Family advice needed

[daisyduckie]

Trying to keep this as much "in a nutshell" as I can. But I would like some advice, or even some kind of perspective other than my own.

For ages I would vacation with my sis and her family. About 3 years ago suddenly I was cut out of all trips. I have continued to invite sis and her family on vacation when with me, only to be refused. Her oldest, my nephew, has no problem going on vacation to WDW with me, thank goodness. Today sis told me it is because she and her oldest daughter are (and have been for years) not getting along, and it is hard for her to see her daughter and I and the bond we have.

Any thoughts? I have suggested therapy to both her and her daughter, or even talking to someone at church. Neither will go.

 

[StarWarsGirl]

There's probably not much that you can do. How old is the daughter? If she is in middle school/beginning high school, it's normal. Other than suggesting that they speak to a counselor to work it out, letting her know that you are there for her to vent, and offering advice if she specifically asks for it, there's not much that you can do. In the end, it's their relationship that is at stake and they are the ones who have to repair it. Unfortunately, the teen years are tough. But you can't really force them to go to counseling, even if you think they do need it.

It sounds like you've been taking your nephew in recent years. You could offer for your niece to go with you, or to do a girls' trip with just your sis.

Personally, I can offer some reassurance that it does get better. I'm 20 now, but during my teen years, my mom and I did not get along. It was rough. Now, other than minor disagreements every now and then, we get along great, and I come home and talk to her for about an hour or so every day. So it does get better as girls mature.

 

[daisyduckie]

It just hurts me that sis has cut me out of much of her life because it upsets her to see me and her oldest daughter getting along. She said that is the only solution she can come up with at this time to her feeling bad. I have asked to take her daughters with me, and she refuses to let me. But she is fine with her son going, which seems odd, but what do I know?? Btw, her son is 23, older daughter 20, younger daughter 14.

I've asked my sis to take trips with me, and we currently have trip to WDW booked. But now, when I have found air fare that works for us, she has given me a litany of excuses on why she shouldn't go--money (after having me book the beach club and refusing to look at a cheaper resort) her oldest daughter would be mad (she has school and sports so she couldn't go) sis is afraid of getting sick on vacation (which has happened before). She won't say yes she will go for sure or no she won't for sure. So I'm just kind of hanging here not sure what to do.

The daughter she is fighting with just turned 20. I thought it was probably just a growing up thing, but sis is sure her daughter hates her and it is so sad to see them both feeling angry at each other.

 

[rsoxguy]

Hello.

Your sister’s behavior as described by you here suggests something perhaps deeper than the simplicity of a mother/daughter squabble. You claim that this sudden separation began three years ago, that your sister will allow her male offspring to go with you (an adult) but not her female offspring (one adult, one child). Additionally, you claim that your sister has made every effort to avoid a trip between you and her alone.

The problem seems to lie between you and your sister, not her and any issues related to her daughter. If she has refused to offer any explanation beyond that which has already been given, then it would seem obvious that she is not going to allow any further revelation as to why she is avoiding you in regard to family trips. This deep-seeded issue may involve jealousy, fear, insecurity, or a host of other issues. A second alternative involves the possibility that her reasons are obvious beyond the details that you have offered here, and you don’t want to acknowledge them for fear of confronting a much deeper crisis within your own heart. A third alternative would involve the possibility that everything stated by you here describes this situation in full, which leaves your sister in position to possess poor life management skills and the inability to get this issue corrected in the near future. I can not say in either case with the information given.

These issues are impossible to diagnose and heal without talking to both of you, which is impossible over the internet with strangers. As such, you are in a position now to simply give your sister some space regarding traveling together, assuring her of your love for her, and leaving open the possibility of further communication regarding this issue in the future as she permits. I wish you the best.

 

[Sans Souci]

Detach with love.

 

[daisyduckie]

Trust me, it is a mother-daughter squabble. She has 2 other children, 1 older and 1 younger, and she doesn't act the same way with them. At all. But they are both very laid back people and her middle child is not.

I truly worry that if things continue as they are, they will soon have no relationship at all. And it is hard to watch and hear it. But I guess you can't force people to get along, right?

 

[catmom46]

Unfortunately, no you can't. My husband has had a rather tumultuous relationship with his mother most of his life, and they've gone through periods of not speaking to each other, but are currently on good terms (although who knows if that'll last). I think the main reason why they've struggled so much is because they're so similar. Neither of them are laid back people and both believe the other should act a certain way and when they don't, they are extremely disappointed and get upset with one another.

All you can do is be there for them when needed. I also wish you the best!

 

[englanddg]

I triple the advice. You can't really do much but sit on the outside at the ready. It stinks, but it is the role you need to play. Just let it pass, and it will pass, I'm quite sure.

 

[R W B]

I'm the youngest of my siblings at 28. My oldest brother is 48 and gets a long with my mom fine as do I. However both of my sisters, 34 & 44 have horrible relationships with our mother. Both of them blame her for their life struggles although I think they should both look in a mirror and put the blame there and I've told them this (maybe that's why I haven't spoken to the 44yr old in almost 2 years lol). With that said though, When I was younger I tried to mend their fences but all I got was a brick wall. You have to let your 20yr old niece and sister work it out on their own. In my experience theirs not much good you can do. Be there for both of them if they want to talk about it but other then that you can't force anything.

You say this started 3 yrs ago, did something happen between them 3 yrs ago that caused these feelings towards each. Maybe mom made her daughter break up with a boyfriend, caught her doing something she wasn't sup to. The list is endless at that age im sure we all know.

My question is, if the daughter is 20yrs old then how exactly is the mother stopping her from going on a trip with you, she's an adult?

In the mean time take the family that you can take and have fun!

 

[daisyduckie]

The control is my niece's car. For both her and her older brother, her grandparents financed a car loan for them. Rather, lent them the money and allowed them to pay back at a very low interest rate. However my sister stepped in and paid off the grandparents for my niece's car.

 

[Debbie]

I have a nephew that is 23. Since he was 18, our relationship has been between us. I believe there is more to this story; however that is between your sister and your niece. My sisters and I are not close by any means but they will not get in between my nephew and me. You can do one of two things: say the Serenity Prayer repeatedly or have a heart to heart, adult conversation with your niece, one in which you refuse to take sides, but maybe if she had someone to talk to about the situation, maybe she needs to hear an adult's take on it? You mustn't tell her what she wants to hear, but what she needs to hear, and she must know you will never repeat what she says. Sometimes when you speak to someone without passing judgement, just having someone to confide in, sometimes it can help soothe a situation. For your sister to try to control your relationship with your adult niece using that excuse----it just doesn't jive.....
good luck

 

[daisyduckie]

Honestly it is getting harder and harder to see my sister's side in all of this. This weekend, while my niece is out of town, my sis has taken the rest of the family to Chicago. Which would be normal and fine--if niece hadn't been trying to get sis to go to Chicago with her for some time. I have heard them talk about it. It gets difficult telling my niece to try and be more respectful of her mom ,when her mom does stuff like this. So what am I supposed to say to her?

As far as my vacations with her? I'm done. Sis did indeed back out of the trip I had booked for us. So far this month I have asked her no less than 4 times to spend the day with me doing things like shopping or movies, and she has said yes and then backed out every time. She has said she feels like I don't want to spend time with her, and this is the response I get when I do invite her out with me.