And now, let us explore Frontierland's biggest claim to fame...
The crown jewel of Frontierland, Western River Expedition remains Marc Davis’ greatest achievement in his long career with Disney. One of the defining attractions of the Magic Kingdom, this epic Western adventure has delighted guests ever since it debuted as part of the Magic Kingdom’s Bicentennial Celebration in 1976. And now, almost 50 years later, it still puts smiles on everyone’s face! Well, enough jabberin’, let’s find out why this ride’s a classic!
At 130 feet in height, Thunder Mesa is one impressionable piece of nature, and can be seen from various vantage points throughout the Magic Kingdom. Thunder Mesa is a marvel unto itself - a towering, ever-present, landmark mountain range of rusted hoodoos, arches, and waterfalls topped with distant dwarf evergreens, the miniature huts of Plains Indians, and a complete frontier town nestled along its base. Not far from this small frontier township is an enormous ore elevator, our suited entrance into the attraction and into the base of the towering mountain itself. We enter a mine shaft at the base of the elevator and proceed through a series of long-abandoned, underground mining tunnels. We make our way through the shadowy bowels of Thunder Mesa Mountain past rusted ore cars, arsenals, excavation equipment, and the long-forgotten tracks of a former mining operation.
Passing through the subterranean passageways of the Thunder Mesa Mining Operation, we emerge from the darkness in the leftmost show building -- there are three major show buildings used in the ride -- and into a romantic, technicolor sunset cast down upon the orange hoodoos and lush waterfalls of a desert canyon. Crossing over a natural arch, we look down and see a line of boats that will soon take us on our journey, some returning to the load area, others now loading and departing. The air is cool and the sunset is brilliant, with hues of pink, orange, red, and blue. A few fluffy clouds, a la Toy Story, float across the romantic sky. Coyotes can be heard howling in the distance, along with the soothing sound of early evening crickets and the occasional rattlesnake. The ride’s theme song, “The Ballad of Thunder Mesa” (a variation on “The Ballad of Pecos Bill”) plays in the style of a Hollywood Western as our trail climbs down the walls of the canyon and into the loading area amid trees and brush typical of the American Southwest. The canyon’s waterfalls cascade down into trickling streams splashing alongside the load area.
We’ll make our journey aboard an old, six-row boat -- the same kind of watercraft used in Pirates of the Caribbean and “it’s a small world.” Like with Pirates, this boat is designed to look like wood, but here, there’s a far more rustic tone about it -- almost as if the wood has been salvaged from a scrapyard. Furthermore, each boat is christened with a name that reflects a Western hero (i;e Pecos Bill, Annie Oakley, Davy Crockett, etc.). As we board, we hear the voice of our narrator, a wise old owl named Hoot Gibson (voiced by Disney legend Dallas McKennon), giving the safety spiel: “Hooo! Hooo! Howdy, everybody! Heading for a cruise ‘round the riverbend, are we? Well then, for your safety, please stay seated and keep your hands, arms, feet, and legs inside the rowboat, and please watch your young’uns. Oh, and be sure to stow your personal belongin’s away. There’s bandits ‘round these parts. Enjoy the frontier now, ya hear?”
Our boat pulls away from the canyon and glides through a picturesque landscape under the perfect soft, summer sunset, bathed in warmth and scored by the music of nature itself. An encampment of Plains Indians sits just off to the left, the remnants of a campfire smoking heavenward. Though Native Americans are not visible, we can hear a Shaman inside one of the tepees, spinning a tale for his grandchildren through music and chanting. Further left is the infinite horizon of the American West, a verdant landscape dotted by literal purple mountains and fruited plains.
Our boat rolls deeper into the wilderness, straight ahead to the mouth of a great cave in the base of a rocky mountainside. The Devil’s Paint Pots, an elusive, desert mystery, bubble in all kinds of colors before the entrance to the cave. With the colorful mud bubbling and popping to the tune of the music, we enter the cave and into a long, dimly lit cavern.
We drift into a cavernous grotto dimly illuminated by the sunset spilling into the catacombs from the surface above. Hundreds of stalactites and stalagmites surround us, with only the dripping of water as company. Then, the eerie melody of rhythmic drums. We first see a stalactite shaped like a rabbit. From inside the “rabbit,” the drums begin to play. We glide past more stalactites in the shape of familiar Old West figures -- a coyote, a cowboy, an old man. From inside each stalactite, the music gets louder, until the entire cavern is filled with the ethereal music, and more familiar shapes overwhelm the whimsical rock-work.
Sitting atop the cowboy is Hoot Gibson himself. Like the skull of Pirates, he gives us a little introduction to the adventures ahead: “Hooo! Hooo! Roamin’ the ol’ frontier, are ya? No better place for a good adventure if you ask me. Some of the best adventures happen right here in the west, and nights like these remind me of the good ol’ days of cowboys and pioneers…”
We slip outdoors and gently roll through a warm desert at dusk. The “Ballad of Thunder Mesa” continues from the ethereal music of the caverns, though this time in the vein of a melodramatic, minor key score to a silent film. Above our wagon and off to the left, a railroad track runs on a rocky bluff - an authentic steam train rumbles past, the Walt Disney World Railroad passing through. If the passengers aboard the Walt Disney World Railroad were to look out across this simulated desert, their view would be our next sight: a true-to-form stagecoach robbery on an overhead trestle.
Oh, and incidentally, across the way is another diorama, depicting the four seasons -- and involving various bears getting involved in humorous situations regarding those seasons. Given that the seats on the Walt Disney World Railroad trains are situated in the middle of each car, and not off to the side, Marc Davis decided to take advantage of it and create two distinct dioramas on either side.
Masked bandits on masked horses, complete with their own variation on the theme song, seem too occupied with their latest crime to bother us - though, the leader, a menacing fellow in a top hat, suggests through song we’ll meet again. The sinister leader rides on the back of a masked grizzly bear.
Not wanting any trouble, our boat picks up speed, darting under the stagecoach trestle and hastily dipping over a number of rolling “sand dunes” and hairpin turns around cacti and rocks. Our boat slows to a leisurely pace as we continue into a desert prairie at twilight, in awe at the fluffy clouds floating across the endless, night sky, and distant rock formations silhouetted against the twinkling stars and silhouettes of howling coyotes on the horizon.
A family of buffalo gather around a group of prairie dogs popping in and out of their burrows; the visible, distant coyotes howl; the underscore music swells from “The Ballad of Thunder Mesa” to a different and more sentimental tune: “Home on the Range.” Nearby, a cowboy sings to calm his musical, bellowing cattle under the soft moonlight. Even his lanky horse joins in the song.
A chuck wagon parked along the trail serves as a base camp for the cowboy’s comrades, whose guitar and harmonica playing around a campfire join the arrangement of “Home on the Range” as the wide-eyed cook sings along. Of course, all the cowpokes are joined by an entire chorus of singing cacti…
(52:04 -- 54:41)
The placid strumming of “Home on the Range” transitions into a honky tonk piano arrangement of “The Ballad of Thunder Mesa.” Raucous shouting, gunfire, and general “yippin’” and “hollerin’” has filled the air. Rounding the corner from the prairie, we ride onward and into the little pioneer town of Dry Gulch. Hoot Gibson, now wearing a cowboy hat, appears on a tree branch as we pass into town. “Ah, Dry Gulch. This is the place where the miners went to spend their newfound fortunes. Every night was like a wild hoedown, and greed and depravity ruled the land...”
It’s a Saturday night in Dry Gulch, and the technicolor streets are alive with revelry. The influence and intense color stylization of Mary Blair is perhaps most evident in Dry Gulch. The right side of the town is bathed in bright, blue moonlight, with the various buildings standing out against the hue in shades of green clapboard and yellow windows, whereas the left side of the town is bathed in fiery, burning red, courtesy of the setting sun, with impossibly long shadows cast by the warmly-lit buildings. On either side of town, towering canyon walls loom beneath the vast expanse of the evening sky. Our wagon travels through town at a comfortable pace, not excluding the opportunity to catch a gag on either side of this chaotic, masterclass scene in Marc Davis design.
-- Right Side --
A trio of dance hall girls sing “The Ballad of Thunder Mesa,” performing cancan kicks, cheered on by cowboys. A drunkard on horseback (his horse also drunk) is about ready to topple over, while his fellow drunk, another horseback cowpoke, has somehow managed to get his horse onto the roof of “Big Jack’s Saloon,” firing his six-shooters into the air. Most townspeople look on with general distaste, one woman covering her child’s ears, while the saloon’s bartender wags his fist and shouts insults at the rooftop deviant … but that’s nothing compared to the insults of the seemingly sweet little old lady!
Not far from the chaos, an old-time photographer snaps a photo of a smiling cowpoke with his arm wrapped around a stuffed bear (only 10 cents!). More chaos ensues outside the “Diamondback Lounge” next door, where the house pianist has been wheeled outside to underscore the mayhem. A showgirl on the front porch has kicked her leg so high that it’s snagged the shirt collar of a cowboy now hoisted in the air and struggling to get back down. The nearby cowpokes, one in which rides on the shoulders of another, sing, laugh, and toast their moonshine to the sight. In a subtle nod to Pirates of the Caribbean, the silhouette of a cowboy chasing a showgirl can be seen in the upstairs window, though both seem to be enjoying the chase, as both giggle and shout playful taunts of “I’m gonna getcha” back and forth.
Surrounded by tall torches, a Snake Oil Salesman, the mustached “Doc Edwards,” has established his wagon-shop at the end of the right side of the street, showcasing his wares with the help of a grinning muscleman, with music provided by a grizzled prospector and a gangly woman on banjo and flute. Doc Edwards has reeled in an audience - ourselves, two children, and a quartet of pigs.
-- Left Side --
The left side of Dry Gulch, with sight gags and scenes happening concurrently with the right side, is awash in the brilliant red color of the setting sun, with your typical Western bank robbery and shootout well underway. The sheriff’s deputy and his horse, both asleep, have failed to notice the underground tunneling trailing below them from the nearby jailhouse. The jailhouse, of course, has a changeable sign that reads “NO VACANCY.” Fearsome robbers have looted the local bank, having even pulled an entire safe out to use as a shield, firing Colt 45s from their varied hiding places. Nervous soldiers of the United States cavalry answer back from the windows of a bathhouse. The sheriff, clad in shaving cream and a polka-dot apron, has emerged from the tonsorial parlor, returning fire. A Calamity Jane-style deputy takes her time deciding on which target to aim at first, while cowpoke minstrels sing that titular “Ballad of Thunder Mesa,” all whilst avoiding the rampant gunfire. And, at the end of the street, a grinning mortician (with advertised “24 hour service”) fiddles with his favorite measuring tape, sizing up his potential clients for the foreseeable future.
And by the way, if’n you’re curious about how “The Ballad of Thunder Mesa” sounds ‘round these parts, here are the lyrics…
As we depart from the town of Dry Gulch, we pass under a bridge, currently occupied by a hollerin’ cowpoke firing his six-shooters, and a rather disgruntled Native American man covering his ears in disapproval.
The sound of bullets and music is soon replaced by the caw of a lonesome crow. Vultures circle overhead, with two vultures already having perched on a gnarled tree branch to watch our boat with eager eyes. The water becomes a bit treacherous as our boat starts to pick up speed through the rugged terrain of “Boot Hill,” a desolate cemetery of wooden gravemarkers, tumbleweeds, and unfriendly-looking cacti. A coyote howls. Ominous digging can be heard from within an open grave, a fresh pile of dirt and a lantern nearby. Lightning from a gathering rainstorm on the horizon illuminates the distant silhouette of the mountains.
Storm clouds have now gathered overhead, and bolts of lightning tear across the sky. Rain begins thundering down on a distant plain. Our boat picks up additional speed, venturing toward a rather ominous-looking forest straight ahead at the base of a rugged plateau…
Thunder and lightning now overwhelms the sky. Flooding water begins to pour into the canyon from the buttes above to the left and right, spattering on jagged rocks. We begin a steep climb up a waterfall toward the plateau. The eyes of unknown animals flash in the dark around us. At the top of the waterfall, we find ourselves in a dark, ominous-looking forest. The rain continues to fall, but a bolt of lightning has set the trees on either side of us ablaze. The once-peaceful journey has gone from bad to worse, as we arrive at the top of the toppled tree and creep onto the forested peak of the plateau, ravaged by the wildfire.
The tallest trees have already begun to topple, and several charred timbers creak and moan, flames dancing in all directions. We can feel the intense heat on our skin as flames burst from all around us and smoke fills the air. We barely escape getting crushed by a tall pine as it falls from the earth and topples into a diagonal collapse above our heads. Unlike the fiery finale of Pirates of the Caribbean, this raging forest fire offers the illusion that danger is imminent. In fact, most of the fire effects in close proximity with our vehicle are produced by REAL FLAME.
Things have only gone from bad to worse… The bandits from earlier have caught up with our boat, and sure enough, they fully intend on robbing us in the midst of this raging forest fire.
Our boat comes to a screeching halt. The grizzly bear used as a “horse” by the Bandit Leader, gives a ferocious snarl.
One of the bandits fires his pistol heavenward. This spooks the leader’s grizzly bear, which rears like a horse and gives an agitated roar. Moving quickly, our boat rips through the forest fire and into a pitch-black cave, before toppling down a waterfall an 80-foot plunge into a dark cave below.
As the boat recovers from the mighty splashdown, we find ourselves immersed beneath a tube-shaped night-sky, glistening stars and distant planets everywhere, almost like an IMAX screen mixed with a theatrical set. A shooting star flies across the sky in a brilliant flash, suddenly changing the stars into constellations resembling countless western icons. As if by magic, many of the constellations even come to life, the animals making noise, Native American children running about, etc. “The Ballad of Thunder Mesa” is given a triumphant instrumental reprise, counterpointed with “Happy Trails to You”, signifying the end of the journey. Hoot Gibson glides in on a little rowboat, dressed as a fisherman, complete with line cast in the water and pole in his wings. “Ain’t nothing like a western adventure, eh? Oh, but don’t be sad. There’ll always be a day for another adventure out on the ol’ western frontier. But until then, as that song says, ‘happy trails to you until we meet again!’” Rounding a bend, the nighttime cavern leads out into the very same cavern where our Western River Expedition began. We disembark from our sturdy boat and resume our westward journeys in Frontierland, or perhaps take a second ride on Western River Expedition.
~ ~ ~ ~ ~
Once again, I must thank @MANEATINGWREATH very much for inspiring this ride-through -- as most of it was taken from his Thunder Mesa Expedition, a version combining WRE with Test Track, so all credit goes out to him -- as well as Passport to Dreams Old and New, a blog that went into great detail to describe the concept of the ride, and from whom I utilized many of the pictures seen here.
Now, I was considering doing walk-throughs for Liberty Square's two big attractions, but I figured, October is quickly coming up, so I'll wait till then. So, with that in mind, the next few walk-throughs will involve Fantasyland.
~ ~ ~ ~ ~
Western River Expedition
Western River Expedition
The crown jewel of Frontierland, Western River Expedition remains Marc Davis’ greatest achievement in his long career with Disney. One of the defining attractions of the Magic Kingdom, this epic Western adventure has delighted guests ever since it debuted as part of the Magic Kingdom’s Bicentennial Celebration in 1976. And now, almost 50 years later, it still puts smiles on everyone’s face! Well, enough jabberin’, let’s find out why this ride’s a classic!
At 130 feet in height, Thunder Mesa is one impressionable piece of nature, and can be seen from various vantage points throughout the Magic Kingdom. Thunder Mesa is a marvel unto itself - a towering, ever-present, landmark mountain range of rusted hoodoos, arches, and waterfalls topped with distant dwarf evergreens, the miniature huts of Plains Indians, and a complete frontier town nestled along its base. Not far from this small frontier township is an enormous ore elevator, our suited entrance into the attraction and into the base of the towering mountain itself. We enter a mine shaft at the base of the elevator and proceed through a series of long-abandoned, underground mining tunnels. We make our way through the shadowy bowels of Thunder Mesa Mountain past rusted ore cars, arsenals, excavation equipment, and the long-forgotten tracks of a former mining operation.
Passing through the subterranean passageways of the Thunder Mesa Mining Operation, we emerge from the darkness in the leftmost show building -- there are three major show buildings used in the ride -- and into a romantic, technicolor sunset cast down upon the orange hoodoos and lush waterfalls of a desert canyon. Crossing over a natural arch, we look down and see a line of boats that will soon take us on our journey, some returning to the load area, others now loading and departing. The air is cool and the sunset is brilliant, with hues of pink, orange, red, and blue. A few fluffy clouds, a la Toy Story, float across the romantic sky. Coyotes can be heard howling in the distance, along with the soothing sound of early evening crickets and the occasional rattlesnake. The ride’s theme song, “The Ballad of Thunder Mesa” (a variation on “The Ballad of Pecos Bill”) plays in the style of a Hollywood Western as our trail climbs down the walls of the canyon and into the loading area amid trees and brush typical of the American Southwest. The canyon’s waterfalls cascade down into trickling streams splashing alongside the load area.
We’ll make our journey aboard an old, six-row boat -- the same kind of watercraft used in Pirates of the Caribbean and “it’s a small world.” Like with Pirates, this boat is designed to look like wood, but here, there’s a far more rustic tone about it -- almost as if the wood has been salvaged from a scrapyard. Furthermore, each boat is christened with a name that reflects a Western hero (i;e Pecos Bill, Annie Oakley, Davy Crockett, etc.). As we board, we hear the voice of our narrator, a wise old owl named Hoot Gibson (voiced by Disney legend Dallas McKennon), giving the safety spiel: “Hooo! Hooo! Howdy, everybody! Heading for a cruise ‘round the riverbend, are we? Well then, for your safety, please stay seated and keep your hands, arms, feet, and legs inside the rowboat, and please watch your young’uns. Oh, and be sure to stow your personal belongin’s away. There’s bandits ‘round these parts. Enjoy the frontier now, ya hear?”
Our boat pulls away from the canyon and glides through a picturesque landscape under the perfect soft, summer sunset, bathed in warmth and scored by the music of nature itself. An encampment of Plains Indians sits just off to the left, the remnants of a campfire smoking heavenward. Though Native Americans are not visible, we can hear a Shaman inside one of the tepees, spinning a tale for his grandchildren through music and chanting. Further left is the infinite horizon of the American West, a verdant landscape dotted by literal purple mountains and fruited plains.
Our boat rolls deeper into the wilderness, straight ahead to the mouth of a great cave in the base of a rocky mountainside. The Devil’s Paint Pots, an elusive, desert mystery, bubble in all kinds of colors before the entrance to the cave. With the colorful mud bubbling and popping to the tune of the music, we enter the cave and into a long, dimly lit cavern.
Sitting atop the cowboy is Hoot Gibson himself. Like the skull of Pirates, he gives us a little introduction to the adventures ahead: “Hooo! Hooo! Roamin’ the ol’ frontier, are ya? No better place for a good adventure if you ask me. Some of the best adventures happen right here in the west, and nights like these remind me of the good ol’ days of cowboys and pioneers…”
We slip outdoors and gently roll through a warm desert at dusk. The “Ballad of Thunder Mesa” continues from the ethereal music of the caverns, though this time in the vein of a melodramatic, minor key score to a silent film. Above our wagon and off to the left, a railroad track runs on a rocky bluff - an authentic steam train rumbles past, the Walt Disney World Railroad passing through. If the passengers aboard the Walt Disney World Railroad were to look out across this simulated desert, their view would be our next sight: a true-to-form stagecoach robbery on an overhead trestle.
Oh, and incidentally, across the way is another diorama, depicting the four seasons -- and involving various bears getting involved in humorous situations regarding those seasons. Given that the seats on the Walt Disney World Railroad trains are situated in the middle of each car, and not off to the side, Marc Davis decided to take advantage of it and create two distinct dioramas on either side.
“The Ballad of Thunder Mesa - Bandit Lyrics”
To the Tune of “The Ballad of Pecos Bill”
Written by @MANEATINGWREATH
BANDIT LEADER
Oh, my friends, you see, you’ve got yourselves some trouble
You’ve seen our faces, and that’s not good in the least
ALL BANDITS
We’re the roughest, toughest bandits, never known to say dang-nabbit!
And we never have no fear of man nor beast!
So yippee-i-ay-i-ay, yippee-i-o!
STAGECOACH PASSENGERS
They’re the toughest critters west of the Alamo!
BANDIT LEADER
Quiet, you varmints!
(One of the BANDITS fires at the PASSENGERS. The STAGECOACH HORSES whinny.)
Where was I? Ah, yes…
(SINGS)
Now you’ve seen us, we’re the meanest, causing trouble!
We’re crooked villains, with no fillings in our teeth!
ALL BANDITS
We’ll chase you down and all around
‘Til you’re our captive, and our clown!
BANDIT LEADER
We’ll meet again, I don’t know when, but just you see!
ALL BANDITS
So yippee-i-ay-i-ay, yippee-i-o!
STAGECOACH PASSENGERS
They’re the toughest critters west of the Alamo!
BANDIT LEADER
I said, QUIET!!!
(One of the BANDITS fires at the PASSENGERS. The STAGECOACH HORSES whinny.)
That’s better…
To the Tune of “The Ballad of Pecos Bill”
Written by @MANEATINGWREATH
BANDIT LEADER
Oh, my friends, you see, you’ve got yourselves some trouble
You’ve seen our faces, and that’s not good in the least
ALL BANDITS
We’re the roughest, toughest bandits, never known to say dang-nabbit!
And we never have no fear of man nor beast!
So yippee-i-ay-i-ay, yippee-i-o!
STAGECOACH PASSENGERS
They’re the toughest critters west of the Alamo!
BANDIT LEADER
Quiet, you varmints!
(One of the BANDITS fires at the PASSENGERS. The STAGECOACH HORSES whinny.)
Where was I? Ah, yes…
(SINGS)
Now you’ve seen us, we’re the meanest, causing trouble!
We’re crooked villains, with no fillings in our teeth!
ALL BANDITS
We’ll chase you down and all around
‘Til you’re our captive, and our clown!
BANDIT LEADER
We’ll meet again, I don’t know when, but just you see!
ALL BANDITS
So yippee-i-ay-i-ay, yippee-i-o!
STAGECOACH PASSENGERS
They’re the toughest critters west of the Alamo!
BANDIT LEADER
I said, QUIET!!!
(One of the BANDITS fires at the PASSENGERS. The STAGECOACH HORSES whinny.)
That’s better…
Not wanting any trouble, our boat picks up speed, darting under the stagecoach trestle and hastily dipping over a number of rolling “sand dunes” and hairpin turns around cacti and rocks. Our boat slows to a leisurely pace as we continue into a desert prairie at twilight, in awe at the fluffy clouds floating across the endless, night sky, and distant rock formations silhouetted against the twinkling stars and silhouettes of howling coyotes on the horizon.
A family of buffalo gather around a group of prairie dogs popping in and out of their burrows; the visible, distant coyotes howl; the underscore music swells from “The Ballad of Thunder Mesa” to a different and more sentimental tune: “Home on the Range.” Nearby, a cowboy sings to calm his musical, bellowing cattle under the soft moonlight. Even his lanky horse joins in the song.
A chuck wagon parked along the trail serves as a base camp for the cowboy’s comrades, whose guitar and harmonica playing around a campfire join the arrangement of “Home on the Range” as the wide-eyed cook sings along. Of course, all the cowpokes are joined by an entire chorus of singing cacti…
(52:04 -- 54:41)
The placid strumming of “Home on the Range” transitions into a honky tonk piano arrangement of “The Ballad of Thunder Mesa.” Raucous shouting, gunfire, and general “yippin’” and “hollerin’” has filled the air. Rounding the corner from the prairie, we ride onward and into the little pioneer town of Dry Gulch. Hoot Gibson, now wearing a cowboy hat, appears on a tree branch as we pass into town. “Ah, Dry Gulch. This is the place where the miners went to spend their newfound fortunes. Every night was like a wild hoedown, and greed and depravity ruled the land...”
It’s a Saturday night in Dry Gulch, and the technicolor streets are alive with revelry. The influence and intense color stylization of Mary Blair is perhaps most evident in Dry Gulch. The right side of the town is bathed in bright, blue moonlight, with the various buildings standing out against the hue in shades of green clapboard and yellow windows, whereas the left side of the town is bathed in fiery, burning red, courtesy of the setting sun, with impossibly long shadows cast by the warmly-lit buildings. On either side of town, towering canyon walls loom beneath the vast expanse of the evening sky. Our wagon travels through town at a comfortable pace, not excluding the opportunity to catch a gag on either side of this chaotic, masterclass scene in Marc Davis design.
-- Right Side --
A trio of dance hall girls sing “The Ballad of Thunder Mesa,” performing cancan kicks, cheered on by cowboys. A drunkard on horseback (his horse also drunk) is about ready to topple over, while his fellow drunk, another horseback cowpoke, has somehow managed to get his horse onto the roof of “Big Jack’s Saloon,” firing his six-shooters into the air. Most townspeople look on with general distaste, one woman covering her child’s ears, while the saloon’s bartender wags his fist and shouts insults at the rooftop deviant … but that’s nothing compared to the insults of the seemingly sweet little old lady!
BARTENDER: Get down from there at once, you no-good cowpoke!
COWBOY: Yeehaw! I’ve never felt this good! I’m a flying eagle!
BARTENDER: I’ll call the cavalry on you in an instant! You piece of rat fodder!
MOTHER: Don’t listen, Billy, these men are bad.
GRANDMOTHER: Hush, Sarah! Get down here you rascally, flea-bitten varmint! Curse you and your drunkard friends!
COWBOY: Aw, come on, Bartender! Can’t we all just get along?
BARTENDER: I’m not your friend, you filthy son of a gun! A pox on your house!
COWBOY: I’m a cowpoke, I have no house!
MOTHER: Never become a cowboy, Billy, they’re horrible men.
GRANDMOTHER: Shut up, Sarah! Your father was a cowboy and I was a cowgirl. I give in. Stay up there, you filthy cowboy! A pox on your house, Mr. Shop Owner.
BARTENDER: Mrs. The Kid? What happened to you?
GRANDMOTHER: I’m a cowgirl at heart, you sorry excuse for a human.
MOTHER: Mother!
COWBOY: Yeehaw! I’ve never felt this good! I’m a flying eagle!
BARTENDER: I’ll call the cavalry on you in an instant! You piece of rat fodder!
MOTHER: Don’t listen, Billy, these men are bad.
GRANDMOTHER: Hush, Sarah! Get down here you rascally, flea-bitten varmint! Curse you and your drunkard friends!
COWBOY: Aw, come on, Bartender! Can’t we all just get along?
BARTENDER: I’m not your friend, you filthy son of a gun! A pox on your house!
COWBOY: I’m a cowpoke, I have no house!
MOTHER: Never become a cowboy, Billy, they’re horrible men.
GRANDMOTHER: Shut up, Sarah! Your father was a cowboy and I was a cowgirl. I give in. Stay up there, you filthy cowboy! A pox on your house, Mr. Shop Owner.
BARTENDER: Mrs. The Kid? What happened to you?
GRANDMOTHER: I’m a cowgirl at heart, you sorry excuse for a human.
MOTHER: Mother!
Not far from the chaos, an old-time photographer snaps a photo of a smiling cowpoke with his arm wrapped around a stuffed bear (only 10 cents!). More chaos ensues outside the “Diamondback Lounge” next door, where the house pianist has been wheeled outside to underscore the mayhem. A showgirl on the front porch has kicked her leg so high that it’s snagged the shirt collar of a cowboy now hoisted in the air and struggling to get back down. The nearby cowpokes, one in which rides on the shoulders of another, sing, laugh, and toast their moonshine to the sight. In a subtle nod to Pirates of the Caribbean, the silhouette of a cowboy chasing a showgirl can be seen in the upstairs window, though both seem to be enjoying the chase, as both giggle and shout playful taunts of “I’m gonna getcha” back and forth.
Surrounded by tall torches, a Snake Oil Salesman, the mustached “Doc Edwards,” has established his wagon-shop at the end of the right side of the street, showcasing his wares with the help of a grinning muscleman, with music provided by a grizzled prospector and a gangly woman on banjo and flute. Doc Edwards has reeled in an audience - ourselves, two children, and a quartet of pigs.
DOC EDWARDS: Alright, ladies and gentlemen, step right up! Step right up! That’s right, folks. No pushing and shoving, there’s room for all. Observe, my friends, the wonder of Doc Edwards Extraordinary, Foolproof, Muscle-Growth Magic Elixir. That’s right, folks. That’s Doc Edwards Extraordinary, Foolproof, Muscle-Growth Magic Elixir. You’ll experience the most amazing, the most incredible, the absolutely most sensational growth of your biceps, triceps, and every muscle in between! Take a look at our strongman here. He used to be a child like you, but with one bottle of this miracle elixir, here he stands today, an overnight transformation from little boy to giant man! And by the time you’ve finished just one bottle, one bottle, mind you, not two, not three, buy ten, of Doc Edwards miracle elixir, you’ll praise its potent pleasures and find yourself the next Paul Bunyan of this great frontier. Don’t hesitate, don’t wait, it’s here now, and here today! Get your magic elixir! Get it now! Doc Edwards Extraordinary, Foolproof, Muscle-Growth Magic Elixir!
-- Left Side --
The left side of Dry Gulch, with sight gags and scenes happening concurrently with the right side, is awash in the brilliant red color of the setting sun, with your typical Western bank robbery and shootout well underway. The sheriff’s deputy and his horse, both asleep, have failed to notice the underground tunneling trailing below them from the nearby jailhouse. The jailhouse, of course, has a changeable sign that reads “NO VACANCY.” Fearsome robbers have looted the local bank, having even pulled an entire safe out to use as a shield, firing Colt 45s from their varied hiding places. Nervous soldiers of the United States cavalry answer back from the windows of a bathhouse. The sheriff, clad in shaving cream and a polka-dot apron, has emerged from the tonsorial parlor, returning fire. A Calamity Jane-style deputy takes her time deciding on which target to aim at first, while cowpoke minstrels sing that titular “Ballad of Thunder Mesa,” all whilst avoiding the rampant gunfire. And, at the end of the street, a grinning mortician (with advertised “24 hour service”) fiddles with his favorite measuring tape, sizing up his potential clients for the foreseeable future.
And by the way, if’n you’re curious about how “The Ballad of Thunder Mesa” sounds ‘round these parts, here are the lyrics…
“The Ballad of Thunder Mesa - Dry Gulch Lyrics”
Written by @MANEATINGWREATH
CHORUS
Oh, Thunder Mesa is a legend here in the West
With painted deserts, drinkin’ cowpoke, in the least.
The town of Dry Gulch is a danger
But come in, don’t be a stranger!
We’re friendly to all folk, including man or beast!
So yippee-i-ay-i-ay, yippee-i-o
We’re the toughest town just west of the Alamo!
Oh, Thunder Mesa is our humble little abode
So have a drink, kick off yer boots, and heavy load
You’ll mine a fortune and can keep it
Play some poker, win a trinket,
But if you cheat you’ll get yourself bruised up for sure!
So yippee-i-ay-i-ay, yippee-i-o
We’re the toughest town just west of the Alamo!
Oh, Thunder Mesa has more gold than El Dorado
You’ll strike it rich, make true your wish, go high from low
But if that gold’s seen by some robbers
Well, my friend, you’ll just get clobbered
Don’t call the sheriff, he’s no good, he’s just too slow
So yippee-i-ay-i-ay, yippee-i-o
We’re the toughest town just west of the Alamo!
Written by @MANEATINGWREATH
CHORUS
Oh, Thunder Mesa is a legend here in the West
With painted deserts, drinkin’ cowpoke, in the least.
The town of Dry Gulch is a danger
But come in, don’t be a stranger!
We’re friendly to all folk, including man or beast!
So yippee-i-ay-i-ay, yippee-i-o
We’re the toughest town just west of the Alamo!
Oh, Thunder Mesa is our humble little abode
So have a drink, kick off yer boots, and heavy load
You’ll mine a fortune and can keep it
Play some poker, win a trinket,
But if you cheat you’ll get yourself bruised up for sure!
So yippee-i-ay-i-ay, yippee-i-o
We’re the toughest town just west of the Alamo!
Oh, Thunder Mesa has more gold than El Dorado
You’ll strike it rich, make true your wish, go high from low
But if that gold’s seen by some robbers
Well, my friend, you’ll just get clobbered
Don’t call the sheriff, he’s no good, he’s just too slow
So yippee-i-ay-i-ay, yippee-i-o
We’re the toughest town just west of the Alamo!
As we depart from the town of Dry Gulch, we pass under a bridge, currently occupied by a hollerin’ cowpoke firing his six-shooters, and a rather disgruntled Native American man covering his ears in disapproval.
The sound of bullets and music is soon replaced by the caw of a lonesome crow. Vultures circle overhead, with two vultures already having perched on a gnarled tree branch to watch our boat with eager eyes. The water becomes a bit treacherous as our boat starts to pick up speed through the rugged terrain of “Boot Hill,” a desolate cemetery of wooden gravemarkers, tumbleweeds, and unfriendly-looking cacti. A coyote howls. Ominous digging can be heard from within an open grave, a fresh pile of dirt and a lantern nearby. Lightning from a gathering rainstorm on the horizon illuminates the distant silhouette of the mountains.
Storm clouds have now gathered overhead, and bolts of lightning tear across the sky. Rain begins thundering down on a distant plain. Our boat picks up additional speed, venturing toward a rather ominous-looking forest straight ahead at the base of a rugged plateau…
Thunder and lightning now overwhelms the sky. Flooding water begins to pour into the canyon from the buttes above to the left and right, spattering on jagged rocks. We begin a steep climb up a waterfall toward the plateau. The eyes of unknown animals flash in the dark around us. At the top of the waterfall, we find ourselves in a dark, ominous-looking forest. The rain continues to fall, but a bolt of lightning has set the trees on either side of us ablaze. The once-peaceful journey has gone from bad to worse, as we arrive at the top of the toppled tree and creep onto the forested peak of the plateau, ravaged by the wildfire.
The tallest trees have already begun to topple, and several charred timbers creak and moan, flames dancing in all directions. We can feel the intense heat on our skin as flames burst from all around us and smoke fills the air. We barely escape getting crushed by a tall pine as it falls from the earth and topples into a diagonal collapse above our heads. Unlike the fiery finale of Pirates of the Caribbean, this raging forest fire offers the illusion that danger is imminent. In fact, most of the fire effects in close proximity with our vehicle are produced by REAL FLAME.
Things have only gone from bad to worse… The bandits from earlier have caught up with our boat, and sure enough, they fully intend on robbing us in the midst of this raging forest fire.
BANDIT LEADER: Well, well, my friends, you’ve got yourselves into some trouble!
BANDIT #2: Hee-hee… Trouble…
BANDIT LEADER: (Whispers) Quiet! (Louder) I’ll help ya outta here… But first… Stick ‘em up!
BANDIT #2: Hee-hee… Trouble…
BANDIT LEADER: (Whispers) Quiet! (Louder) I’ll help ya outta here… But first… Stick ‘em up!
Our boat comes to a screeching halt. The grizzly bear used as a “horse” by the Bandit Leader, gives a ferocious snarl.
BANDIT LEADER: Fork over all yer precious baubles and coins… That’s right… Silly hats and glasses need not apply.
BANDIT #2: Hee-hee… Silly hats…
BANDIT LEADER: (Whispers) I said, quiet! (Louder) This is the end of the line, amigos. Hands up! And keep yerself seated… There’s no escapin’ now! Fire!
BANDIT #2: Hee-hee… Silly hats…
BANDIT LEADER: (Whispers) I said, quiet! (Louder) This is the end of the line, amigos. Hands up! And keep yerself seated… There’s no escapin’ now! Fire!
One of the bandits fires his pistol heavenward. This spooks the leader’s grizzly bear, which rears like a horse and gives an agitated roar. Moving quickly, our boat rips through the forest fire and into a pitch-black cave, before toppling down a waterfall an 80-foot plunge into a dark cave below.
As the boat recovers from the mighty splashdown, we find ourselves immersed beneath a tube-shaped night-sky, glistening stars and distant planets everywhere, almost like an IMAX screen mixed with a theatrical set. A shooting star flies across the sky in a brilliant flash, suddenly changing the stars into constellations resembling countless western icons. As if by magic, many of the constellations even come to life, the animals making noise, Native American children running about, etc. “The Ballad of Thunder Mesa” is given a triumphant instrumental reprise, counterpointed with “Happy Trails to You”, signifying the end of the journey. Hoot Gibson glides in on a little rowboat, dressed as a fisherman, complete with line cast in the water and pole in his wings. “Ain’t nothing like a western adventure, eh? Oh, but don’t be sad. There’ll always be a day for another adventure out on the ol’ western frontier. But until then, as that song says, ‘happy trails to you until we meet again!’” Rounding a bend, the nighttime cavern leads out into the very same cavern where our Western River Expedition began. We disembark from our sturdy boat and resume our westward journeys in Frontierland, or perhaps take a second ride on Western River Expedition.
~ ~ ~ ~ ~
Once again, I must thank @MANEATINGWREATH very much for inspiring this ride-through -- as most of it was taken from his Thunder Mesa Expedition, a version combining WRE with Test Track, so all credit goes out to him -- as well as Passport to Dreams Old and New, a blog that went into great detail to describe the concept of the ride, and from whom I utilized many of the pictures seen here.
Now, I was considering doing walk-throughs for Liberty Square's two big attractions, but I figured, October is quickly coming up, so I'll wait till then. So, with that in mind, the next few walk-throughs will involve Fantasyland.
