Comcast's wish upon a star: Philly World
By David Hiltbrand
Inquirer Staff Writer
This is D-Day, time for the fractious Walt Disney Co. shareholders' meeting. Or as they're referring to it in the Magic Kingdom, Freaky Wednesday.
The summit, with the fate of company chairman Michael Eisner at stake, takes place at the Convention Center, which is a short walk from Comcast headquarters, by coincidence - or is that kismet? After all, a shotgun wedding between Philly's cable tiger and Hollywood's lion king is still a distinct possibility.
Obviously, such a merger would create a whole new corporate and cultural climate in Philadelphia. Here are a few ways the city might change:
The Walt Whitman and Ben Franklin Bridges get sparkling new black-and-white paint jobs and are rechristened, respectively, the Mickey and the Minnie. The face-lifts and new names do nothing for the usual traffic snarls, but tolls are tripled.
The edifices on Boathouse Row are decked out in skull-and-crossbones flags as the landmark is transformed into a new theme ride: Pirates of the Schuylkill. The familiar cries of "Row, row, row" are replaced with "Yo ho ho!"
In a big shake-up at Disney-owned ABC, Barbara Walters is forcibly retired. Taking her place is Suzanne Roberts, host of CN8's Seeking Solutions With Suzanne and, it so happens, mother of Comcast boss Brian Roberts. In her first day on The View, she announces that, in keeping with the new management policy of austerity, she is cutting back on the hair-coloring budget for Meredith Vieira.
Howard Eskin drives up to Connecticut - getting four speeding tickets en route - to lay siege to ESPN, the sports channel owned by Disney. The staffers hold out until Eskin threatens to parade in front of the building in his gym shorts. They quickly surrender.
Eskin's first act as channel chief: changing the call letters to ESKN. Second act: canceling the popular talk show Pardon the Interruption, explaining, "From now on, we do things Philly-style. When someone disagrees with you, you hang up on the idiot! Interruptions are pathetic!"
Seeking to rectify a local public-relations nightmare, the new corporate masters anxiously dispatch an army of workers to refit the notorious lot at Eighth and Market that was to have been the site of DisneyQuest. The sides of the so-called Disney Hole are lined with plastic slides, and a wading pool is installed at the bottom. Two days later, ABC star Jim (My Wife and Kids) Belushi is flown in to cut the ribbon on the grand opening of Splash Chasm.
In an effort to upgrade our civic image, Police Commissioner Sylvester Johnson announces that henceforth his weekly security sweeps of Mayor Street's office will be referred to as Cinderella Safaris and that any listening devices uncovered will be designated Love Bugs.
Trying to inject local color into its prime-time schedule, ABC presents the star of its next installment of The Bachelor: Sixers president Billy King. This sparks a protest from Philly expatriate John Bolaris. At a news conference, the diminutive weather hunk grouses, "That Bachelor gig should have been mine! The only reason I moved to New York in the first place is because my agent told me this was the media capital."
The Mummers Parade is refashioned the Muppets Parade. A Disney representative announces, "We are fully aware that this is a cherished Philadelphia tradition, and we want to assure everyone that, other than the playful name change, we have no plans to alter the style or substance of the parade in any fashion." A separate release states that due to weather considerations, the parade will be moved from New Year's to July 4, all fancy brigades will be replaced with Disney characters, and admission to the parade will now be $10 a head.
The merger is briefly held up as Comcast struggles to explain several multimillion-dollar write-offs entered on its books as contributions to a certain South Philadelphia neighborhood-improvement fund. Disney accountants dub the unusual audit Finding Fumo.
ABC announces that from now on, at the conclusion of all major sporting events carried on the network, the winner or MVP of the contest will be required, before leaving the field, to smile at the camera and shout, "I'm going to Philadelphia!"
By David Hiltbrand
Inquirer Staff Writer
This is D-Day, time for the fractious Walt Disney Co. shareholders' meeting. Or as they're referring to it in the Magic Kingdom, Freaky Wednesday.
The summit, with the fate of company chairman Michael Eisner at stake, takes place at the Convention Center, which is a short walk from Comcast headquarters, by coincidence - or is that kismet? After all, a shotgun wedding between Philly's cable tiger and Hollywood's lion king is still a distinct possibility.
Obviously, such a merger would create a whole new corporate and cultural climate in Philadelphia. Here are a few ways the city might change:
The Walt Whitman and Ben Franklin Bridges get sparkling new black-and-white paint jobs and are rechristened, respectively, the Mickey and the Minnie. The face-lifts and new names do nothing for the usual traffic snarls, but tolls are tripled.
The edifices on Boathouse Row are decked out in skull-and-crossbones flags as the landmark is transformed into a new theme ride: Pirates of the Schuylkill. The familiar cries of "Row, row, row" are replaced with "Yo ho ho!"
In a big shake-up at Disney-owned ABC, Barbara Walters is forcibly retired. Taking her place is Suzanne Roberts, host of CN8's Seeking Solutions With Suzanne and, it so happens, mother of Comcast boss Brian Roberts. In her first day on The View, she announces that, in keeping with the new management policy of austerity, she is cutting back on the hair-coloring budget for Meredith Vieira.
Howard Eskin drives up to Connecticut - getting four speeding tickets en route - to lay siege to ESPN, the sports channel owned by Disney. The staffers hold out until Eskin threatens to parade in front of the building in his gym shorts. They quickly surrender.
Eskin's first act as channel chief: changing the call letters to ESKN. Second act: canceling the popular talk show Pardon the Interruption, explaining, "From now on, we do things Philly-style. When someone disagrees with you, you hang up on the idiot! Interruptions are pathetic!"
Seeking to rectify a local public-relations nightmare, the new corporate masters anxiously dispatch an army of workers to refit the notorious lot at Eighth and Market that was to have been the site of DisneyQuest. The sides of the so-called Disney Hole are lined with plastic slides, and a wading pool is installed at the bottom. Two days later, ABC star Jim (My Wife and Kids) Belushi is flown in to cut the ribbon on the grand opening of Splash Chasm.
In an effort to upgrade our civic image, Police Commissioner Sylvester Johnson announces that henceforth his weekly security sweeps of Mayor Street's office will be referred to as Cinderella Safaris and that any listening devices uncovered will be designated Love Bugs.
Trying to inject local color into its prime-time schedule, ABC presents the star of its next installment of The Bachelor: Sixers president Billy King. This sparks a protest from Philly expatriate John Bolaris. At a news conference, the diminutive weather hunk grouses, "That Bachelor gig should have been mine! The only reason I moved to New York in the first place is because my agent told me this was the media capital."
The Mummers Parade is refashioned the Muppets Parade. A Disney representative announces, "We are fully aware that this is a cherished Philadelphia tradition, and we want to assure everyone that, other than the playful name change, we have no plans to alter the style or substance of the parade in any fashion." A separate release states that due to weather considerations, the parade will be moved from New Year's to July 4, all fancy brigades will be replaced with Disney characters, and admission to the parade will now be $10 a head.
The merger is briefly held up as Comcast struggles to explain several multimillion-dollar write-offs entered on its books as contributions to a certain South Philadelphia neighborhood-improvement fund. Disney accountants dub the unusual audit Finding Fumo.
ABC announces that from now on, at the conclusion of all major sporting events carried on the network, the winner or MVP of the contest will be required, before leaving the field, to smile at the camera and shout, "I'm going to Philadelphia!"
