Our last pair of flights to and from Orlando was like a nightmarish cavalcade of all the people with whom you hope you don't have to fly! With tongue firmly in cheek (and understanding that we're all "that guy" now and then), I present to you, a list of all the guys (or gals) we met, and who you don't want to be:
1 - Don't be that guy who holds up the TSA security line because his pockets are full of spare change and a keychain made from a shell casing, his Jersey Shore-inspired gold chains are still around his neck, and his combat boots take 10 minutes to unlace. Know ahead of time what can and can't go in your carryon bag. Empty your pockets and stash your 3-1-1 bags and electronics-larger-than-a-phone in outside luggage pockets so they're easy to pull out and put in a bin. (Thanks for that unsolicited look at all the grubby underwear you had to dig through to get out your liquids bag, dude-flying-in-flannel-PJ-pants!) Train the kids in what to expect ahead of time, and follow all instructions from security agents.
2 - Don't be that guy who holds up boarding. Know your airline's boarding process and respect its rules. Keep your boarding pass handy so you don't have to sort through everything in your designer-handbag-with-87-pockets and in the folds of your unnecessarily-large-and-weather-inappropriate-blanket-scarf to find it at the gate, as though the need for a boarding pass to board the aircraft was a surprise you could never have guessed. Make sure all items you want during the flight are stowed in your personal item and not in your carryon (so you're not the older gentleman who stands up every 5 minutes trying to haul things out of the overhead bin, gets yelled at for not respecting the seatbelt sign, and mutters every time, "well, how was I supposed to know?").
Once aboard, know where you are supposed to sit or where you want to sit (if no seat is assigned, e.g., on Southwest). If traveling with others, decide ahead of time who-sits-where so you're not blocking the aisles as you arrange and rearrange your party three times so Grandma can sit next to toddler Alexis, who is so engrossed in watching Dora on her tablet that she won't budge even after your party has brought the boarding process to a halt for a full 2 minutes, at which point Daddy bodily moves Alexis to the next seat where she screams and cries until takeoff). If there is carryon space above or near your seat, stow your carryon there: do not stick your junk in the first opening you see, like some drunken frat boy. This will force later-boarding passengers who sit in the front seats to have to use overheads behind them (which will require them to swim upstream to retrieve them when it's time to disembark.) Once you've zeroed in on the proper spot for your carryon, stow it wheels-first in the overhead (your carryon, that is - not your coat, not your comfort animal, not your personal item, not all three of your shopaholic wife's duty-free tote bags that she's going to ask you to take down multiple times in-flight, anyway) and sit the heck down.
3 - Don't be that guy who makes the flight unpleasant for those around you. Do not dangle your bare feet into someone else's space or place them on an armrest or tray table, ever. Practice good hygiene, lay off strong perfumes/colognes, and avoid bringing smelly foods (e.g., egg salad, tuna) or allergens (e.g., peanuts) with you. If meal or snack service will be offered, read the drink-and-snack card in the seatback pocket ahead of time, so the flight attendant doesn't have to recite the entire list when he/she comes around to take your order. Don't hog the arm rest, and consider asking your neighbor if they mind when you recline your seat or adjust window shades. Do not kick or dig your knees into the seat ahead of you, as if the airline CEO were sitting there and you wanted to make a point about diminishing leg room. If you need to get up and must grab and make rough love to the seat in front of you in order to get your balance, say "excuse me" to the passenger you're jouncing around (or better yet, say it before the jouncing starts, so they don't spill the coffee they're drinking down the front of their favorite Harry Potter novelty shirt). Supervise your own children: watching blankly as they run up and down the aisle screaming, "Woopity-doo" does not count! Give a sympathetic smile to the inevitable mom-of-crying-baby who is seated near you, desperately trying to quiet her infant. (Do not question the mathematics of this scientific principle, but somehow, this mother is on every flight, and she is always seated near you.)
4 - Don't be that guy who holds up disembarking. Pack up and stow your personal item before landing, or while the aircraft is taxiing to the gate. Do not pretend when it's time to exit the plane that you had thought, up until this very moment, that you were going to live here now, and that's why you need to step into the aisle and have everyone wait while you get your shoes back on, put away your earbuds, poke around for the glasses you thought you put in the seat back pocket, and check six different overheads to find your carryon, which is too heavy for you, and which you will promptly drop onto an innocent old man's shoulder. Thank the pilot(s) and flight attendants on the way out, and don't stop walking or impede the flow of disembarking passengers until you're well past the gate. Having your party of 9 block the entire jetway so that you can retrieve your gate-checked stroller, unfold it right there, place Alexis in it and gingerly buckle her in, pausing to tuck her favorite blanket around her little legs just so, may just get you knifed by the family stuck behind you, and that's not how you want to die.
5 - Don't be that guy who lets the other That Guys get to him and loses his cool. Try to be patient with them, retain your sense of humor, keep unkind words to yourself, and when you get home, you can vent all your angst by posting a rant about them on wdwmagic instead.
If you have any additional "that guys" or flying horror stories you want to discuss, please share!
1 - Don't be that guy who holds up the TSA security line because his pockets are full of spare change and a keychain made from a shell casing, his Jersey Shore-inspired gold chains are still around his neck, and his combat boots take 10 minutes to unlace. Know ahead of time what can and can't go in your carryon bag. Empty your pockets and stash your 3-1-1 bags and electronics-larger-than-a-phone in outside luggage pockets so they're easy to pull out and put in a bin. (Thanks for that unsolicited look at all the grubby underwear you had to dig through to get out your liquids bag, dude-flying-in-flannel-PJ-pants!) Train the kids in what to expect ahead of time, and follow all instructions from security agents.
2 - Don't be that guy who holds up boarding. Know your airline's boarding process and respect its rules. Keep your boarding pass handy so you don't have to sort through everything in your designer-handbag-with-87-pockets and in the folds of your unnecessarily-large-and-weather-inappropriate-blanket-scarf to find it at the gate, as though the need for a boarding pass to board the aircraft was a surprise you could never have guessed. Make sure all items you want during the flight are stowed in your personal item and not in your carryon (so you're not the older gentleman who stands up every 5 minutes trying to haul things out of the overhead bin, gets yelled at for not respecting the seatbelt sign, and mutters every time, "well, how was I supposed to know?").
Once aboard, know where you are supposed to sit or where you want to sit (if no seat is assigned, e.g., on Southwest). If traveling with others, decide ahead of time who-sits-where so you're not blocking the aisles as you arrange and rearrange your party three times so Grandma can sit next to toddler Alexis, who is so engrossed in watching Dora on her tablet that she won't budge even after your party has brought the boarding process to a halt for a full 2 minutes, at which point Daddy bodily moves Alexis to the next seat where she screams and cries until takeoff). If there is carryon space above or near your seat, stow your carryon there: do not stick your junk in the first opening you see, like some drunken frat boy. This will force later-boarding passengers who sit in the front seats to have to use overheads behind them (which will require them to swim upstream to retrieve them when it's time to disembark.) Once you've zeroed in on the proper spot for your carryon, stow it wheels-first in the overhead (your carryon, that is - not your coat, not your comfort animal, not your personal item, not all three of your shopaholic wife's duty-free tote bags that she's going to ask you to take down multiple times in-flight, anyway) and sit the heck down.
3 - Don't be that guy who makes the flight unpleasant for those around you. Do not dangle your bare feet into someone else's space or place them on an armrest or tray table, ever. Practice good hygiene, lay off strong perfumes/colognes, and avoid bringing smelly foods (e.g., egg salad, tuna) or allergens (e.g., peanuts) with you. If meal or snack service will be offered, read the drink-and-snack card in the seatback pocket ahead of time, so the flight attendant doesn't have to recite the entire list when he/she comes around to take your order. Don't hog the arm rest, and consider asking your neighbor if they mind when you recline your seat or adjust window shades. Do not kick or dig your knees into the seat ahead of you, as if the airline CEO were sitting there and you wanted to make a point about diminishing leg room. If you need to get up and must grab and make rough love to the seat in front of you in order to get your balance, say "excuse me" to the passenger you're jouncing around (or better yet, say it before the jouncing starts, so they don't spill the coffee they're drinking down the front of their favorite Harry Potter novelty shirt). Supervise your own children: watching blankly as they run up and down the aisle screaming, "Woopity-doo" does not count! Give a sympathetic smile to the inevitable mom-of-crying-baby who is seated near you, desperately trying to quiet her infant. (Do not question the mathematics of this scientific principle, but somehow, this mother is on every flight, and she is always seated near you.)
4 - Don't be that guy who holds up disembarking. Pack up and stow your personal item before landing, or while the aircraft is taxiing to the gate. Do not pretend when it's time to exit the plane that you had thought, up until this very moment, that you were going to live here now, and that's why you need to step into the aisle and have everyone wait while you get your shoes back on, put away your earbuds, poke around for the glasses you thought you put in the seat back pocket, and check six different overheads to find your carryon, which is too heavy for you, and which you will promptly drop onto an innocent old man's shoulder. Thank the pilot(s) and flight attendants on the way out, and don't stop walking or impede the flow of disembarking passengers until you're well past the gate. Having your party of 9 block the entire jetway so that you can retrieve your gate-checked stroller, unfold it right there, place Alexis in it and gingerly buckle her in, pausing to tuck her favorite blanket around her little legs just so, may just get you knifed by the family stuck behind you, and that's not how you want to die.
5 - Don't be that guy who lets the other That Guys get to him and loses his cool. Try to be patient with them, retain your sense of humor, keep unkind words to yourself, and when you get home, you can vent all your angst by posting a rant about them on wdwmagic instead.
If you have any additional "that guys" or flying horror stories you want to discuss, please share!
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