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Anyone willing to help me with a Cranium Command fan story? (Beta readers needed)

Cheekylittlerobot

Active Member
Original Poster
Lately, I've been writing stories about Buzzy and Cranium Command in general. However, I am unsure if the stories are interesting and if they are a good expansion of the original concept. I've had to alter some things to make it work but I aim to make it represent the original attraction's spirit. Would anyone be willing to help?
 
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Lately, I've been writing stories about Buzzy and Cranium Command in general. However, I am unsure if the stories are interesting and if they are a good expansion of the original concept. I've had to alter some things to make it work but I aim to make it represent the original attraction's spirit. Would anyone be willing to help?
My ten year old daughter is obsessed with Buzzy and she and I would LOVE to read your story.
 

Cheekylittlerobot

Active Member
Original Poster
My ten year old daughter is obsessed with Buzzy and she and I would LOVE to read your story.
Sure! I'm still writing a lot of it, but if you want to the samples, you are more than welcome to read. I'd suggest that you as the mom read it first. The story is for all ages but still. (It is a bit different than the original so keep that in mind!) Thank you and here is the link to the first three: https://www.deviantart.com/shadowchroma/art/The-Origin-of-Cranium-Command-736623463 (intro)

https://sta.sh/016cv44t74c0 (About my slightly altered version of Buzzy)

https://sta.sh/01tbkp4ou195 (When Buzzy was born)

I hope you and your daughter like them. Happy reading and please let me know if you have any, questions, concerns or suggestions! :)
 

StarWarsGirl

Well-Known Member
First of all, love fanfic. I think it's a great way to hone writing skills and have some fun.

Strong points:
Your overall concept is good. It seems like you have a vision of your setting and your characters.
Dialogue is very natural

What you mainly need to work on is showing vs. telling. For instance, you have your setting. Great start...for your notes. Your story should unfold gradually. Show the audience pieces of your setting.

For instance, when Buzzy was born, you can describe some of the setting then. You want to spoonfeed it. The backstory can come across more effectively if you reveal it slowly while keeping the action going. Same goes with your characters. Show the audience as you go along who these people are.

Second, you're getting a bit wordy in places. Basically, if you can what you intended in fewer words without giving up meaning, do it. For instance, instead of this...
Approximate 150 years ago, a research colony far out into the secluded countryside was experimenting with a shrink ray prototype. The colony was home to hundreds of people and families, in an attempt to create a scientific community. Their main focus was on technology and biology. Inevitably, something went wrong one day. During a test run, the shrink ray began to overload and exploded, causing a chain reaction. The whole colony, along with much of the surrounding wildlife was shrunken down to about a mile in size, the average adult becoming about an inch tall.
Cut it down so it's more like this...

Over one hundred years ago, scientists created a research colony, home to hundreds of people, far in the secluded countryside. Their focus was technology and biology and were experimenting with a shrink ray prototype when something went wrong. During a test run, the shrink ray exploded, causing a chain reaction, and the whole community and its surroundings were shrunk down. People were an inch tall, and the wildlife became like miniature toys.
See how it gets the same point across, but in fewer words? Your audience will pay much more attention if it's shorter.

Finally, pay attention to your grammar. For instance...
Maybe this wasn't so bad after all..?
Just put a period. It's just as effective.

I hope this was helpful. Happy writing!
 
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