We are at an "in between fun Christmas" stage of our lives. The boys are 17 1/2 and almost 19. So, too far removed from having adorable little kids and a good 7 - 10 years shy of having grandkids.
After 4 horrible Christmases, this year I have determined to do my best to enjoy it.
2009 - my dad was dying.
2010 - my dad had passed and my mom was drinking
2011 - my mom had just suddenly and unexpectedly passed
2012 - I was still licking my wounds.
2013 - my favourite brother's 17 year marriage has just collapsed.
You see, there will always be a reason to be sad at Christmas, and I have absolutely cried a few times this season, but there are so many rich memories to draw from, to help make it through.
My mom was a Christmas fanatic, and always made Christmas extra special. Not just for her own kids, but for her sister's kids when we were growing up; and then for her grandchildren.
My dad decorated the outside of our house to the extreme when we were little. He was Clark Griswold before there was a Clark Griswold. My mom was in charge of decorating the inside, and finding and purchasing the exact right gifts for her four kids. They spent waaaaay too much money every year, and we ate a lot of Kraft dinner and hot dogs every January as a result, but my mom had a knack of getting everyone the one thing they really, really wanted. When the grandchildren started to come, she stepped it up even further. Her home was transformed to a Christmas Wonderland, and Santa stopped in every Christmas Eve.
Fast forward ....
My dad got sick less than 4 weeks after we got home from Disney in Ocober 2009. We missed our annual 2010 trip because of my dad's passing. He had been sick for 7 months with cancer, and unable to work. My mom also stopped working to care for him, so my husband and I were paying a lot of money to keep them going. After my dad died in May, we took on the full financial responsibility of my mom. We undertook some renovations to our home and she moved in with us in April 2011. She was heart-broken, unwilling to look after herself, and weighed 92 pounds. The first few months that she was with us were not pretty. The details don't matter, but suffice it to say that I was very angry with her. We are a very faithful family. We believe in God and Heaven, and celebrate death, referring to it as "Graduation Day". And for some reason, my mom was not sticking to the script. Anyways, after 3 1/2 months of living with us, she stopped drinking, joined a bereavement group, started eating and showering again, and slowly became Mom/Nana again.
So, 2011 was going to be a Jen/Hubby special trip year. I had just bought a brand new car, so we were going to drive for a change. One week at Disney, and then a side trip on the way back to NC to Chapel Hill. Hubby is a huge Tar Heels fan (even before Michael Jordan), and we had planned a trip to the museum and had game tickets. WDW was booked - 8 days, 7 nights at POR, Keys to the Kingdom tour, free dining ... November 14-21. This was going to be my first time seeing the Osborne lights. No kids. A well deserved break. A leisurely 2 day drive down, leaving on the 12th. On the 5th, the Saturday before, I was out getting everything ready. Went to the library, hand washed and vacuumed my new car, picked up groceries, plus the regular Saturday chores and errands.
My mom had gone to stay with my brother the week before, as he and his wife had split up and he was in complete meltdown. My brother finally tracked me down and said mom wanted me to come over to help her decide if she needed to go to the hospital. She had a really bad pain in her back. At the time he called me, I was with Hubby and Son #2. I spoke to her on the phone and could tell she was in a lot of pain. I told my brother to call an ambulance and after I dropped off my kid, I would meet them at the hospital. But no, they both wanted me to come to the house first. I got there about half an hour later, at which point my brother had just called for an ambulance, which took about 15 minutes to get there, as it was not an emergency. The paramedics assessed her, gave her oxygen, and based on her vitals and pain level, said that she needed to go to the hospital. This was at 6:00 p.m. on Saturday, November 5. She died at 11:00 p.m.
Visitation on the 8th and 9th, funeral on the 10th .... Guess who didn't leave for Disney on the 12th. I phoned my travel agent first thing on the Monday morning, and she handled cancelling everything. Disney credited my MC everything but the initial $200 depisit, which I could have recovered through the cancellation insurance I had purchased, but that task got lost in the shuffle that happens after the passing of a loved one.
So that's Christmas 2011 that stunk. Also, second year in a row, I missed my trip. (Although I did have all the fun of planning, booking, and then cancelling everything.)
2012, Hubby had experienced a career change, and was unable to take time off work to go to WDW. But you go, Jen, he said. And so, I did. I went with my SIL (the one who had left my brother the year before ... but hey, she was my best friend before she even met my brother), her 19 year old daughter, and another brother's 9 year old daughter. We travelled 11/10 - 11/21 (give or take a day, I can't find my trip calendar).
The first night, we saw the Osborne lights, I just stood there and bawled. Not a few, pretty little tears trickling down my cheeks. I mean, bawled. Deep hiccupping, runny nose, look like an idiot, sobbing. And so began the healing, a year later. Christmas without her, still sucked, but I was on my way to letting go of the anger, and the disappointment.
And this year, as I said, I have determined to make the most of it. I put effort into decorating, for the first time in a couple of years. I bought my gifts early, and did the bulk of the wrapping in November, because I hate last minute shopping and wrapping. I have decided to do ham for dinner instead of turkey, as it is so much easier (although twice the price). Both my boys are under one roof for the next few days. I have a husband who loves me more than anything, and three brothers who think I'm pretty special. And I have memories. Memories of the two most wonderful parents. Memories of wonderful childhood Christmases. Memories of my sons' magical first Christmases. And I have hope. Hope that things will continue to get better. Hope that my brothers will have peace and harmony restored in their lives (either with or without their spouse). And hope, that some time in the future, I can make Christmas magic for my grandchildren, and be half the Nana that my mom was.
Sorry for the really long post. I'm sure I'll go back at some point and delete 3/4 of it.
