WaltWiz's Dream Disney Resort - Frontierland

[WaltWiz1901]

With one land down, let's see what our next land is!

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Returning to our tour of the park at large, we’re born ready to step into the worlds that Disneyland has to offer. Appropriately oriented southwest from the Hub is the main entrance to...

Frontierland​

An homage to the tall tales and truths of our legendary past, Frontierland is where we can set sail on a trek through the Wild West, hitch a ride on a runaway train of ore carts, be entertained by some very musical bears, and travel up the river in either a riverboat or a canoe.

Fort Comstock at Disneyland Paris​

The land’s entrance is marked by a Civil War-era stockade turret, going by the name of Fort Hancock. The American flag billows from atop the log-built turret, while poised-and-ready rifles peer over the walls of the fort, ready for battle.

Making our way through Fort Hancock and keeping slightly to our left, we proceed into a boomtown in the Old West...

Thunder Ridge​

“Welcome to Thunder Ridge!
The Biggest Boom Town in the West!
Population: 1,110 - 888 - 303 - 119 - 24?
Elevation: Not Sure”​

In all the myths and legends passed down the old Chisholm Trail, Thunder Ridge was once the cutest little boomtown this side of the Mississippi. This was of course on account of the gold vein running through the mountain that gave this little town its name: Thunder Mesa. The biggest and most fanciful mountain range in the entire West - second to Bryce Canyon, Utah - Thunder Mesa brought the little boom-town from a little-known pioneer encampment to a bustling mining town overnight, bringing with it the advent of the railroad and riverboat, not to mention hundreds of would-be tycoons in the form of curious cowpoke and friendly foreigners. The once quiet town had more river and rail traffic than it could ever have hoped to handle.

Alas, there was something about the mountain that the settlers didn’t know...

You see, long before the pioneers came, Thunder Mesa was a sacred spot to the Native Americans, and it carried a powerful curse – a curse that offered a powerful vendetta against the greedy and the selfish. Before long, the settlers’ desecration of the mountain caused the curse to be fulfilled; and the town was caught in the midst of a great earthquake. Though most townsfolk perished in the quake, some did survive, others fleeing for parts unknown. The mining operation went bust, and before long, Thunder Ridge was a ghost town, deemed “cursed” by miners across the frontier, an ominous reminder of the strange happenings and devastating quake of that fateful day.

Thunder Ridge has canonical ties to Thunder Mesa, the main setting of Disneyland Paris’s Frontierland. The area even looks a lot like it, too​

Today, owing to its curse, Thunder Ridge is neither a widely populated nor perfectly well-kept town, though many a traveler is known to pass it on their way westward. One such traveler is the proprietor of Doc Cogwheel’s Magic Elixir, a mobile stand offering “miracle medicines” (or refreshing drinks) like Jackalope Juice, Rattlesnake Oil, and Strong-Man Potion. Often placed next to the Magic Elixir wagon is one of Frontierland’s two popcorn wagons, serving up any of three flavors unique to the land: buffalo, barbecue, and cheddar bacon.

Apart from Dr. Cogwheel, who might often be found in front of his wagon, guests can also run across the other residents of Thunder Ridge, cowpoke and bandits traveling down here from their home of Dry Gulch, and even a few of their favorite characters: Mickey and the gang (most prominently Pecos Goofy); Woody, Jessie, and Bullseye from the Toy Story films; and Miguel Rivera from Coco.

The town of Thunder Ridge is filled with plenty of artisan shops to wet one’s whistle, such as...

• Thunder Ridge Mercantile houses both a general store and a candle shop
• a leather shop/outfitters
• a blacksmith
• a woodworker

The starting point for a transition from Frontierland to (appropriately enough) Adventureland’s Costa Perdida, the counter service hacienda of Fuente del Oro offers a variety of delicioso Southwestern and Mexican dishes like build-your-own burritos, tacos, and nachos, taco salad bowls, enchiladas, and fajitas.

The town’s most popular dining establishment is The Diamond Horseshoe, where hungry travelers can treat themselves to a hearty table service meal and a stage show often delivered by the Diamond Horseshoe Revue, with an old Wurlitzer piano often providing additional musical ambience.

If folks don’t have enough time to reserve a seat, they still have one last chance to catch a good bite at – where else? Why, the Last Chance Saloon, ‘course!

Departing from Thunder Ridge Riverboat Landing, the Mark Twain and the Lilly Belle chug their way around the Rivers of America, encircling Iron Mountain and allowing guests to catch unique riverside views of both Thunder Ridge and Grizzly Flats.

Once used for the town’s mining operations, the Thunder Ridge Mine Train is now used to give folks a tour of the wonders awaiting in our national backyard. This experience, a revival of a long-lost Disneyland attraction, takes guests around Cascade Peak, past Beaver Valley and Bear Country, and through the Living Desert, culminating in a colorful finale in the beautiful (and hypnotic) Rainbow Caverns.

Another way to explore the vast wilderness beyond Thunder Ridge is by hiking on foot, via the Western River Discovery Trail, which also winds through some environments not easily traversable by rail and even over the red rock arch the train chugs under.

Concept art for the Magic Kingdom’s Thunder Mesa complex​

Of course, most guests will be drawn towards the town’s (and to an extent, Frontierland’s) main “wienie”: Thunder Mesa. The rockwork of this mighty mountain forms the shape of the Thunderbird, a legendary figure of indigenous folklore. At night, the hollow “eyes” of the great bird glow an unearthly green, further proof of the curse that permeates the general area...

More to the point, Thunder Mesa is home to one of Frontierland’s (and I’d say one of the whole park’s) anchor attractions: Western River Expedition.

Perhaps the most sought-after attraction left for many years on the scrapheap, this true E-ticket sends guests sailing through the Old West at dusk on wooden boats big enough for (slightly more than) two dozen. Hoot Gibson, a wise old owl, is our host, narrating our voyage to the neighboring town of Dry Gulch, where cowboys and cowgirls carouse the night away. A thunderstorm, conducted by the legendary Thunderbird, starts a-brewin’ as our boat climbs up a waterfall and gets tossed and turned backwards as it gets caught in the blazing crossfires. To make matters worse, a gang of bandits has been on the prowl, and it looks like we’ll have to surrender our fortunes to them – or does it...?

The Big Buffalo Steakhouse, Thunder Ridge’s local barbecue joint, offers a glimpse of the Expedition from an “outdoor” patio, while the Western River Trading Post at the ride’s exit sells all sorts of wares fresh from Dry Gulch. Budding cowpoke can test their best shot at the Thunder Ridge Shootin’ Exposition in a shack next to the Trading Post, taking aim at any of 70 animated targets and setting off an array of clever special effects.

Looking back towards the Rivers of America, our attention is now drawn towards another landmark, the towering peak of Iron Mountain. Our interest is further piqued by the “iron horses” racing around the mountain’s buttes and into its mine tunnels, but to reach it ourselves, we must go back through Thunder Ridge and into the woods, to Frontierland’s other sub-area...

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This section of Frontierland owes the following to these fellow armchair Imagineers:

• @DisneyManOne for the town's name and backstory, for his Mirror Walt Disney World
• The Mine Train and the Discovery Trail's inclusion here were inspired by Brian Krosnick's take on Frontierland for his Magic Kingdom buildout
• Another source of inspiration was S.W. Wilson's version of Frontierland for his "Mega Kingdom"

Next up, we take a hike through the woods - the woods of Grizzly Flats, to be exact.

 

[WaltWiz1901]

Trailing counterclockwise from Thunder Ridge along the Rivers of America, we carry on to Frontierland’s other “neighborhood”...

Grizzly Flats​

Recalling the atmosphere of Grizzly Peak at Disney California Adventure and the former Bear/Critter Country at neighboring Disneyland, this woodsy environment brings to mind places like Yellowstone National Park in Wyoming – complete with geysers and springs providing visual interest along both its pathways and a bend of the Rivers of America – and, to a lesser degree, the Pacific Northwest. It’s historically the settling place of engineer-explorer duo Dr. Maxwell Letterhorn and Ezekiel Moreland, who journeyed here after the Civil War to help with construction of the First Transcontinental Railroad.

Right off the bat, our attention remains focused on what lies across the river from the woods – the neighborhood’s “wienie” and this park’s answer to Big Thunder Mountain, Iron Mountain.

Concept art by @MonorailRed​

Dr. Letterhorn has invented the Iron Horse, a literal mechanical workhorse designed to haul miners and adventurers through the mountain range on the other side of the river in search of the riches they hide. Legend has it that Iron Mountain is filled with a limitless supply of metallic minerals left untouched for centuries. Legend also has it that the mountain is situated on the site of an active volcano, and continuing to mine it may have dire consequences for the future of Grizzly Flats! Can you and your noble (iron) steed make it over, under, and through this challenging mountain in one piece?

After the ride, guests can buy a photo of their trek, other contraptions made by Dr. Letterhorn, and other Iron Mountain memorabilia at Letterhorn Mining Supplies, a small shack near his workshop.

Iron Mountain isn’t Grizzly Flats’ only draw, though, for the local wildlife has set up another in the appropriately named Grizzly Hall: the Country Bear Musical Jamboree, a hootin’, hollerin’ musical revue of country favorites. Adjacent to Grizzly Hall, Big Al’s Redwood Rally sends guests putting past or through the natural wonders of the forest in the band’s antique automobiles in search of Big Al’s missing guitar, while the Hungry Bear Restaurant offers enough tasty treats to satisfy even the biggest and grizzliest of appetites.

As far as character encounters in Grizzly Flats go, the Country Bears can often be seen roaming around and greeting guests in-between their performances, as well as three other bears: Kenai and Koda from Brother Bear, and – making his Disney Parks debut – Humphrey the Bear, often accompanied by Ranger Woodlore.

The Wilderness Lodge, initially built by Moreland for adventurers and settlers making their way through Grizzly Flats, is now a place for Native American tribes to pass down their legends and traditions. Nearby, Natural Wonders sells things like candles, outdoor gear, stationery, and merchandise featuring the Country Bears and Disney’s other woodland characters.

Guests rowing the Grizzly Flats Explorer Canoes down the Rivers of America can get both a good workout and good views of the wonders of the wild frontier, such as Thunder Mesa, Iron Mountain, and the hot springs at the edge of the river.

The Frontierland stop on the (Blue Sky) Disneyland Railroad is located in this neighborhood: Grizzly Flats Depot. Bearing (no pun intended) a resemblance to the depot building that was on animator Ward Kimball’s own personal railroad, this structure was originally built for the aforementioned extension of the Transcontinental Railroad.

Now, with all of Frontierland covered, our instincts naturally tell us to follow the straight-ahead transition that Fuente del Oro marked the beginning of, though it’ll be a while to touch on where it leads to...

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Frontierland​

Attractions & Entertainment
Thunder Ridge

• Western River Expedition
• Thunder Ridge Mine Train
• Thunder Ridge Riverboat Landing
• Western River Discovery Trail
• Thunder Ridge Shootin’ Exposition

Grizzly Flats

• Iron Mountain DPA
• Country Bear Musical Jamboree
• Big Al’s Redwood Rally
• Grizzly Flats Explorer Canoes
• Wilderness Lodge
• (Blue Sky) Disneyland Railroad – Grizzly Flats Depot

Dining
Thunder Ridge

• The Diamond Horseshoe (table service)
• Big Buffalo Steakhouse (table service)
• Last Chance Saloon (counter service)
• Fuente del Oro (counter service)
• Doc Cogwheel’s Magic Elixir (stand)

Grizzly Flats

• Hungry Bear Restaurant (counter service)

Shopping
Thunder Ridge

• Western River Trading Post
• Thunder Ridge Mercantile
• Artisan Shops – Woodcarver’s Workshop

Grizzly Flats

• Letterhorn Mining Supplies
• Natural Wonders

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Giving credit where due to these fellow Imagineers:

• Iron Mountain was part of Team Marvel's Nature's Wonderland, their entry for Scene 3 of The Great Movie Ride
• Big Al's Redwood Rally was originally devised by Brian Krosnick for Grizzly Valley, part of his Magic Kingdom buildout
• The Wilderness Lodge was or will be co-developed by @cdunlap

Next part of the writeup's an exciting one - our first in-depth main attraction ridethrough!

 

[WaltWiz1901]

Been reading up on Marc Davis In His Own Words lately...lovely read, and an appropriate one too, considering what this ridethrough is of!

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Western River Expedition​

E-ticket boat ride
Journey back in time “Down the Western River” to when cowboys won the Wild West.​

As the story goes, when WED Enterprises (as it was called then) was busy developing Walt Disney World’s Magic Kingdom, Marc Davis, fresh off the heels of delivering Disneyland’s Pirates of the Caribbean, set to work on an even more ambitious attraction scheduled to open as part of the park’s second phase in the mid-1970s. A massive showbuilding complex – located where Big Thunder and Splash Mountains would ultimately sit and with scenic elements akin to Nature’s Wonderland at Disneyland – would’ve played host to a whitewater canoe ride, a runaway train ride, walking trails with pueblo dwellings along the way, and – most ambitious of all – Western River Expedition, a major musical boat ride. The latter was originally supposed to act as the East Coast equivalent to Pirates, as Imagineers believed that since pirates were quite local on the Gulf Coast, parkgoers wouldn’t deem them as exciting as cowboys and bandits.

When Walt Disney World opened, guests to the Magic Kingdom, underwhelmed by the Pirates’ absence, were left wondering “Where are the pirates?”, sending WED rushing to install an abridged version in the park and leaving the Western River ride in limbo. Junior Imagineer Tony Baxter (successfully) attempted to salvage part of the complex by suggesting that the runaway train ride (now known as Big Thunder Mountain Railroad) be built first with the hopes of opening Western River later, while Davis reworked parts of his attraction to address the concerns WED management was having with the ride (the expense of building so many animatronics and the unflattering portrayal of Native Americans being two such concerns) and get them to build it. Ultimately, it was all for naught, as the 1973 energy crisis had drained out the enthusiasm management would’ve otherwise felt for anything short of a thrill ride and Davis, frustrated with the executives higher-up not giving any of his projects the greenlight, retired from WED at the end of March 1978, leaving the project without its main advocator despite later pitches to bring it to Disneyland (as part of a “Land of Legends”) and Disneyland Paris (as part of their additional capacity program).

As a tribute to the late, great Imagineer, (Blue Sky) Disneyland brings Davis’s long-lost masterpiece to life at long last, as one of the two headliner attractions of its Frontierland. While not without some necessary tweaks, this version of Western River Expedition strives to do the renowned Disney Legend and his most famed unbuilt project justice, and hopefully become a modern classic on par with his other masterpieces like Pirates of the Caribbean and the Haunted Mansion.

Elevation for the Magic Kingdom’s Thunder Mesa by Mit Natsume​

Making our way through Thunder Ridge, the mighty mountain range of Thunder Mesa stands tall and proud over the town, making for an awesome backdrop in a similar manner to the Cadillac Range (the exterior to Radiator Springs Racers) over Cars Land at California Adventure. Engraved in the rock of this monumental marvel, standing at around 100-110 feet tall, is the likeness of the Thunderbird, a powerful spirit and a famed figure in indigenous culture. The bird’s “eyes” cast an eerie, unnaturally green glow at night – could this have been a side effect of the curse of Thunder Mesa...?

Queue​

We enter Thunder Mesa through an old, seemingly abandoned sawmill built into the base of the mountain. Stepping inside the sawmill, bits of abandoned machinery lie all about the place, covered in dust and cobwebs – an indicator that the old mill has been forgotten for years. The offices of old mill officials appear, barred-off and locked, although the barred windows do allow a glimpse inside. The office of one “Arthur T. Logger” is still lit, and the old fellow is still there...even if he’s a long-dead skeleton. The poor fellow appears slumped over on his desk, a feather pen at hand. One with a keen eye may catch the fact that he’s writing a letter to his wife; a nearby letter from her explains how angry she is at him for not cleaning the dishes before work. Perhaps her constant nagging did him in?

Flickering gas lamps, á la Indiana Jones Adventure, illuminate the dark corridors, providing an ominous setup to what will be a rip-roaring good time. In the Employees’ Lounge, several of the skeletal workers still stick around, motionless but grinning. One skeleton appears dead over a card table, cards still spread out across the table, a rather suspicious assortment of cards before him. A broken bottle of moonshine sits on the floor behind him, an obvious reference to his murder. As it turns out, he had been quite the cheater in life, and whoever he was playing cards with didn’t take too kindly to that. Another skeleton sits at a dusty, broken-down piano, leaning backwards – his arms have detached and become stuck to the keys. A couple of red-eyed rats explore the eye-sockets of one skeleton, while the very last skeleton finds himself sharpening a large knife, perpetually stuck staring at guests...more so of an atmospheric thing than a Marc Davis-style gag.

A flight of stairs leads us, well, upstairs and through a corridor lined with black-and-white photographs, providing a solid overview of what Thunder Ridge was like before that dreadful earthquake. The occasional screeching of a rat or crackling of a floorboard comes from overhead, perhaps hinting at more than rats inhabiting this old mill. Rather unsettled, we continue down the path, eventually finding a bright light at the end of the corridor...

..which turns out to be the daylight of the setting sun, perpetually always casting down upon the orange hoodoos and lush waterfalls of a desert canyon. We have made it to the sawmill’s cargo dock, where the millers would pick up or ship important goods off to other towns and industries further up the river. The canyon’s waterfalls cascade into the waterways we’ll be cruising down.
Alternately, in a similar manner to how the queue for the Magic Kingdom’s Pirates of the Caribbean was designed, the attraction’s façade offers a different entrance and queue to account for wheelchair accessibility (or for guests too spooked by the skeletal vignettes inside to venture through the sawmill): an ore elevator, sending them down a series of mine tunnels through the shadowy bowels of Thunder Mesa – past rusted ore cars, arsenals, excavation equipment, and the long-forgotten tracks of a former mining operation – before converging at the hall of photos (this is not a Priority Access queue).

RIDE STATS
Ride type: Boat dark ride
Capacity per boat: 25 (1 row of 2, 1 row of 3, and 5 rows of 4)
Hourly capacity: 3,000
Duration: 10:30
Height restriction: None​

Our mode of transport is a well-worn wooden rowboat, sized just right for carrying bigger loads to their destinations. Much like it was originally devised as for the Magic Kingdom, Western River Expedition acts as (Blue Sky) Disneyland’s equivalent to the standard Pirates of the Caribbean: a long, high-capacity boat ride realized at an impressive scale and with a lot of advanced Audio-Animatronics and special effects.
As we’ll see further on, Pirates itself will also be in this park, albeit in a different form than usual owing to this.

Each boat seats up to 25 guests across seven rows; five towards the back seating four, the second seating three, and the first seating two. Handles are stuck to the back of most of the rows and to the sides of the first row, providing something for travelers to hang onto just in case the waters get a little rough.

As we board our rowboats, the voice of our narrator is heard giving out the all-important safety spiel.

“Hooo! Hooo! Howdy, everybody! Heading for a cruise ‘round the riverbend, are we? Well then, for your safety, please stay seated and keep your hands, arms, feet, and legs inside the rowboat, and please watch your young’uns. Oh, and be sure to stow your personal belongin’s away. There are bandits ‘round these parts. Enjoy the frontier now, y’hear?”​

And with that, we set off on our expedition. For efficiency, two boats board at once, while one boat at a time normally dispatches every 30 seconds.

The Wonders of the West​

Our rowboat pulls out of the cargo dock and sails through a picturesque landscape under the perfect soft, summer sunset, bathed in warmth and scored by the music of nature itself. The air is cool and the sunset is brilliant, with hues of pink, orange, red, and blue. A few fluffy clouds, á la Toy Story, float across the romantic sky. Coyotes can be heard howling in the distance, along with the soothing sound of early evening crickets and the occasional rattlesnake (one of which, to our left, is coiled around a cactus). Soon, as we drift further away from the sawmill, the beautiful sunset sky gradually gives way to an equally beautiful periwinkle blue night sky.

Perched on an overhead tree, currently asleep, is Hoot Gibson, our friendly narrator and an old-timey owl with a hankering for adventure. As we round a bend, he stirs awake and peers down to spot us. “Hooo! Hooo! Roamin’ the ol’ frontier, are ya?” he asks. “No better place for a good adventure if you ask me. Some of the best adventures happen right here in the west, and nights like these remind me of the good ol’ days of cowboys and pioneers.”

The Walt Disney Story display where Hoot made his first (and currently only) public appearance​

Hoot starts to reminisce about said “good ol’ days” as we enter the mouth of a cave at the foot of a mountainous canyon, into the...

Rainbow Caverns

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This Technicolor network of caves is truly a wonderland of nature’s own making. Ethereal music (composed by George Bruns for the original incarnation of the Rainbow Caverns, for Disneyland’s Nature’s Wonderland) fills the air as the waters (including the stream our boat floats on) and dyes of the caverns’ stalactites and stalagmites set the environment aglow in a wash of vivid color.
The Rainbow Caverns are a converging point for up to three individual attractions, similar to the only-half-realized Indiana Jones and the Lost Expedition at Disneyland: Western River Expedition, the Thunder Ridge Mine Train, and the (Blue Sky) Disneyland Railroad. Guests on the Western River pass under a curved trestle bridge the Mine Train chugs on on its way back to its boarding station.

Venturing further into the caverns, we start to see the stalactites take the shapes of familiar sights and inhabitants of the Old West; among them a jackrabbit, a coyote, a cowboy, and the Thunderbird.

The ethereal humming of the Rainbow Caverns gradually fades out, and a new tune begins to form, more and more instruments adding to the score with every stalactite we pass...

To be continued...

 

[WaltWiz1901]

Down the Western River​

Emerging out of the cave, we now find ourselves in the midst of the desert plains on a moonlit, starry night. A shooting star flies across the sky in a brilliant flash, suddenly changing the stars into constellations resembling countless western icons. As if by magic, many of the constellations even come to life: the animals making noise, the “Big Dipper” panning for gold, etc.

The score we heard building up in the caverns has by now crystalized into a full-fledged song: “Down the Western River”, the attraction’s theme song in the vein of “Yo Ho” and “Grim Grinning Ghosts”. We pass a lonely cowboy strumming away on his guitar and singing the song to his longhorn cows, who promptly bellow along with him. Even his lanky horse joins in!

Still to our left, more cowpokes and wildlife pick up on the tune and either sing or dance along:

• Four coyotes – two framed by a natural rock arch in the foreground, two in the vast distance – howl along to the cowboy’s song.
• A herd of buffalo curiously investigate the homes of some prairie dogs, who poke in and out of their holes and squeak in time to the music.
• One buffalo calf, meanwhile, has a face-to-face confrontation with a jackrabbit, but both are suddenly drawn away from each other and towards the next source of music in the area...
• A cook, working the chuck wagon at a campfire, stirs a meal to the beat of the music, while the campers provide more backing music on their guitar and harmonica...serenaded by a singing chorus of cacti!

On the right side of the river, the (Blue Sky) Disneyland Railroad rumbles past us on the bluff overhead, offering passengers onboard a different view of this same landscape. Both boat and train also get a view of our next sight...

Uh-oh. There’s a robbery happening on the bridge ahead, and the Masked Banditos have held up a stagecoach in search of whatever loot its passengers have stored inside! A couple of mules look on curiously, as virtually every barnyard animal does in Pirates of the Caribbean.

Each bandito wears a bandana, as do the horses most of them ride on. The Head Bandito wears a top hat and rides a large grizzly bear, who has one glowing eye, an eye patch, jagged teeth (so jagged that they’re ripping through his mask), gallons of slobber, and a tiny bowler hat strapped to his head by miniature strings. The bandits holding up the stagecoach, complete with their own personal mariachi and theme song, seem too busy with their latest crime to stop and rob us too...but the Head Bandito, turning his dual guns to us, menacingly suggests, all in song, that he may meet us again soon.

A Night in Dry Gulch​

Slipping under the bridge, not wanting any more trouble from the bandits, we drift into the town of Dry Gulch, the setting for the attraction’s most expansive show scene.

Marc enlisted Mary Blair as the color stylist for Western River Expedition, and nowhere is this most evident than in Dry Gulch: the tops of the red canyon bluffs are bathed in warm sunlight, while the town below is bathed in rich, cool blue moonlight.

This is all but a sampling of the scenes and gags scattered throughout Dry Gulch!​

The placid strumming of guitars on the open prairie turn into the honky-tonk sounds of saloon pianos. From inside the upstairs window of a saddlery barn, Hoot reappears to tell us more about the place: “Ah, Dry Gulch. That’s where cowpokes and miners went to spend their fortunes. Every night was like a wild hoedown, and greed and depravity ruled the land...”

On either side of us, the town bursts with life as the locals and fellow travelers hoot and holler, drink and dance, sing and shout the night away:

• A drunk-out-of-his-mind cowboy, sitting upon his equally drunk-out-of-his-mind horse, fires his pistols heavenward in glee from atop the porch roof of Big Jack’s Saloon. “Yeehaw! I’ve never felt this good! I’m a flying eagle!” he exclaims. His horse gives off a gleeful, hiccup-ridden neigh, followed by the occasional burp. Underneath him, a trio of showgirls sing another verse of “Down the Western River”...
• ...while at another saloon, the Golden Slipper, a cancan dancer raises her leg as high as she can, boasting a golden slipper, with a fellow cowboy holding his hat out to let her kick it. A nearby horse attempts to bite a carrot on the ground, but the rope tying him to a post prevents him from doing so.
• In a scheme to cheat customers out of their money, Doc Cogwheel sells one of his medicines to a small, young crowd of two: “Yes sir, yes ma’am, I, Dr. Cogwheel, have the answer to all your problems! I present the one and only Strong-Man Potion! It will solve all your problems guaranteed. Want to impress your spouse? Want to pass school? Want to skip out on chores? Drink one drop of this tonic and your life is saved! Don’t be a pig. Be a man!”
• Off to the side of Dr. Cogwheel’s wagon is another little money stint: “Take Your Picture with a Bear.” A photographer takes a picture of a rather goofy-looking cowpoke with his arm around a huge stuffed bear.

Guests dining at the Big Buffalo Steakhouse can see the town from afar on its back porch, in a manner similar to the Blue Bayou restaurant offering views of Pirates of the Caribbean at most other parks.

Rounding a bend in the river, we can see two vultures perched on a tree on Boot Hill, a desolate cemetery of wooden gravemarkers, tumbleweeds, and unfriendly-looking cacti. The vultures eye us forebodingly eagerly...while an eager cowboy on the bridge we float under raises his pistols up high and fires away, much to the unamusement of his disgruntled partner.

On the other side of the left butte, a robbery has been staged at the town’s local bank, and cowpokes and robbers alike are doing battle in a rousing gunfight. Various shady-looking outlaws duck in and out from behind misplaced safes, overturned furniture, and other objects, firing away at both us and the other criminals across the way. Robbers have pulled the entire safe out of the bank and are using it as a shield. The barber hangs out of the Tonsorial Parlor, returning fire. His customer, still with a red-and-white checkered apron round his neck and a glob of shaving cream on his face, stands outside, firing back at the robbers. The Mayor opens the doors of City Hall, angrily shouting “I will have order! As mayor of this city, I…” A gunshot is aimed towards him. He looks at us and simply says, before closing the doors, “You’re on your own.” The sheriff cuddles up to his horse a la Ichabod Crane, unaware of the clearly visible tunnel being dug beneath him, leading out from beneath the jailhouse and into freedom. The sounds of the escaping prisoners can be heard digging away underground. At the end of the street is none other than Mortimer Scuggs, the local mortician, eager at all the chances his business will get once the fire ceases.

Across the way, the Union Soldier-like Cavalry have joined in on the battle, returning fire (many of whom from inside a livery) and attempting to keep what little peace the town has left. Their brave general sits atop his proud horse, raising a cutlass high in the air screaming “FIRE!” Only, instead of his men firing, a criminal fires at his hat, causing it to spin around 360 degrees. The same effect happens to numerous other objects, including misplaced hats, bottles of moonshine, and just about anything else able to be pushed around by bullets. A very pretty cowgirl pokes her head out of a barrel and stealthily fires at a nearby bandit’s rear-end, hitting him and making him holler (like Goofy). The sheriff’s Calamity Jane-style deputy, meanwhile, is taking an absurdly long time to choose her targets. On our way out of Dry Gulch, a leaky water wagon spills its load into the river, no doubt punctured by the bullets being shot from every which way.

Thunderbird Thunderstorm​

A tribe of Plains Indians, setting up camp on the outskirts of town, are seen partaking in a rain dance ceremony. “These natives are summoning the Thunderbird, the only bird capable to calm the greed of men,” explains Hoot, perched atop of one of their tepees. “But be warned: a storm is coming…” he adds cautiously.
Similar to how the recent modification to the Indians vignette on the Magic Kingdom’s Peter Pan’s Flight was handled, research and consultancy with real Native Americans will be done to ensure that the rain dance being performed is authentic and the depiction not too stereotypical.

True to his word, as we proceed down a narrow canyon, torrential rainwater begins to pour from the buttes above, spattering on jagged rocks.

Thunder crashes and lightning flashes as our boat begins chugging up a waterfall, past the concerned glances of many unprotected small animals and the stern glare of a mountain lion. Reaching the top of the waterfall into a dense pine forest, we witness the majestic Thunderbird letting out a mighty screech and, with a flap of her wings, sending a bolt of lightning striking down upon the forest. Our boat is seemingly stunned into stillness for a moment...then, as the waves pick up, is tossed and turned backwards through the woods!
This change in direction is achieved via a track switch underneath the water, not unlike EPCOT’s former Maelstrom, Frozen Ever After, and Tokyo DisneySea’s Anna and Elsa’s Frozen Journey.

In a flash of light, the lightning strikes a tree, causing it to burst into flame. In a matter of seconds, the whole forest is on fire. The tall trees have already begun to topple and the boats pass below several as they creak and groan, flames dancing atop each one.

As if things can’t get any worse, there waiting for us on the outskirts of the flaming forest are the Masked Banditos, primed and ready to rob us of our goods. As they aim their pistols to get us to surrender, the grizzly bear used as a “horse” by the Head Bandito gives a ferocious snarl, and the Head Bandito himself gives us a word of “friendly” farewell: “End of the line, amigos. There is no turning back now. ¡Adios!”

Fortunately, fate does prove to be kind, for before the banditos can charge at us, we shift sideways and (facing forwards again) drop down a convenient waterfall into the inky blackness below, evading them for good.

The Banditos’ Defeat​

The waterfall takes us back into the Rainbow Caverns, where a colorful show of fountains surrounds us from both sides of the flume. Hoot glides in on a little rowboat, dressed as a fisherman, complete with line cast in the water and pole in his wings: “Ain’t nothing like a western adventure, eh? Oh, but don’t be sad. There’ll always be a day for another adventure on the western frontier. And say, looks like those old banditos got what was coming to ‘em! Ol’ Thunderbird sure agrees.”

Sure enough, the banditos are all tied up to a tall post, surrounded by the now slumbering Thunderbird’s hungry babies and raising their feet up nervously. Their horses are piled on top of each other, while the Head Bandito’s bear joyously enjoys hibernation in happiness. The daylight of the rising sun signals that our return to the sawmill dock where our expedition began is not far from now.

“Well, I guess it’s time to say goodbye,” an unseen Hoot says as a rousing reprise of “Down the Western River” echoes from far away (presumably from Dry Gulch). “So, when the boat stops, kindly step out to your left, and until we meet again, smooth sailing! Hooo! Hooo!”

We disembark our rowboat and exit through a mine tunnel leading to either the Western River Trading Post, the attraction’s post-ride shop, or back outdoors to the town of Thunder Ridge, ready to find more adventure out on the wild frontier (or even for a repeat trip “down the Western River”).

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Credit and dedication are due to...

• both @DisneyManOne and @MANEATINGWREATH for their takes on Western River Expedition, which were heavy influences for this version of the legendarily lost attraction
• Foxx Nolte (FoxxFur) for putting together what was, for the longest time, the most definitive piece on WRE

Next up, we'll be going on "the wildest ride in the wilderness"...or rather, this park's riff on it!