borrowed from stupidness.net
HOW TO BECOME AN EVIL GENIUS
Are you, like many people, sick of your drab work-a-day life and looking for the spice that your life is missing? Or perhaps you just want to get revenge, in your own pathetic way, on Johnny football hero who used to treat you badly in High school. If you are saying, yeah that's me then the evil genius plan is definitely for you. With the evil genius plan you, quite possibly, could gain the infamy that would make your neighbours move out and children sleep on your lawn on a dare. Or you could just lose all your friends; but who needs friends when you've got Vaseline and ography. In any case, if you aspire to be like Skeletor, Cobra Commander or perhaps even the all-powerful Serpentor or perhaps just want to rid the world of c hocolate, blow up the sun or make all the puppy dogs pay, then read on because knowing is half the battle.
your heroes
--------------------
The Manifesto: the first and perhaps most important step to becoming an evil genius is writing a manifesto. A manifesto is much like a game plan and states the goals that you wish to achieve using your brilliant mind and limitless potential for evil as well as how you will go about achieving these goals. These goals could include the ever-popular world domination (although a more evil alternative would be world destruction), ridding the world of sugar or sending all the children of the world to Taiwan where they would work in slave camps making clothing for the gap and would then be paid with the clothing they made and would, therefore, be unable buy food forcing them to become badly dressed cannibals. Once you have decided upon your goals you must then decide how you wish to achieve these goals. For instance, in the case of world domination/destruction one could always hijack a nuclear weapon. However, if you wished to be a little more original you could also build a giant magnifying glass, which you would use or threaten to use to melt the polar ice cap and drown the world. If you draw a blank on how to achieve your goal there is always the mysterious doomsday device, which never fails to strike fear into the hearts of do-gooders the world over.
sample manifesto
--------------------
The Transformation: After you have finished writing your manifesto it is now time to begin your transformation so that you eventually become physically and socially congruent with the title "evil genius". This transformation includes changing things like:
A)- Speech patterns: for instance when someone asks you a generic question like "how's it going?" Instead of replying with the generic "good", you would say something like "things are proceeding according to plan" or "everything is falling into place". Moreover, no matter what reply you give, you must always follow every sentence with a fit of maniacal laughter, which could be high pitched or consist of repeated "mwa ha has" or "bwa ha has" or a combination of the such syllables. You may also want to develop an evil European accent to compliment your new phrases: the Russian accent is always a good choice, although the French are especially abhorred right now and, therefore, may prove a better choice.
B)- Posture: whether a change of posture is necessary or not is dependant on what type of evil genius you wish to be. For instance, if you want to be a high powered corporate evil genius you may be able to keep your current posture or even improve upon it to give you the swagger that can only come from possessing astronomical wealth. However, if you, like most of us lack the corporation necessary to this type of evil genius and, therefore, you may want to consider another alternative. The hunchback evil genius never goes out of style and if you are a teen you're already be halfway there. By merely slouching a little more than you already do you will be walking with a nice healthy slouch in no time.
C)- Other: in order to increase your evil factor you may want to think of getting a hideous scar or becoming involved in an accident involving highly corrosive acid. This will not only give you a more evil appearance; but will, perhaps, also give you a motivation for visiting your evil upon the world. As for clothing that is up to the evil genius himself although a black trench coat and Metallica tee-shirt does not really attain the level of evil that we aspire to in this manual.
--------------------
The Lair: once you have made your transformation and fit the title of evil genius you must now alter your surroundings to make them fit your evil conspiracy as well. The underground lair is an ever-popular choice and fits both the evil genius' desire for secrecy as well as their need for exodus from the world at large. The truly evil genius, however, builds a lair that is extravagant as it is useless. For instance, the evil genius will often fill his lair with a menagerie of evil animals, which, while they are impractical, provide the evil mystique that every genius strives for. A giant fish tank full of sharks, eels and piranhas adds palpable evil to your lair provided they don't eat eachother (although this may prove how truly evil they are) or a cage housing the most evil animal of all: the sloth.
You may also want to locate your lair at the top of a high mountain or perhaps have it air-born or submerged. This, of course, will give you the false sense of invincibility integral to every genius' persona. However, if you don't have the funding to have your lair in such exotic locales, then anywhere that is "abandoned" will serve the purpose. Don't rule out your basement either: with a little dim lighting, cheap fabric and perhaps some mood music your basement could become the evil grotto that your black heart desires. The only requirement for your lair is that it should be located in a city that doesn't exist, like Gotham, which could require massive brain washing; but you can cross that bridge when you come to it.
a perfect lair
--------------------
Minions: every genius needs a subordinate to do the dirty work that the genius deems unworthy of his personal attention. This may include such things as procuring funds for evil ventures or being defeated by your arch-nemesis before the final showdown occurs. If funding is abundant such subordinates could be hired. If you, like many evil geniuses, do not have the funding to hire minions you can find them at such places as the local playground. The playground may seem an odd place to find minions but small children can easily be swayed into doing your bidding with promises of cheap candy and the like. It is true that the flesh of children is weak; but if you get enough of them the effects are quite astounding. Moreover, their small size makes them easy to feed and store. When commanding them to do your bidding you may find that using games is the best course of action: for instance "Simon says kill the police officer" or "follow the leader into the bank to take the money". Their cuteness may cause you to retch at times; but it will also make them harder for the adults you are up against to kill them.
easy prey
Another financially feasible minion you could use to perpetrate your evil are trained animals: for instance you may want to train a heard of raccoons to knock over the garbage cans in your city, therefore diverting needed funding away from law enforcement and into garbage disposal, allowing your evil plans to come to fruition.
racoons can make good minions
Or perhaps you could take your inspiration from the Wu Tang clan or noted comic book hero "the Red Bee" and use swarm of trained bees to do your bidding.
--------------------
The Arch-Nemesis: you are not really an evil genius until you have your own arch-nemesis: someone who you hate with such a passion that you devote all your efforts to defeating this foe. Just as Joker had his Batman, Mum-Ra had his Liono and the Peculiar Purple Pie Man of Poke-a-dot Peak had his Strawberry Shortcake you, too, must find an enemy that fills you with an all-consuming hatred. It is necessary that you choose someone that you could really hate: for instance the man that dropped you in a vat of acid leaving you horribly disfigured for the rest of your life.
know thy enemies
However, if you cannot find someone who has wronged you in such a dramatic way you could choose Johnny Football-Hero who dunked your head in the toilet in Grade 9 or perhaps your father, with whom you have unresolved issues. But, we cannot discuss this issue further without coming to our next topic:
--------------------
The Down Side: unfortunately there are drawbacks to being an evil genius, the main one being that your evil schemes must inevitably be thwarted by your arch-nemesis. If you were not thwarted you would upset the delicate balance between the good and evil of the world, which, if movies have taught us anything, would inevitably create a rift in the space time continuum thus destroying all of existence. Furthermore, your arch-nemesis will probably not be aware that they are the one that must thwart your plan or, as in the case of Johnny Football-Hero, too stupid to do anything about it if they did know.
the scoob
Therefore, you must figure out a way to deconstruct your own machinations giving the credit to your arch-nemesis. This is perhaps the most difficult part of your job as evil genius and even with your superior intellect you may find it difficult to find a way for one so inept as Johnny to defeat you. If you cannot devise a plan on your own, watching Scooby-Doo is a good source of solutions for this problem.
--------------------
You are now equipped with the knowledge that you need to become an evil genius; but remember knowing is only half the battle and only you can prevent forest fires or make yourself an evil genius. In any case, we will undoubtedly hear of you in the future and your name will live on in infamy. Good luck my evil comrades.
HOW TO BECOME AN EVIL GENIUS
Are you, like many people, sick of your drab work-a-day life and looking for the spice that your life is missing? Or perhaps you just want to get revenge, in your own pathetic way, on Johnny football hero who used to treat you badly in High school. If you are saying, yeah that's me then the evil genius plan is definitely for you. With the evil genius plan you, quite possibly, could gain the infamy that would make your neighbours move out and children sleep on your lawn on a dare. Or you could just lose all your friends; but who needs friends when you've got Vaseline and ography. In any case, if you aspire to be like Skeletor, Cobra Commander or perhaps even the all-powerful Serpentor or perhaps just want to rid the world of c hocolate, blow up the sun or make all the puppy dogs pay, then read on because knowing is half the battle.
your heroes
--------------------
The Manifesto: the first and perhaps most important step to becoming an evil genius is writing a manifesto. A manifesto is much like a game plan and states the goals that you wish to achieve using your brilliant mind and limitless potential for evil as well as how you will go about achieving these goals. These goals could include the ever-popular world domination (although a more evil alternative would be world destruction), ridding the world of sugar or sending all the children of the world to Taiwan where they would work in slave camps making clothing for the gap and would then be paid with the clothing they made and would, therefore, be unable buy food forcing them to become badly dressed cannibals. Once you have decided upon your goals you must then decide how you wish to achieve these goals. For instance, in the case of world domination/destruction one could always hijack a nuclear weapon. However, if you wished to be a little more original you could also build a giant magnifying glass, which you would use or threaten to use to melt the polar ice cap and drown the world. If you draw a blank on how to achieve your goal there is always the mysterious doomsday device, which never fails to strike fear into the hearts of do-gooders the world over.
sample manifesto
--------------------
The Transformation: After you have finished writing your manifesto it is now time to begin your transformation so that you eventually become physically and socially congruent with the title "evil genius". This transformation includes changing things like:
A)- Speech patterns: for instance when someone asks you a generic question like "how's it going?" Instead of replying with the generic "good", you would say something like "things are proceeding according to plan" or "everything is falling into place". Moreover, no matter what reply you give, you must always follow every sentence with a fit of maniacal laughter, which could be high pitched or consist of repeated "mwa ha has" or "bwa ha has" or a combination of the such syllables. You may also want to develop an evil European accent to compliment your new phrases: the Russian accent is always a good choice, although the French are especially abhorred right now and, therefore, may prove a better choice.
B)- Posture: whether a change of posture is necessary or not is dependant on what type of evil genius you wish to be. For instance, if you want to be a high powered corporate evil genius you may be able to keep your current posture or even improve upon it to give you the swagger that can only come from possessing astronomical wealth. However, if you, like most of us lack the corporation necessary to this type of evil genius and, therefore, you may want to consider another alternative. The hunchback evil genius never goes out of style and if you are a teen you're already be halfway there. By merely slouching a little more than you already do you will be walking with a nice healthy slouch in no time.
C)- Other: in order to increase your evil factor you may want to think of getting a hideous scar or becoming involved in an accident involving highly corrosive acid. This will not only give you a more evil appearance; but will, perhaps, also give you a motivation for visiting your evil upon the world. As for clothing that is up to the evil genius himself although a black trench coat and Metallica tee-shirt does not really attain the level of evil that we aspire to in this manual.
--------------------
The Lair: once you have made your transformation and fit the title of evil genius you must now alter your surroundings to make them fit your evil conspiracy as well. The underground lair is an ever-popular choice and fits both the evil genius' desire for secrecy as well as their need for exodus from the world at large. The truly evil genius, however, builds a lair that is extravagant as it is useless. For instance, the evil genius will often fill his lair with a menagerie of evil animals, which, while they are impractical, provide the evil mystique that every genius strives for. A giant fish tank full of sharks, eels and piranhas adds palpable evil to your lair provided they don't eat eachother (although this may prove how truly evil they are) or a cage housing the most evil animal of all: the sloth.
You may also want to locate your lair at the top of a high mountain or perhaps have it air-born or submerged. This, of course, will give you the false sense of invincibility integral to every genius' persona. However, if you don't have the funding to have your lair in such exotic locales, then anywhere that is "abandoned" will serve the purpose. Don't rule out your basement either: with a little dim lighting, cheap fabric and perhaps some mood music your basement could become the evil grotto that your black heart desires. The only requirement for your lair is that it should be located in a city that doesn't exist, like Gotham, which could require massive brain washing; but you can cross that bridge when you come to it.
a perfect lair
--------------------
Minions: every genius needs a subordinate to do the dirty work that the genius deems unworthy of his personal attention. This may include such things as procuring funds for evil ventures or being defeated by your arch-nemesis before the final showdown occurs. If funding is abundant such subordinates could be hired. If you, like many evil geniuses, do not have the funding to hire minions you can find them at such places as the local playground. The playground may seem an odd place to find minions but small children can easily be swayed into doing your bidding with promises of cheap candy and the like. It is true that the flesh of children is weak; but if you get enough of them the effects are quite astounding. Moreover, their small size makes them easy to feed and store. When commanding them to do your bidding you may find that using games is the best course of action: for instance "Simon says kill the police officer" or "follow the leader into the bank to take the money". Their cuteness may cause you to retch at times; but it will also make them harder for the adults you are up against to kill them.
easy prey
Another financially feasible minion you could use to perpetrate your evil are trained animals: for instance you may want to train a heard of raccoons to knock over the garbage cans in your city, therefore diverting needed funding away from law enforcement and into garbage disposal, allowing your evil plans to come to fruition.
racoons can make good minions
Or perhaps you could take your inspiration from the Wu Tang clan or noted comic book hero "the Red Bee" and use swarm of trained bees to do your bidding.
--------------------
The Arch-Nemesis: you are not really an evil genius until you have your own arch-nemesis: someone who you hate with such a passion that you devote all your efforts to defeating this foe. Just as Joker had his Batman, Mum-Ra had his Liono and the Peculiar Purple Pie Man of Poke-a-dot Peak had his Strawberry Shortcake you, too, must find an enemy that fills you with an all-consuming hatred. It is necessary that you choose someone that you could really hate: for instance the man that dropped you in a vat of acid leaving you horribly disfigured for the rest of your life.
know thy enemies
However, if you cannot find someone who has wronged you in such a dramatic way you could choose Johnny Football-Hero who dunked your head in the toilet in Grade 9 or perhaps your father, with whom you have unresolved issues. But, we cannot discuss this issue further without coming to our next topic:
--------------------
The Down Side: unfortunately there are drawbacks to being an evil genius, the main one being that your evil schemes must inevitably be thwarted by your arch-nemesis. If you were not thwarted you would upset the delicate balance between the good and evil of the world, which, if movies have taught us anything, would inevitably create a rift in the space time continuum thus destroying all of existence. Furthermore, your arch-nemesis will probably not be aware that they are the one that must thwart your plan or, as in the case of Johnny Football-Hero, too stupid to do anything about it if they did know.
the scoob
Therefore, you must figure out a way to deconstruct your own machinations giving the credit to your arch-nemesis. This is perhaps the most difficult part of your job as evil genius and even with your superior intellect you may find it difficult to find a way for one so inept as Johnny to defeat you. If you cannot devise a plan on your own, watching Scooby-Doo is a good source of solutions for this problem.
--------------------
You are now equipped with the knowledge that you need to become an evil genius; but remember knowing is only half the battle and only you can prevent forest fires or make yourself an evil genius. In any case, we will undoubtedly hear of you in the future and your name will live on in infamy. Good luck my evil comrades.
