Planning with divorced parents

[JeffnPa]

Seeking advise, my family wife and 3 kids are planning our 4th trip to WDW. the last time we went 2012, we went with just us, this time the kids have asked if their Grandparents can come along, the issue is they are divorced and have been for 20 +yrs. the real issue is the grandfather is remarried and "she" does not like anything about the grandmother. So we have asked each of them to come along and as you might have guessed they both said yes, I love the fact that they want to be with the kids to enjoy this time, but now the grandfather is upset because he knows this will cause an issue with his current wife, My suggestions were the following;
1. Everyone come and be adults and enjoy the magic that it is.
2. Grandfather and wife come at the beginning of the week and Grandmother at the end of the week.
3. Grandfather come to WDW without his wife.

Not sure how this will play out but anyone that has had to deal with I'd love to hear.

 

[ratherbeinwdw]

Seeking advise, my family wife and 3 kids are planning our 4th trip to WDW. the last time we went 2012, we went with just us, this time the kids have asked if their Grandparents can come along, the issue is they are divorced and have been for 20 +yrs. the real issue is the grandfather is remarried and "she" does not like anything about the grandmother. So we have asked each of them to come along and as you might have guessed they both said yes, I love the fact that they want to be with the kids to enjoy this time, but now the grandfather is upset because he knows this will cause an issue with his current wife, My suggestions were the following;
1. Everyone come and be adults and enjoy the magic that it is.
2. Grandfather and wife come at the beginning of the week and Grandmother at the end of the week.
3. Grandfather come to WDW without his wife.

Not sure how this will play out but anyone that has had to deal with I'd love to hear.

2 is the best solution. Even if they act like adults (1), the resentment will come through to the kids.
My daughter's father always comes with us, but by the third day, being adult is out the window.

 

[bsiev1977]

Sorry your situation is so difficult.
I'm going to maybe be a little blunt, and say the burden of responsibility falls and grandfather and his new wife. She can choose to be mature enough about things in order to spend the time with the kids. Or she can choose to not go on the trip. There is no reason the kids' grandmother should have to miss any time of the trip just because grandfather's new wife doesn't like her.

I think you should have a frank conversation with grandfather and his wife about how you expect things to go. Put it on them about how the trip will go down. Don't let them ruin your kids' special time.

 

[Figgy1]

Prepare for the worst and pray for the best!! I hope everybody can behave like adults the whole time!! Maybe you should set aside special time for each grandparent to have some special time with the kids apart from the other one! If you do make sure it is an equal experience and make sure everybody knows the ground rules in advance!! Time outs aren't only for kids!

 

[Figgy1]

Just another quick thought maybe you can get 2 date nights! One babysits one night and the other another night!

 

[Monty]

My suggestion only works if you honestly are prepared to follow through.

Invite them all on the understanding that the trip is for the kids. If there is any bickering, back-stabbing or otherwise making the trip about anything but enjoying being with the kids, regardless of who may or may not be "at fault" - no future trips will include any of them.

It sounds harsh, but you while you want to include them all, you can't let their priorities rule your children's vacation. I took my ex-Wife on four Disney vacations [at my expense] in order to have a "family" experience for my son. The first three trips went swimmingly but the fourth became more about her and less about him. At that point I had a discussion with him about how he felt about our next trip being a "Boys Only" vacation and he seemed actually relieved, so she never accompanied us again. Although it saved me a lot of money, I was disappointed to lose that "family" experience, but I couldn't let her take all the joy out of it for him again.

 

[JIMINYCR]

2. Grandfather and wife come at the beginning of the week and Grandmother at the end of the week.

Seems like this would be the best of the three suggestions offerred, if it's possible to arrange. Why even take a chance that a blow up will occur that will put a damper on the trip. You already know there's resentment lingering, so why invite trouble. Let the kids enjoy and remember their time with each grandparent as being a positive one. Split the time up and you will not have the anxiety and worry of wondering when is the blow up going to come and have to play referee between the feuding parties.

 

[Thunderstruck]

It sounds like Grandma and Grandpa get along okay, so I would ask Grandpa if his wife would like to come or if it will be too awkward for her. Give people a chance to either surprise you by acting like adults or disappointing you by not.

 

[Ariel484]

My parents have been divorced 20+ years and are both re-married. They are civil enough to one another but I cannot imagine them ever vacationing with us and our future children together, and each doesn't like the other's new spouse (made wedding planning reeeeeally fun a couple of years back ). I'd go with #2 - they don't have to see each other and you don't have to worry about what will happen if they do.

 

[l4dybu6]

My parent are also divorced and re-married. They both can't stand to be in the same room, so a family vacation would be out of the picture. If the grandparents are like that, they won't act like adults (maybe for a day or two, but after then, someone will have had it and get really ed). I would say option 2! Hope everything works out ok

 

[HouCuseChickie]

I'm also leaning towards Option 2. It is hard enough touring WDW with extended family even when everyone gets along, so I just couldn't imagine putting everyone together when you know one person could stir the pot and have things turn ugly. Since this is a known issue, I'm guessing the kids are already used to not seeing one divorced grandparent with the other, so it would be totally in the norm to split their trip time this way too.

 

[luv]

Knowing there was a problem with the grandparents, I'd have told the kids that the grands couldn't go along.

But now that you've invited them and they've accepted, you can't take it back. Not much you can do now.

Stay out of the back and forth and try your best to enjoy yourself...or at least make the best of a bad situation and try to let the kids enjoy themselves.

 

[bethymouse]

We had my parents w/ us 2007 and my husband's Dad and girlfriend just met us for dinner. Awkward though. I'd keep things as separate as possible.

 

[acishere]

Option 2 i the safest and takes care of any issues involving the new wife.

Do not do option 3. Snubbing the new wife is going to result in no grandfather going on the trip.

Option 1 is risky. If you make it clear to not get into anything and ruin the trip, they MAYBE will get along and the thing will go off without a hitch. But, @#$% happens and then escalates quickly in my own family when it comes to situations like this so be prepared for this option to blow up in your face.

 

[Spikerdink]

It's a shame where one person can put a damper on so many other's enjoyment...

As one poster said, it seems unfair to punish Grandma when step granny has her panties in a twist.

Remember that the days your children will get to spend with their Grandparents are finite and why should you limit the time with one that may yield some great memory for the child?

Speak to Grandfather and lay it all out - that this trip is for the kids and you will pack up the wife and send her home if she can't behave. I would also try to discern why the wife has such a problem with Grandma...does she always talk about the new wife in negative terms? Or is it just a jealousy issue? Once you have that information, you may need to talk to Grandma too and have a frank discussion if it is warranted.

In any event, hope the trip is magical for everyone....

 

[Epcot-Rules]

It's a shame where one person can put a damper on so many other's enjoyment...

As one poster said, it seems unfair to punish Grandma when step granny has her panties in a twist.

Remember that the days your children will get to spend with their Grandparents are finite and why should you limit the time with one that may yield some great memory for the child?

Speak to Grandfather and lay it all out - that this trip is for the kids and you will pack up the wife and send her home if she can't behave. I would also try to discern why the wife has such a problem with Grandma...does she always talk about the new wife in negative terms? Or is it just a jealousy issue? Once you have that information, you may need to talk to Grandma too and have a frank discussion if it is warranted.

In any event, hope the trip is magical for everyone....

I agree. You must remember that Grandpa has a new wife. I'm sure he wants everyone to accept her even under such an awkward situation. Grandma needs to come to grips with the fact that he is remarried. I think they could all be adult about the whole situation, but I would have a good talk with all parties involved ahead of the trip so they all understand the boundaries, whats except able and what is not.

 

[BigRedDad]

This is so petty where an adult acts like a child. 20+ years divorced, the new wife has issues? There is a very simple solutions:

Tell the grandfather that he is welcome to come. Tell him his wife is welcome to come. Tell him if his wife creates an issue, drama, or anything else, that both will be asked to leave and never invited again.

All I can say is this is a train wreck from the start if the "new wife" goes. My only recommendation is let them split the trip with #2. Otherwise, your vacation will be ruined.

 

[PolynesianPrincess]

I think option 2 is the best idea. The kids may not notice it being uncomfortable, but the adults will. And no one wants that on a Disney vacation.

My parents have been divorced for over 15 years now and they have only been in the same room as one another since then a handful of times (my dance recitals, graduations, etc..) and they stayed FAR away from each other. My Mom's side of the family is pretty civil about it and my aunts even ask about my dad and his family from time to time. My dad's side of the family is another story. My grandmother HATES my mother and any part of her family. It's really silly if you ask me. But a similar situation is that my Mom's step-father remarried after he divorced my grandmother. He and his wife have no issue with my grandmother, but she likes to take cheap jabs at them all the time. She hates when her and his kids (my 2 aunts) go to visit him. I think it's just resentment that he is happy and married again and she is still single and (for the most part) a pretty miserable person. I love my grandmother to pieces but I think she is bitter about the whole divorce.

I'm not getting married anytime soon but I have thought about my wedding and what I would do: Do I invite both parents and families? Do I invite my Mom and her side of the family since I know they are the most civil and I am closer with them? I think I've narrowed it down to saying "If you can't be civil, don't come. And if you do come and I hear any of you have caused ANY sort of problems, said something mean or uncalled for to anyone else I will have absolutely NO issue kicking you out of my wedding. Period" lol

 

[Ariel484]

I'm not getting married anytime soon but I have thought about my wedding and what I would do: Do I invite both parents and families? Do I invite my Mom and her side of the family since I know they are the most civil and I am closer with them? I think I've narrowed it down to saying "If you can't be civil, don't come. And if you do come and I hear any of you have caused ANY sort of problems, said something mean or uncalled for to anyone else I will have absolutely NO issue kicking you out of my wedding. Period" lol

I went one step further than that with my wedding. I didn't want to invite either of my parents' new spouses but that wasn't an option, so I had a chat with both my mom and dad separately and said, and I quote: "If something happens and any of you mess up my wedding, I will never speak to you again...pass along the message accordingly" Sounds dramatic but with all the other crap I had to think about when planning the wedding, the last thing I wanted to worry about was whether my mom and step-mom were going to come to blows during the best man's toast. How everyone would get along was by far my biggest worry leading up to the wedding. My mom totally understood where I was coming from (my now ex-stepfather was my biggest concern)...my dad was pretty shocked that I said that to him and was like, "Of course we wouldn't do anything" like it had never even crossed his mind. As far as I know everyone behaved themselves. /overshare

But that's different than a Disney trip. It's one thing to be there for a few hours and have assigned seating (I assigned tables at dinner and made sure they were seated on opposite ends of the room, etc.)...it's another entirely to VACATION together. It's unfortunate because I'm sure all the grandparents would love to spend as much time as possible with the kids, but I agree with Darolyn - the kids may not notice any issues, but YOU and your parents will...and it's your vacation and theirs (the grandparents) too. It just seems like it will cause lots of unnecessary stress to have everyone there at the same time.

Stating the obvious - having divorced parents sucks. Good luck...I hope you can work something out.

 

[JeffnPa]

Well I wanted to thank everyone for their feedback, all were very good!! To update everyone on the what occurred, We have reached an agreement that will please all. The Grandmother will be coming to WDW with us in May, we will be staying at BC in a villa. The Grandfather has offered to take the family on a WDW cruise next year! So it appears that everyone will get "their" vacation time they wanted with the kids.