Jokes (try to keep them clean)

[Kingdom Konsultant]

15 Things to do at Wal-Mart while your spouse is taking his/her sweet time:

1. Pick up condom packages & randomly put them in peoples carts when they
aren't looking.

2. Set all the alarm clocks in housewares to go off at 5 minute intervals.

3. Make a trail of tomato juice on the floor to the rest rooms.

4. Walk up to an employee and tell him/her in an official tone, 'Code 3 in
housewares,'...and see what happens.

5. Go to the Service Desk and ask to put a bag of M&M's on lay away.

6. Move a 'CAUTION - WET FLOOR' sign to a carpeted area.

7. Set up a tent in the camping department and tell other shoppers you'll
only invite them in if they bring pillows from the bedding department!

8. When a clerk asks if they can help you, begin to cry and ask 'Why can't
you people just leave me alone?

9. Look right into the security camera and use it as a mirror while you pick
your nose.

10. While handling guns in the hunting department ask the clerk if he knows
where the antidepressants are.

11. Dart around the store suspiciously while loudly humming the theme from
'Mission Impossible.'

12. In the auto department practice your Madonna look using different size
funnels.

13. Hide in the clothing rack and when people browse through say 'PICK ME!
PICK ME!!!!!!'

14. When an announcement comes over the loud speaker assume the fetal
position and scream 'NO! It's those voices again.' !

and last but not least,

15. Go into a fitting room and yell real loud! We're out of toilet paper in
here!'.

 

[Kingdom Konsultant]

A mild-mannered man was tired of being bossed around by his wife; so he went to a psychiatrist. The psychiatrist said he needed to
build his self-esteem, and so gave him a book on assertiveness, which he read on the way home. He had finished the book by the
time he reached his house.

The man stormed into the house and walked up to his wife. Pointing a finger in her face, he said, "From now on, I want you to know
that 'I' am the man of this house, and my word is law! I want you to prepare me a gourmet meal tonight, and when I'm finished eating
my meal, I expect a sumptuous dessert afterward. Then, after dinner, you're going to draw me my bath so I can relax. And when I'm
finished with my bath, guess who's going to dress me and comb my hair?"

"The funeral director," said his wife.

 

[Buford]

I thought you said keep them clean! :lol:

A man is very ill, and he is taken into the doctor's office. His wife enters the office, and the man is sent to the waiting room.

The doctor says, "Well, your husband is very ill. You will be able to keep him healthy and happy if you can make him fresh soup for lunch and dinner. If you stay by his side and watch his favorite television shows with him, that will help. If you take his pressure at least 5 times a day, this will help you keep track of him. You must also give him pills nightly, call the hospital with reports twice a day, and stay with his side of the family."

The woman leaves the office.

Her husband asks, "Well?"
The wife replies, "He says you're going to die."

 

[Kingdom Konsultant]

Good one :lol: :lol:

Pam

 

[Blizz]

LOL, they are good.

Oh and my friend who works at wal-mart told me that a code 3 is a break, a code 60 is what you want (thats ___ between customes in a public area)

 

[FantasiaBish]

Two Guys walked into a bar.....

























































You would have thought the second one would have ducked.

 

[jaylenofan86]

One day at a busy airport, the passengers on a commercial airliner were seated, waiting for the cockpit crew to show up so they could get under way. The pilot and copilot finally appear in the rear of the plane, and begin walking up to the cockpit through the center aisle. Both appear to be blind. The pilot is using a white cane, bumping into passengers right and left as he stumbles down the aisle, and the copilot is using a guide dog. Both have their eyes covered with huge sunglasses.

At first the passengers do not react; thinking that it must be some sort of practical joke. However, after a few minutes the engines start revving and the airplane starts moving down the runway. The passengers look at each other with some uneasiness, whispering among themselves and looking desperately to the stewardesses for reassurance.

Then, the airplane starts accelerating rapidly and people begin panicking. Some passengers are praying, and as the plane gets closer and closer to the end of the runway, the voices are becoming more and more hysterical. Finally, when the airplane has less than 20 feet of runway left, there is a sudden change in the pitch of the shouts as everyone screams at once, and at the very last moment the airplane lifts off and is airborne.

Up in the cockpit, the copilot breathes a sigh of relief and turns to the pilot, “You know, one of these days the passengers aren't going to scream, and we're gonna get killed!”

 

[jaylenofan86]

Never let it be said that ground crews and engineers of Qantas lack a sense of humor. Here are some logged maintenance complaints by Qantas pilots and the corrective action recorded by mechanics. By the way, Qantas is the only major airline that has never had an accident. P stands for the problem the pilots entered in the log, and S stands for the corrective action taken by the mechanics.

P: Left inside main tire almost needs replacement.

S: Almost replaced left inside main tire

P: Test flight OK, except autoland very rough.

S: Autoland not installed on this aircraft.

P: Something loose in cockpit.

S: Something tightened in cockpit.

P: Dead bugs on windshield.

S: Live bugs on backorder.

P: Autopilot in altitude-hold mode produces a 200-fpm descent.

S: Cannot reproduce problem on ground.

P: Evidence of leak on right main landing gear.

S: Evidence removed.

P: DME volume unbelievably loud.

S: DME volume set to more believable level.

P: Friction locks cause throttle levers to stick.

S: That's what they're there for.

P: IFF inoperative.

S: IFF always inoperative in OFF mode.

P: Suspected crack in windscreen.

S: Suspect you're right.

P: Number 3 engine missing. (note: this was for a piston-engine airplane; the pilot meant the engine was not running smoothly)

S: Engine found on right wing after brief search.

P: Aircraft handles funny.

S: Aircraft warned to straighten up, fly right, and be serious.

P: Radar hums.

S: Reprogrammed radar with words.

P: Mouse in cockpit.

S: Cat installed

 

[jaylenofan86]

Sven and Olie chartered a plane with a pilot to drop them off in the wilds of Alaska for a week of elk hunting, just the same as they did the year before. When the pilot returned with the plane Sven exclaimed joyfully to the pilot, “We had a great hunting trip! We bagged four elk!”

The pilot regretfully explained, “Unfortunately, our plane can only fly with the weight of two elk. You'll have to leave the other two behind.”

Sven and Olie were both infuriated and insistent. “We won't allow you to fly this plane out without all four elk,” Olie demanded.

The eager to please pilot relented and the plane took off with the three of them and their four elk. About fifteen minutes into the flight the engine started to sputter, and within seconds they were hurtling to the ground. Wearily arising from the wreckage, Sven looked at Olie and wheezed, “Do you have any idea where we are?”

Olie, quite pleased with himself, replied, “Yes! We're about a mile from where we crashed last year.”

 

[jaylenofan86]

Santa Claus, like all pilots, gets regular visits from the Federal Aviation Administration. The FAA examiner arrived for the pre-Christmas flight check. In preparation, Santa had the elves wash the sled and bathe all the reindeer. Santa got his logbook out and made sure all his paperwork was in order. He knew they would examine all his equipment and put his flying skills to the test.

The examiner walked slowly around the sled. He checked the reindeer harnesses, the landing gear, and Rudolf's nose. He painstakingly reviewed Santa's weight and balance calculations for sled's enormous payload. Finally, they were ready for the checkride. Santa got in and fastened his seatbelt and shoulder harness and checked the compass. Then the examiner hopped in carrying, to Santa's surprise, a shotgun.

“What's that for?” asked Santa incredulously.

The examiner winked and said, “I'm not supposed to tell you this ahead of time,” as he leaned over to whisper in Santa's ear, “but you're gonna lose an engine on takeoff.”

 

[jaylenofan86]

Pilot wisdom:

Flying is hours of boredom, punctuated by moments of stark terror.

Truly superior pilots are those who use their superior judgment to avoid those situations where they might have to use their superior skills.

Rule one: No matter what else happens, fly the airplane.

The propellor is just a big fan in the front of the plane to keep the pilot cool. Want proof? Make it stop; then watch the pilot break out into a sweat.

No one has ever collided with the sky.

If you're ever faced with a forced landing at night, turn on the landing lights to see the landing area. If you don't like what you see, turn 'em back off.

Never let an airplane take you somewhere you brain didn't get to five minutes earlier.

If you push the stick forward, the houses get bigger, if you pull the stick back they get smaller.

Every one already knows the definition of a good landing is one from which you can walk away. But very few know the definition of a great landing. It's one after which you can use the airplane another time.

Helicopters can't really fly — they're just so ugly that the earth immediately repels them.

Sorry folks for the hard landing. It wasn't the pilot's fault, and it wasn't the plane's fault. It was the asphault.

What's the difference between God and pilots? God doesn't think he's a pilot.

Airspeed, altitude, or brains; you always need at least two.

There are three simple rules for making a smooth landing: Unfortunately, no one knows what they are.

Flying is not dangerous; crashing is dangerous.

Jet and piston engines work on the same principle: Suck and squeeze, blow and go.

The three most dangerous things in aviation are a doctor in a Bonanza, two captains in a DC-9, and a flight attendant with a chipped tooth.

What do you call a pregnant flight attendant? Pilot error.

 

[jaylenofan86]

Things You Don't Want to Hear on an Airplane

1. On an ocean crossing flight: “This is your Captain speaking, I just wanted to take this time to remind you that your seat cushions can be used as floatation devices...”

2. “Hey folks, we're going to play a little game of geography trivia. If you can recognize where we are, tell your flight attendant and receive an extra pack of peanuts.”

3. “Our sudden loss of altitude allows a unique close up perspective of the local terrain. I assure you that it's all part of our airlines new commitment to make your flight a sight seeing expedition.”

4. “Goose! Bogey at 2 O'clock ... He's hot on our tail! ... Eject! Eject!”

5. As the plane turns around right after takeoff: “... uhhhhh ... We have to go back. ... We... We... uhhhhhh ...forgot something...”

6. “Ummmmmm ... Sorry everybody ...” (silence)

7. “To the passengers on the right-hand side of the plane, I'm sure you've noticed the loss of an engine, however the reduction in weight and drag will mean we'll be flying much more efficiently now.”

8. “Fasten your seat belts!” (Spoken in the same tone your friend with suicidal driving tendencies uses when you get in a car.)

9. “This is your Captain speaking, these damn planes are a lot different than the ships I'm used to... so please give me some leeway if this flight doesn't go to well.”

10. “It would be a good idea right now if everyone would close their shades and watch the in-flight movie.”

11. “We've now reached our cruising altitude of 20,000 feet and... Damn!”

12. “Aww, I can't figure out how to turn this thing off and don't worry, that gauge is always on 'E'.”

13. “Stewardess would you please bring four parachutes to the front cabin.”

14. From the stewardess after placing a drink order: “Okay, this man wants a soda and we need three martinis for the cockpit.”

15. “Hey, why don't you tell that new stewardess she can come sit on my lap and fly the plane.”

16. Thank you very much for choosing Mandarin Airlines. We're now about taking off at Hong Kong Chek Lap Kok. At your right side you can see the beautiful ocean. In front you can watch the in-flight movie. At your left side... um... please don't look at your left!

And I'm done!

 

[Mitzer]

Not really a joke, but just as cute...

My husbands' other choice for wife...I think they dated in 8th grade...Sorry hunny for spilling the beans! :lol: