I need a new start....

[disneygirl1024]

My ex is really making a riff in the family. He will not stay away and keeps asking my parents for money. Tonight was the last straw. After my parents telling me they would never ever lend him money again they went ahead and did anyway. The excuse was they did it because they feel sorry for my kids who are 17 and 19 and the 17 year old is quite disrespectful to me. I feel like I'm pushed aside again and they are choosing him over me. My parents and I had a falling out and I didn't talk to them for 2 years and he will not leave my family alone and keeps rearing his ugly head. So now I feel I need to start over somewhere else. My life sucks right now! It's pretty bad when my parents and my siblings chose the ex over me.

 

[dave&di]

I have no wise words on your situation I'm afraid I hope you have many friends who show you love and make you feel special. Unfortunately we can't pick our families, I at times have problems with mine. I hope airing your feelings on here helps, hopefully someone else can use "wiser" words.

 

[StarWarsGirl]

Well...

As far as the 17 year old goes, they're 17. If he/she is disrespectful, you're his mother; tell him to knock it off. And the 19 year old is an adult. If he/she needs help from relatives, then he/she should be going to said relatives to ask for money.

While I can't say why your family is siding with your ex over the situation, I can say that your parents are not that unusual. My grandmother kept giving my dead-beat cousin money...even after he stole her car, stole money from her, and has been on drugs. She finally stopped after his ex-girlfriend, who is now off the drugs and kicked him out, convinced her that she wasn't doing him any favors. Why the rest of us had no success is beyond me. Family can be complicated. Oh, and my cousin-in-law's family told her they never wanted anything to do with her again because of her choices in life, even though she's no longer using drugs and is raising her daughter well along with my cousin. Her only consolation is her in-laws treat her well. Oh, and her family rejected her daughter. Unfortunately I know how that goes.

 

[luv]

Not knowing you or your story, I have very general advice...

Going somewhere else won't change anything. It's just running away.

If you have things to fix, fix them. If you have things to put behind you so that you can move on, put them behind you and move on.

It sounds like you could use a therapist or psychiatrist to help you deal with all your baggage so that you will be able to lighten your emotional load and enjoy your life more. If your insurance doesn't cover it (lots do), many communities have freebie therapists.

Best of luck!

 

[ajrwdwgirl]

Your situation is tough. Sometimes it is tough to tell families how you feel but it might help but seeking a therapist might be a good idea since they are trained to help people in these situations. Good luck to you.

 

[disneygirl1024]

I really do appreciate your words of advice. Thank you so much! While I have told my daughter she is being disrespectful and immature, she then turned on me and said I was being disrespectful and immature. Ahhhh the little minds of youth these days. While I cut off communication from her and that may not have been the best choice it keeps her from &@'&/!@ing at me!

 

[Nemo14]

I really do appreciate your words of advice. Thank you so much! While I have told my daughter she is being disrespectful and immature, she then turned on me and said I was being disrespectful and immature. Ahhhh the little minds of youth these days. While I cut off communication from her and that may not have been the best choice it keeps her from &@'&/!@ing at me!

They do grow up though....I remember being that age and thinking I had it all figured out. I wasn't disrespectful, but pretty "sure of myself". Sooner or later we all learn that we have a lot to learn!

 

[luv]

They do grow up though....I remember being that age and thinking I had it all figured out. I wasn't disrespectful, but pretty "sure of myself". Sooner or later we all learn that we have a lot to learn!

Going through my father's stuff, I found a paper I had signed and dated when I was 12, stating that I knew everything I'd ever need to know! He kept it, all those years! Lol!

By the time I was 20, I wasn't quite that bright. And after many more years of schooling, experience, reading and listening to others...I've become very dumb, indeed. Just ask my son. He's in college and knows EVERYTHING.

 

[StarWarsGirl]

Being 18, I can say that these years are not easy. Pushing for more freedom, but at the same time inwardly feeling "I have no idea what the heck I'm doing!" There have been so many times where I have no idea what to do with myself and I just start crying. I really try not to be disrespectful, but at the same time, you just want your parents to buzz off.

Best thing is to talk to your daughter, not down to her. That's one thing that just completely annoys me and will make me not listen. When my dad starts talking down to me, I shut down. I've never known my mother to do this, and guess which parent I have the better relationship with?

And don't bash her father in front of her. That's how my aunt alienated herself from my grandmother, and now one of my friends has a mother doing it to him, so he's moving in with his father.

One thing about us older teens: We do listen to what you say. It just is sometimes we have to think about it until it's our idea and then it becomes a very good idea.

 

[Gabe1]

I echo the the therapist. I watched a similar situation with one of my BFs. The role the therapist took on with her was to help her effectively deal with her children and her ex. How to break the vicious circle. It put her back to thinking positive about herself and all the good things she did for her children even though they were living with their Dad. Dad fueled the fire and enjoyed the rift the kids had with their Mom.

Ultimately she took a big step back, told them if they wished to see her and spend time together she was there for them and she loved them.

Sometime you just have to let go of the situation, deal with your own needs and they come around. Especially when they aren't getting their jollies off by upsetting you anymore. Take care of yourself, get yourself into a good place and the rest will work itself out.

 

[disneygirl1024]

I echo the the therapist. I watched a similar situation with one of my BFs. The role the therapist took on with her was to help her effectively deal with her children and her ex. How to break the vicious circle. It put her back to thinking positive about herself and all the good things she did for her children even though they were living with their Dad. Dad fueled the fire and enjoyed the rift the kids had with their Mom.

Ultimately she took a big step back, told them if they wished to see her and spend time together she was there for them and she loved them.

Sometime you just have to let go of the situation, deal with your own needs and they come around. Especially when they aren't getting their jollies off by upsetting you anymore. Take care of yourself, get yourself into a good place and the rest will work itself out.

I know that son of a biscuit is totally enjoying us having a rift!

 

[Disvillain63]

My parents divorced in 1978 and my dad remarried 5 months later. My brothers (younger than me) have not spoken to my dad since then. In the early years, my dad tried to keep a door open for them and he says that if they called now that he wouldn't turn them away...but after so many years of having a door slammed in his face, he just had to let them go. Obviously, from the time period above, everyone blames my dad for the divorce...and back then, many companies held their employees accountable for actions outside of work ... he received a demotion...he tried hard not to say anything negative about our mom and still tries hard today. I'm sure it was hard for him to lose his sons, along with the respect of others. His parents were mad at him for years and took more time with my mom and brothers than my dad, but they did eventually come back to support him, as their son. On the otherhand, I've had many milestones in my life that my mom refused to attend because my dad was present...I had to bargain so that he could walk me down the aisle at my wedding...she and my brother walked out of the baptism of my first-born...recently, she walked out of my son's wedding because something didn't go her way. My kids have witnessed her behaviors and they have little respect for her; they are cordial to her but they are easily exasperated by her. The moral: Remember that the end of your relationship with your 'ex' was not the end of your relationship with your kids. Keep your heart opened for them and maybe as others (outside the family) begin to influence their lives, they'll come back around. As for your parents, if they think they're helping their grandkids, then it will be hard for them to hold back on giving money...if they think it is helping. Patience and a good friend to talk to will help you.