FWIW, my mother is also in a nursing home because of end-stage vascular dementia. Hospice was brought in just about four weeks ago. I get it. It sucks big hairy goat gonads and anyone who hasn't lived it really can't understand what it is like. Kind of like being a parent. You can watch videos, talk to people, babysit for months at a time, even, but there is nothing that can really prepare you for what it will be like when you have your own child at home (natural, adopted, or what have you). Absolutely nothing can prepare you for what it will be like to be a full-time caregiver to another adult. Transferring a 35# toddler out of the tub has nothing on trying to transfer a 150# 5'2" adult off the toilet when they are fearful of falling all the time.
MoeMoe (my other-mother) kept Mom at home as long as possible, but she is still working and must continue to do so to support herself. They had a caregiver in the home full-time or family assistance for MoeMoe, until it got to the point that Mom didn't couldn't find her way back into a room she just left, didn't recognize the toilet or how to perform any hygiene, couldn't feed herself, and started wandering more than environmental modifications could mitigate risks. Add to the fact MoeMoe's own mother has advanced dementia and has full-time care at an assisted living facility where she and her sister (each lives 15-20 minutes on either side of their mom) also help provide care as much as possible. My sister lives about 20 minutes away but works full time as a pharmacy manager while her husband cares for the home and their two almost-teen boys. I live over four hours away, work full time, and have three teenagers and a husband (who also works full time) diagnosed with an autoimmune disease that has nearly decimated his lung function. Each of us would love to be able to find a way to keep mom at home, but the reality is, we can't, for a myriad of reasons, COVID risks among them. Who would have taken care of Mom if MoeMoe got COVID? The caregivers are not spring chickens and have families of their own. My sister, being the sole income-earner in her house, in combination with the shortage of pharmacy staff, could not have taken off the time to be the support needed during an illness. I could not come help as I have asthma and cannot risk my husband's health, nor my youngest son's (who also has asthma). Many nursing homes have waitlists, especially the better facilities. And finding one that would knowingly take in a close-contact exposure in the days before vaccines were available? Yeah, right.
People like to say things like, "Why don't you take care of them at home," "How can you do that to someone you love," or "Get them out of that horrific place," and on and on. As if we WANTED to place her somewhere we couldn't see or touch her all the time, love on and hug her, hear her voice and singing (even if nothing she says makes sense anymore or are often even actual words); as if we didn't do everything we could to keep her home as long as possible. As if MOM didn't recognize that a time would come when we could no longer keep her with us the way we wanted to. She was an RN who worked with children with profound mental and physical disabilities; she knew what it meant to be a caregiver to someone who was completely dependent upon others for their needs.
Sorry, I'm tired and this feels rambling and disjointed...
All this is to say: Yes, it is sad. But more sad would be keeping her at home for longer than was safe, for her or anyone else. I have seen my share of contractures, severe bedsores, dehydration, malnutrition, and the list goes on, experienced by people who's families thought it best to keep them at home. Families who had the absolute best of intentions but had no idea what a huge responsibility it is to care for an adult completely dependent upon someone else for absolutely everything; how much mental and physical energy it takes to keep plugging away at it, day after day; and how, despite any training and best intentions, things can and will eventually go wrong. There is a reason even special facilities like nursing homes have specialized units for Dementia and Alzheimer's patients. it truly is vastly different from taking care of someone who simply has physical limitations or illness. /rant off
My heart goes out to you and your family
@Virtual Toad. I hope that you and your family able to spend more time with your MIL soon. *tight hug*