We are having the same predicament right now. DD4.5 is dying to ride TOT, but we are still thinking she will freak out because I am not convinced she really understands what the ride is. She loves the drop in Splash and is not at all afraid of HM. Perhaps it's just us parentals that are scared?
If she wants to ride, I say let her ride. The anguish she'll feel from not being allowed to ride something she is tall enough for and wants to ride will be worse that whatever anguish she feels from being scared on the actual ride.
Of course, that's just one parenting philosophy. Your views and results may vary.
In addition to the kid roller coasters, they've ridden the kid versions of the drop rides at other parks and loved them. They also both rode Haunted Mansion, Pirates of the Caribbean, The Great Movie Ride (the alien part still scares even ME)...and liked all of them. They were a bit nervous about the Haunted Mansion, but thought it was more funny than scary. The worst reaction I saw was the shark part from the Nemo Ride.
Medically I can't do TOT but being as it's me and my daughter we do the preshow. I love the theming so it's worth just going for that. She has no interest in riding but likes watching the doors open outside and trying to see the people freak out.You can exit the ride after the pre-show. If the pre-show is too intense, leave.
There is a difference between intense and scary. ToT has a lot of dark and spooky parts. The ride itself is mostly in the dark. Twilight Zone, as a show, was more creepy and intense than scary. Use the pre-show as a test. Make sure there is a willing adult who will leave with the child. "Whew! I'm glad you're leaving with me, kid! Let's go find some characters!"
DH doesn't like thrill rides so, I plan to take him and DS through the pre-show. DH will leave and DS can pick a parent.
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