This article was in our local newspaper, the Palm Beach Post, on Friday. I would've posted it that day but I had to go to Tallahassee. Anyways, the man who wrote it, Frank Cerabino, is a pretty funny guy who writes a "humor column," I guess you would say, every day in our Local section. I thought it was pretty funny, and it had to do with the big story about Disney not distributing Michael Moore's new film, so I thought I'd share it with everyone.
Tweak Disney to everyone's cup of political tea
By Frank Cerabino, Palm Beach Post Columnist
Friday, May 7, 2004
News item: Disney Chief Executive Michael Eisner said his company won't distribute the new Michael Moore film, Fahrenheit 9/11, a documentary that highlights the relationship between the families of George W. Bush and Osama bin Laden.
Eisner found the movie, which had been a project of Disney subsidiary Miramax, to be too politically charged in this election year.
Filmmaker Michael Moore said the real reason Disney won't handle the movie was that Eisner doesn't want to offend Florida Gov. Jeb Bush, who could retaliate by becoming hostile to Walt Disney World, near Orlando.
To: All Walt Disney World cast members
From: Michael E.
Subject: Changes at Disney-Florida effective immediately
1. No more France
Having a France attraction might be seen by our friends in Tallahassee and Washington as a political statement. So we're kicking France out of the Epcot circle of nations.
We'll replace France with a coalition partner (check the list to see who is still aboard). A country with a decent cuisine would be nice. What do they eat in Iceland, Palau and Rwanda?
2. Prison reform in the Pirates of the Caribbean ride
Showing the poor prison conditions inside the Pirates ride might be seen as a political statement that reflects poorly on our friends. As disclosures continue to mount from the Abu Ghraib prison in Iraq, we might be accused of being unpatriotic by showing our pirates (barely clothed) being tortured behind bars (dog withholding key) in conditions that may run afoul of the standards set by the Geneva Conventions.
We don't want to be un-American. Whatever that means these days.
So in an abundance of caution, the Pirates of the Caribbean ride will be altered to include a clean, sanitary jail cell and fully clothed pirates -- and no scarves, which might look too much like bags over their heads. We're also replacing that key-holding dog with a smiling animatronic defense lawyer.
3. Upkeep in the Hall of Presidents
The President Bill Clinton figure will be removed from display for routine maintenance. Scheduled return date: Wednesday, Nov. 3.
5. Changes in the Indiana Jones Stunt Spectacular
Indy will no longer trounce all those Arabs in the bazaar. Instead, Indy will hook up an electric generator for them, hand them a copy of Democracy for Dummies, and then they will hoist him on their shoulders and shower him with rose petals.
6. Character development
Dumbo will be changed from an elephant to a donkey. The Swiss Family Treehouse will change national origin to acknowledge our good friends the Bulgarians.
7. It's a Small World
This might be seen as a political statement. If it's such a small world, we would have found those pesky weapons of mass destruction. Until further notice: "It's a vast world, after all."
8. The Universe of Energy exhibit in Epcot will be closed until further notice
To stress our fascination with oil at a time like this might be seen as a political statement.
EDIT: I removed #4 because it didn't seem appropriate to post.
Tweak Disney to everyone's cup of political tea
By Frank Cerabino, Palm Beach Post Columnist
Friday, May 7, 2004
News item: Disney Chief Executive Michael Eisner said his company won't distribute the new Michael Moore film, Fahrenheit 9/11, a documentary that highlights the relationship between the families of George W. Bush and Osama bin Laden.
Eisner found the movie, which had been a project of Disney subsidiary Miramax, to be too politically charged in this election year.
Filmmaker Michael Moore said the real reason Disney won't handle the movie was that Eisner doesn't want to offend Florida Gov. Jeb Bush, who could retaliate by becoming hostile to Walt Disney World, near Orlando.
To: All Walt Disney World cast members
From: Michael E.
Subject: Changes at Disney-Florida effective immediately
1. No more France
Having a France attraction might be seen by our friends in Tallahassee and Washington as a political statement. So we're kicking France out of the Epcot circle of nations.
We'll replace France with a coalition partner (check the list to see who is still aboard). A country with a decent cuisine would be nice. What do they eat in Iceland, Palau and Rwanda?
2. Prison reform in the Pirates of the Caribbean ride
Showing the poor prison conditions inside the Pirates ride might be seen as a political statement that reflects poorly on our friends. As disclosures continue to mount from the Abu Ghraib prison in Iraq, we might be accused of being unpatriotic by showing our pirates (barely clothed) being tortured behind bars (dog withholding key) in conditions that may run afoul of the standards set by the Geneva Conventions.
We don't want to be un-American. Whatever that means these days.
So in an abundance of caution, the Pirates of the Caribbean ride will be altered to include a clean, sanitary jail cell and fully clothed pirates -- and no scarves, which might look too much like bags over their heads. We're also replacing that key-holding dog with a smiling animatronic defense lawyer.
3. Upkeep in the Hall of Presidents
The President Bill Clinton figure will be removed from display for routine maintenance. Scheduled return date: Wednesday, Nov. 3.
5. Changes in the Indiana Jones Stunt Spectacular
Indy will no longer trounce all those Arabs in the bazaar. Instead, Indy will hook up an electric generator for them, hand them a copy of Democracy for Dummies, and then they will hoist him on their shoulders and shower him with rose petals.
6. Character development
Dumbo will be changed from an elephant to a donkey. The Swiss Family Treehouse will change national origin to acknowledge our good friends the Bulgarians.
7. It's a Small World
This might be seen as a political statement. If it's such a small world, we would have found those pesky weapons of mass destruction. Until further notice: "It's a vast world, after all."
8. The Universe of Energy exhibit in Epcot will be closed until further notice
To stress our fascination with oil at a time like this might be seen as a political statement.
EDIT: I removed #4 because it didn't seem appropriate to post.
