I think that we probably should focus a little less on what I may or may not have done to the middle stall in the All Star Sports resort's lobby mens room. There are some serious updates to my investigation and I only have a couple minutes left before I am spending the next 63 hours on a Greyhound bus towards home.
I've spent the better part of the week since my discoveries on Tuesday working this case. It hasn't been easy, I'd spent quite a bit of time this week looking for the slightest clues. I'm still waiting for the records from Walgreens and Publix, I've requested records from a few local gas station chains as well. The Shell station outside of the Western Gate may know more than they let on. I mean, it's a free country, I can walk onto their property and DEMAND access to their sales records in order to help this investigation along, can't I? I bought a king size Snickers while I was there and everything, so I was a paying customer! They can't threaten to involve the police can they? The police have already let me know that they have no intention of helping me catch this criminal. Maybe this person has ties to Shell or the police! I'll investigate this further when I get home and write up my Freedom of Information Act requests.
Anyway, this is too big of a digression from the story I meant to tell from last night.
I was getting my caricature done last night at the entrance to the World Premier Food Court. I thought it would be an inconspicuous way to stake out the area without arousing too much suspicion. Plus, it will look GREAT on the wall at home next to the picture of me and the wife in Branson with none other than Yakov Smirnoff that we took last year. Say what you will, that man is still hilarious!
As the artist was about halfway done, I caught out of the corner of my eye someone filling a resort mug with a 20 ounce bottle of something. I couldn't tell what it was from my location, but this HAD to be our perpetrator. My view was partially blocked by a guest who was delivering a tray of sandwiches to her hungry children, but I could make out a little. The man was middle aged, white, wearing a baseball cap (couldn't make out the team), and a Hawaiian shirt. I watched as he finished pouring the first bottle and reached into his backpack and pulled out a second bottle! I was on him now. I still didn't want to let the perp know that I was watching him (plus, the drawing was not completed yet), so I watched as he finished pouring his second bottle in, placed the two half-empty 20oz bottles into his backpack, and walked up to the fountain, and, just as I suspected, filled it with ice. What kind of a man was I dealing with here? Who puts ice in the cup after filling it. It splashes all over the place! It makes no sense! I'd better be careful here.
As the man was placing his lid back onto his mug, my caricature artist informed me that my drawing was complete. I paid her for the lovely drawing (though why she drew me on Dumbo I do not know, I have severe motion sickness on any rides that go in circles). By the time she got the info entered into her little point of sale machine, and I was able to fish my Magic Band out of my pants pocket (No way I'm wearing one of those handcuffs on my wrist!), the man had turned and started walking out of the front door of the lobby. I don't think he noticed me. I did get a good look at his Hawaiian shirt, it had little bottles of Tabasco on it, and his baseball cap had Donald Duck on it, so it didn't give me any clues to what city he may have come from.
Fearing I might lose him, I grabbed my drawing and raced out the front door just as he was boarding a bus to Animal Kingdom. Having used my last park ticket the day before to go and spend time in my favorite park, Epcot, I knew that if that bus headed out, I was going to lose our man. He was one of the last to board the bus, so I started to race over towards the line. Unfortunately I did not see the gentleman next to me had set his suitcase down in order to tie his shoe, and as I raced forward, I tripped and fell. I went down hard. Just some scraped hands and knees, but it did require some iodine from the first aid station later in the day.
As I got back to my feet, the bus door closed and the bus started to pull out. Desperate now, I did the only thing I could think of. I raced after the bus yelling. Maybe if I could catch up to it, I could convince the driver to stop and let me on, and I could apprehend the Tabasco Man using some form of citizen's arrest. Sadly, I'm not in the best shape, so the bus was pulling away fast despite my best efforts. Still, I was not ready to give up. I raced into the street rushing after the bus, giving up hope slowly. That's when the bus came to the end of the driveway and hit a stop sign! This was my chance. Giving it all I had, I raced forward. I made it up to the side of the bus and started knocking on the side. I was 10 feet from the bus door when the bus started pulling out, making a left turn. This was it. It was my moment. Last gasp, last shot. I dove forward.
and I dropped my caricature. This split second, where I felt the paper leave my hand was all it took. I looked back for my paper, and the bus pulled away. I turned to pick up the page, sadly lamenting my failure. What I didn't realize is that I was in the middle of the road. Since I was mostly blocked by the turning bus, I don't think oncoming traffic could see me. Once the bus pulled away from me, I think the oncoming driver was surprised to see me. He veered to miss me, and flew off into the median, hitting a road sign. He seemed to be ok, and I needed to get someone to tend to my wounds, and really, who cares about a little car accident (thousands of them happen every day) when I just lost my master criminal. So I dejectedly headed back into the lobby to ask the front desk if they could get me some band-aids, and maybe, just maybe, knew the identity of their guest who has a penchant for Tabasco.
Of course, they didn't have any idea who that was, and warned me that running after busses was against Disney regulations and I would be trespassed the next time I was caught doing it. I tried explaining our master criminal to them, but they shockingly seemed uninterested. This is what is meant when we talk about declining standards at Disney World right here. Back in the 70's or 80's, they would have sent out a squadron of police to hunt this man down. Today, they threatened me. ME!?!
So, that is the end of it for now. I sit here in the lobby, waiting to see if by chance the Tabasco Man decides to come back from Animal Kingdom before the cab shows up here to take me to the bus depot. My wife is having her 6th beer back in our room, somehow disgusted in my actions this week. It's going to be a fun bus ride home, let me tell you.
I'll keep up the search once I return home. Hopefully I'll have the financial records, and now I can cross-reference against people who may have also bought Tabasco sauce at the same time. Still, this seems to have been my worst trip to Disney World ever. Thanks Disney. Thanks for ruining my vacation.
