Here's the script for the health show at House of Genius with Ludwig Von Drake and Goofy. It's actually a slightly longer version of "Goofy About Health" from Epcot's Wonders of Life. Most of the lecture is explained with various TV screens on the wall, each depicting clips from Goofy cartoons, which are used appropriately depending on what's specifically happening with Goofy.
(After the audience is seated in the medium-sized theater and the cast member goes over the safety spiels (i.e., remain seated, no eating, drinking, smoking, flash pictures and all), the curtain rises and an Audio-Animatronic Von Drake appears on the stage. There are a dozen TV screens on the wall behind him.)
VON DRAKE: Hello there! Welcome to Von Drake's House of Genius. This is the house and I'm the genius. And what I'm gonna talk about today is a problem facing people these days. You know what that problem is? Health issues, that's what! Anywho, are any of you people in the audience physically fit? Are you in shape? You men, are you V-shaped or solid like a pyramid? And you ladies, do you have an hourglass figure or did your sands shift? Are you fit? Active? Trim? Well, those are the shapes I'm in. The trouble with you is you’re getting soft because you're not getting enough exercise. After all, you can't just sit in a chair all day and expect to be fit, or even expect to fit the chair for that matter. It is known to us psychologists as unhealthy living. In this modern machine age, most of our work is done by machine. Now they have a machine that does the work for the machines. Yes sir, times have really changed for man. In the old days, he'd wear out his shoes. Now all he wears out is the seat of his pants. Anyway, my point is, too many people nowadays are in the same shape the world is in: round. To coin the phrase, it's not called "survival of the fattest", it's called "survival of the fittest". Course, it'd be a lot easier if it was "survival of the fattest", because today, man spends much of his time in clubs: supper clubs, country clubs, night clubs. Now let's see, where was I? Oh yeah, the lecture.
(Some of the TVs light up, depicting scenes of Toontown and its buildings.)
VON DRAKE: Behold, the city, a marvelous microcosm of human activity...
(Another TV screen lights up, showing clips of factories showing cranes, stamping machines and steel foundries.)
VON DRAKE: Where the wheels of progress spin smoothly for the common good...
(This TV turns off and another one lights up, showing windows with various murder scenes: strangling, threatening with guns, hanging, etc.)
VON DRAKE: Where society can mingle for an entertaining night on the town...
(This TV turns off and yet another lights up, revealing Goofy being attacked repeatedly, by a bottle, a frying pan and a rolling pin.)
VON DRAKE: And where families can be embraced in domestic harmony (chuckles).
(This screen turns off, as do the rest.)
VON DRAKE: In this urban paradise, I have located one individual who's reached better and healthier health and fitness. So now, it is my pleasure to introduce this, the unqualified champion of healthy living (chuckles).
(A screen lights up, revealing a very tired Goofy crawling across the floor of his house to his chair, which he slumps into.)
VON DRAKE: Ah yes, here he is now, the king returning to his castle, triumphed after a day of battle and crusade, full of vim and vinegar (chuckles). Let us now observe the regiment my subject follows to maintain his lively nature.
(This screen turns off, while at the same time, another lights up, revealing Goofy holding a baby in one hand and a hose in the other while talking on the phone.)
VON DRAKE: When arriving home, our friend takes some time out to spend a few relaxing moments with his family.
(This screen turns off, while another turns on, revealing Goofy eating quickly a LOT of food.)
VON DRAKE: Then it's time for a light, easy meal.
(This screen turns off, while another lights up, revealing a table covered with tobacco wares and Goofy reclining in a chair with his covered in a smoke cloud.)
VON DRAKE: Followed by some refreshing deep-breathing exercises.
(This screen turns off and another lights up, revealing a smoking Goofy racing out of the house, leaving a trail of smoke behind.)
VON DRAKE: Realizing the need to get out of the house...
(This screen turns off and another lights up, revealing Goofy heading to a poker table engulfed in a giant smoke cloud, which he walks into.)
VON DRAKE: My subject occasionally gathers with his peers for some friendly, relaxing recreation.
GOOFY: (to his "peers" playing poker at the smoke-obscured table) Hiya, fellers!
PLAYER 1: (deadpan) Hi.
PLAYER 2: (deadpan) Hello.
PLAYER 3: (faces obscured by cards) Aw...
PLAYER 4: (deadpan) Puddup 'er shaddup.
(Goofy is now playing poker with the "peers" while the clock then reads 3:00. This screen turns off and another lights up, revealing Goofy perched on the head of his bed like an owl while the clock on the nightstand ticks away.)
VON DRAKE: Finally, he's home for a restful night of pleasant dreams.
(The clock rings crazily.)
VON DRAKE: The next morning, our kooky friend awakens.
(Goofy hastily leaps out of bed and grabs a cigarette and starts smoking. This screen turns off and another lights up, revealing Goofy nervously trying to swallow a pill with a glass of water.)
VON DRAKE: His morning wake-up ritual ensures that his transition from slumber to consciousness is smooth, quick and gradual (chuckles).
(This screen turns off and another lights up, revealing Goofy sitting at a table smoking a cigarette, which he extinguishes in a coffee cup. Another cigarette pops out of the toaster on the table and he grabs it.)
VON DRAKE: He then proceeds to prepare for the day ahead with the finest fuels Mother Nature has to offer.
(This screen turns off and another lights up, revealing Goofy furiously starting his car and driving off.)
VON DRAKE: Then he proceeds with a carefree, relaxing jaunt to work.
(The car zips through heavy traffic, while Goofy is seen yelling at other drivers.)
GOOFY: Get off my road! Move over! Lemme pass!
(This screen turns off and another lights up, revealing Goofy at his job while his boss slams a pile of papers down on the table and yells, "Get to work!", after which Goofy is quickly writing in paper after paper.)
VON DRAKE: Once on the job, our friend promptly takes over and works independently.
(This screen turns off and another lights up, revealing Goofy at a bar with a weasel as a bartender. The weasel serves Goofy a martini with a "goofball" in it.)
VON DRAKE: And then he cleverly uses his lunch break as a way to unwind and reflect on the work that lies ahead.
(This screen turns off and another lights up, revealing Goofy back at his desk sound asleep with a typewriter in front of him. His boss yells at him to work and though asleep, he still works at typing at the typewriter with his toes. His boss then forces him, still sound asleep, out of the office.)
VON DRAKE: Back at his job, he is ever attentive to the smallest detail and is regularly awarded time off by his superiors.
(This screen turns off and another lights up, revealing Goofy back at the bar, downing his goofball-laced martini in one big gulp, after which he gets a distorted drunken look.)
VON DRAKE: After a strenuous day, our friend likes to relax in a setting of good-natured solidarity (chuckles).
(This screen turns off and another lights up, revealing an intoxicated Goofy driving. He hiccups and struggles to focus. He ends up driving on train tracks, with an oncoming train constantly rear-ending his car.)
VON DRAKE: And when it's time to drive home, he remains ever watchful of other drivers.
(This screen turns off and another lights up, revealing the first scene of Goofy: very tired and crawling across the floor of his house to his chair, which he slumps into.)
VON DRAKE: Ah, home again, home again, ready once more for relaxation and healthy living. Yes sir, he's truly created a paradise on Earth.
(Goofy looks at the camera, perplexed.)
VON DRAKE: Or has he?
(Suddenly, to frantic music, all TV screens light up, revealing Goofy in various unhealthy situations: i.e., drinking, overworking, overeating, taking pills, smoking, etc., while Goofy is heard yelling a lot. Von Drake ducks aside. Finally, things settle and all but one screen turns off. This one is Goofy, sick in bed. There's no sound except a clock ticking. He opens his mouth wide like he's yelling while a woman puts a thermometer in his mouth and a hot water bottle on his head. Goofy's temperature, as seen on the thermometer, rises exaggeratively high.)
VON DRAKE: Course, even in paradise, some people do get sick (chuckles). I finally diagnosed our kooky friend's problem as the dreaded and all-too-common unhealthy living blues!
(Blues music starts playing while the screens all light up again, this time some showing unhealthy conditions of Goofy's X-rays and others showing clips of Goofy himself partaking in such situations.)
VON DRAKE: (singing) Health is your responsibility. Your doctor's your friend, so listen to me. Running around town is what made you crack.
(Goofy's X-rays show his heart high up near his neck, while a TV screen shows Goofy holding a baby while standing at his door, where a salesman is trying to sell a gadget.)
VON DRAKE: (singing) Blood pressure's up near a heart attack! You got those unhealthy living blues. Oh, yeah.
(Another X-ray shows forms of fast food (a burger, fries and a soda) in Goofy's stomach. At the same time, another TV screen shows an overweight Goofy at a restaurant counter on two stools, which fall under his weight.)
VON DRAKE: (singing) Overeating has added those extra calories and cholesterol clog up your arteries.
(The X-rays reveal Goofy's brain inflating big-time while Goofy is seen opening up a medicine cabinet and grabbing a big pile of drug bottles.)
VON DRAKE: (singing) Your body ain't used to those dangerous drugs.
(Goofy is now seen on one screen drinking coffee at his worktable.)
VON DRAKE: (singing) You just can't survive on coffee slugs.
(The brain in Goofy's X-ray explodes and then the top of his head erupts like a volcano.)
VON DRAKE: (singing) You got those unhealthy living blues.
(Still another X-ray is shown, this time of Goofy's lungs as they seem to breathe weakly. Meanwhile, Goofy is seen with numerous cigarettes in his mouth. He starts coughing, hacking and wheezing.)
VON DRAKE: (singing) And if you keep inhaling that cigarette smoke, you could get emphazema or cancer or stroke!
(Another X-ray shows Goofy downing a large quantity of alcohol, the contents of which fill up his body.)
VON DRAKE: (singing) Drinking too much just ain't that much smart. It hurts your liver, your brain and your heart. You got those blues, baby. You got those unhealthy living blues. And that's the unhealthy living (high-pitched) blues!
(The Goofy with the thermometer in his mouth is shown again. The temperature drops and his face turns blue from cold.)
VON DRAKE: (laughing) Did you hear that note? It came out "blue"! All right, back to the lecture.
(This screen turns off and another lights up, revealing Goofy looking thoughtful as if thinking.)
VON DRAKE: Anyways, our friend mulled over my advice and then made a very bold decision.
(This screen turns off and another lights up, revealing Goofy pushing all foods on the table away from himself, save for a single carrot. While staring at it, his head turns into that of a rabbit.)
VON DRAKE: From now on, all overeating habits would be removed from his life. Forever.
(This screen turns off and another lights up, revealing Goofy walking away from a fridge and then sliding back, digging for more food. When he sees what’s he’s done he looks guilty while hiding the food behind him.)
VON DRAKE: Yes sir, mending his old ways was as easy as... hmm, not as easy as you thought, is it?
(This screen turns off and another lights up, revealing Goofy reaching down to touch his toes, while at the same time, his toes struggle to reach up to his fingers, even poking through the shoe tips to do so. They reach and then he falls over in a heap.)
VON DRAKE: But eventually, our friend's determination did begin to pay off. He started to take his first forward steps to healthier living.
(This screen turns off and another lights up, revealing Goofy determinedly brushing away a giant smoke cloud he's standing and then sweeps all his smoking wares of his desk. Then it shows some coworkers of his typing in their typewriters.)
VON DRAKE: And he's given up smoking forever, too. It also helped to let others around breathe more easily, too.
(This screen turns off and another lights up, revealing Goofy and a dancing dummy. Goofy is seen drinking a small alcoholic drink.)
VON DRAKE: And he vowed to drink alcohol only in restrained moderation.
(This screen turns off and another lights up, revealing Goofy eating a table.)
VON DRAKE: Meals are now nutritionally sound.
(This screen turns off and another lights up, revealing Goofy sleeping on a mattress.)
VON DRAKE: And now proper rest is the norm instead of the exception. Yes sir, he's really enjoying his new life.
(This screen turns off and another lights up, revealing Goofy walking down the street. He takes in a big breath of fresh air and pounds his chest with the health of it all. Music starts and Goofy is heard singing.)
GOOFY: (singing) Oh, I'm lovin' my healthy ways. Feelin' better every single day, a-hyuck!
(This screen turns off and another lights up, revealing a bathing suit-clad Goofy inside a bubble underwater. He had pierced the bubble with an umbrella and sits down in a lounge chair.)
GOOFY: (singing) Feeling better for plenty of play. Hooray for healthy ways!
(This screen turns off and another lights up, revealing the bathing suit-wearing Goofy on a piano stool practicing to swim.)
VON DRAKE: Our friend has discovered the benefits of regular exercise.
(This screen turns off and another lights up, revealing Goofy trying to ride a horse.)
VON DRAKE: And he's developed an unbridled enthusiasm for challenging new tasks (chuckles).
(This screen turns off and another lights up, revealing Goofy dancing with a woman at a dance hall.)
VON DRAKE: He's always enjoying the wonderful rewards that come with the trial sand the tribulations that come from modern-day living.
(This screen turns off and another lights up, revealing Goofy and his son vacationing in the mountains. They've made a fire and Goofy is flipping a pancake on a pan over the fire.)
VON DRAKE: And he's enjoying fun-filled family vacations.
(This screen turns off and another lights up, revealing two scenes, one of Goofy skiing and the other of him surfing.)
VON DRAKE: This enables him to live life fresh, relaxed and full of energy (chuckles).
GOOFY: (surfing) Hey, look! I made it! I made it!
(This screen turns off and another lights up, revealing Goofy happily climbing into his car.)
VON DRAKE: And a result, he's now more attentive on the road...
(This screen turns off and another lights up, revealing Goofy at his job. He's writing a paper a co-worker gives him.)
VON DRAKE: ...more productive on the job...
(This screen turns off and another lights up, revealing Goofy at home playing horsey with his son, who rides him across the floor. Goofy then tries to leap over the back of couch, only to catch his feet on it. He falls down on his stomach while his son slides off his back.)
VON DRAKE: ...and best of all, more fun and popular than ever around the home.
(This screen turns off and they all light up, revealing Goofy engaging in various activities: i.e., Olympics, sleeping, dancing, etc.)
GOOFY: (singing) Oh, I'm livin' the healthy way, feelin' better every single day, a-hyuck! I'm finding plenty of time for play. Oh, hooray for healthy, talk about your healthy, I said your healthy ways!
VON DRAKE: Yes sir, life for our hero has taken on a whole ‘nother meaning. And now the whole world is a happier, healthier place to live in. And it looks like our friend is truly kooky, or rather, GOOFY about health (chuckles)!
(Now all the screens turn off for good.)
VON DRAKE: Well, I’d like to thank you all for coming to my lecture on health. Hope to see you again next time! See you next time and have a healthy day now (chuckles)!
(Then Von Drake walks off-stage and the curtain closes, after which a cast member asks everyone to pick up their belongings and leave, the usual good-byes.)
What do you think?
At long last, DLP will have a Toontown!!! :sohappy: :sohappy:
