From: Ken Rice
I was a military policeman stationed in Germany. My partner, "Pelican," and I went out on patrol in our trusty VW van. We were shooting the breeze when he turned his head to spit out the gallon (hence the odd nickname "pelican") of tobacco juice he had stored in his mouth. The only thing was that he forgot the window was rolled up. Well, I laughed so hard I forgot to watch the road. Pelican shouts, "Look out for the dog!"
There on the road, a scant 30 yards ahead, was the most beautiful German shepherd that I had ever seen. Not wanting to (A) hit the dog, or (B) wash the van afterward, I panicked and slammed on the brakes. We did a 180¡ right around the dog! As we traveled backwards down the road at about 50 mph, I saw the dog sigh with relief and dash off into the woods. Only then did I realize we were sliding backwards down a two-lane road! I slammed on the breaks again. Only this time it induced a 360 degree spin down the road, and we jumped a ditch, hit a row of trees broadside and were thrown back onto the highway, with the van coming to rest on the driver's side. Every window was broken, except one. The window that Pelican had spit on was now above us, with the juices slowly dripping down on us as if basting a turkey. Pelican, hanging upside down in his seat belt, with a drop of juice running down his nose, looked at me and said, "Aren't you glad you missed the dog?"
*****
From: Bob
Circa 1957: My brother Jess and I were rough housing as usual one Christmas Eve, at our grandmother's house. Well, my dad had had just about enough of us for one evening and it was about time to go home. He told us to go sit in the car and be good, 'til mom and he were done visiting.
We were in the car with nothing to do. We were cold, so we got out of the car, went into the garage and found some matches, an old coffee can and some gasoline.
We then proceeded to put a small amount of gas into the coffee can and dropped a match in. With the coffee can in hand, we made our way into the car.
Once inside, we sat it on the floorboard and proceeded to watch it burn and we stayed warm.
Before long, we got bored and began rough housing again. My brother's coat accidentally fell against the can and knocked it over.
That's when the fire started.
We got out of the car in lightning speed and neither of us wanted to go in and get Dad to tell him his car was on fire. About that time, the car started moving forward toward the garage. We were told later that the ignition wires had shorted and engaged the starter. It stopped just inside the garage, and then the car caught on fire.
About that time the firemen got there, so we didn't have to tell Dad after all.
We rode home in a cab. Dad didn't say a word all the way home. He got out of the cab -- didn't wait for any of us, including Mom. He went into the house, grabbed the Christmas tree, and made another fire in the trash can out back.
I wish now that I was making this up. All the relatives laugh uncontrollably, every time someone brings this story up. Dad never did.
I was a military policeman stationed in Germany. My partner, "Pelican," and I went out on patrol in our trusty VW van. We were shooting the breeze when he turned his head to spit out the gallon (hence the odd nickname "pelican") of tobacco juice he had stored in his mouth. The only thing was that he forgot the window was rolled up. Well, I laughed so hard I forgot to watch the road. Pelican shouts, "Look out for the dog!"
There on the road, a scant 30 yards ahead, was the most beautiful German shepherd that I had ever seen. Not wanting to (A) hit the dog, or (B) wash the van afterward, I panicked and slammed on the brakes. We did a 180¡ right around the dog! As we traveled backwards down the road at about 50 mph, I saw the dog sigh with relief and dash off into the woods. Only then did I realize we were sliding backwards down a two-lane road! I slammed on the breaks again. Only this time it induced a 360 degree spin down the road, and we jumped a ditch, hit a row of trees broadside and were thrown back onto the highway, with the van coming to rest on the driver's side. Every window was broken, except one. The window that Pelican had spit on was now above us, with the juices slowly dripping down on us as if basting a turkey. Pelican, hanging upside down in his seat belt, with a drop of juice running down his nose, looked at me and said, "Aren't you glad you missed the dog?"
*****
From: Bob
Circa 1957: My brother Jess and I were rough housing as usual one Christmas Eve, at our grandmother's house. Well, my dad had had just about enough of us for one evening and it was about time to go home. He told us to go sit in the car and be good, 'til mom and he were done visiting.
We were in the car with nothing to do. We were cold, so we got out of the car, went into the garage and found some matches, an old coffee can and some gasoline.
We then proceeded to put a small amount of gas into the coffee can and dropped a match in. With the coffee can in hand, we made our way into the car.
Once inside, we sat it on the floorboard and proceeded to watch it burn and we stayed warm.
Before long, we got bored and began rough housing again. My brother's coat accidentally fell against the can and knocked it over.
That's when the fire started.
We got out of the car in lightning speed and neither of us wanted to go in and get Dad to tell him his car was on fire. About that time, the car started moving forward toward the garage. We were told later that the ignition wires had shorted and engaged the starter. It stopped just inside the garage, and then the car caught on fire.
About that time the firemen got there, so we didn't have to tell Dad after all.
We rode home in a cab. Dad didn't say a word all the way home. He got out of the cab -- didn't wait for any of us, including Mom. He went into the house, grabbed the Christmas tree, and made another fire in the trash can out back.
I wish now that I was making this up. All the relatives laugh uncontrollably, every time someone brings this story up. Dad never did.