I need some advice

[shuflemstr]

I don't know what to do. I don't have anyone I can turn to right now so I thought maybe someone out there could tell me what to do. Right now I am still living at home (because it's cheaper or the fact that I am afraid of being by myself) and I have come to the decision that I want to move out on my own. I feel that I have stayed at home entirely too long. 28 years is way too long. So I started talking to my mom about this. I had found a couple of apartments that I liked but my mom was against the idea of me having to pay rent. She said that I would be paying a lot of money with nothing to show for it. I told her that I would get a loan and would buy a house, since the apartments I was looking at, the rent was as much if not more than a house payment. She was against that too. She wants to buy me a house herself. She says that I am going to get her money anyway, why not let her do this. She wants to see the money put to good use.I feel bad about this because my mom has worded hard for her money, that I can't let her do this and feel good about myself. I know she has always wanted to move into a patio home, but now she says she wants to stay where she is and me move out. I'm scared with the idea of me being by myself that maybe I am looking for an excuse to not go through with it. I just don't like the idea of my mom buying me a house. I feel like I am taking advantage of her. I am grown up and should be doing this myself I think.

Please help me before I pull the rest of my hair out.

Brian

 

[SpongeScott]

Brian--at 28 years old, I would agree that it's time for you to be out on your own. It's time for you to show some responsibility and maturity and branch out and be by yourself. As for your Mom buying you a house, you could always pay her back for the house or allow her to make the down payment on the house and then you make the monthly mortgage. She has a valid point that you are going to get her money, so why not let her do something like this with it? Take the plunge and learn to enjoy the opportunity of living on your own.


My two cents...

 

[TravisMT81]

I was so happy to leave home at 18 LOL!!! Not that I don't love my mom dearly but I needed to get out on my own and experience freedom. And if you don't want your mom to buy a house she can buy me one.

 

[The Mom]

IF you must buy a house right away, only let her "give" you the down payment, and pay for the rest yourself. It sounds as if she might be a tad controlling (even if subconciously) and she might use her buying you a house as leverage.

Quite frankly, my husband and I didn't buy a house until we were married for several years. I know that it might have been a "waste" of money to some, but owning a house is more than mortgage payments. There are taxes, insurance, maintenence, and all of the time involved. You have to buy tools, lawnmowers, appliances, etc. Plus, it's a lot easier to move from apartment to apartment than it is to sell one house and purchase another.

I would suggest living in an apartment while you take your time looking around for a house.

 

[stitch rocks]

i agree with the mom... buying a house i a huge step... you should start out with an apt and just tell ur mom that ur 28 and u need to expericence life away from home and that you are going to be fine. maybe you can make a compromise with her: friday night dinners together or something. she;s probably afraid that she won't see you again, like most parents are. you'll be fine, freedom from parents is great, well thats just me... my mom is just a little controlling even thought i'm 100 miles away. :-D

 

[tigsmom]

Everyone has valid points. If your mom insists on helping you out (and thats what we moms do) accept the down payment gracefully then encourage to enjoy her money while she still can. Be aware that she may try to control your purchase if you let her pay for the house entirely.

After you have picked out a few houses to look at, ask her opinion. Maybe you could let her assist with redecorating, etc. She is probably just as nervous about this move as you are.

Its tough to go out on your own, but you'll make it. If you need to talk, you know where we are. :wave:

 

[Debbie]

I agree with everyone that at age 28; it's time to be on your own. I also agree that I would allow her to help you with a down payment, and maybe closing cost. I'm almost afraid for you what would happen down the road; say if the two of you had a disagreement. Would all of this help be thrown in your face? Would you be expected to give up your/her house that she paid for?
Another thought is that if your mom insist on helping you; then maybe instead of the above mentioned financial assistance; how about buying you a washer and dryer? fridge? All of these are needed for a house.
Maybe for now; an apartment would be a good thing. I know alot of folks from the old school don't believe in throwing money away on rent. However, anytime you start a new chapter in your life; it could be money well spent.
Just make sure that you are ready for this, and the fact that you may have to be firm in cutting mom's apron strings.

 

[Erika]

John and I are one of the few couples I know that went straight from living with mom & dad to owning a home; no apts. I will agree that owning a home is a huge step. Our mortgage is a lot less than most of our friends paid in rent, but, as others have stated, there is more to worry about than just the mortgage. If you're looking for a nice in-between, maybe a townhouse is the way to go.

I don't know your mom but if you do think this might be a control issue, you could have trouble up the road. You may have to sit her down and tell her (firmly) that she needs to cut the apron strings (in a nicer way, of course ) She may be mad at first but she can't stay that way. Maybe if you want to compromise you can let her help you with decorating or furniture.

 

[LouDisney]

I agree with The Mom. Good luck with your decision. Let us know what you decided.

 

[DisneyPhD]

Lot's of good advice so far. Yes at 28 it is time. It isn't abnormal or strange for parents to help with down payments. Both mine and my in laws did. However Mr. PhD and I lived in an appartment for 5 years and then rented for 1 year before we were able to buy a house (while he was working on that darn PhD, then it took a while to have a steady job that they would give us a morgage for.)

We did waste a lot on rent, but that was how it had to be. We have put any extra money we get towards the principle and had a good down payment (those generous parents again.) and have our house more then half paid for in 5 years. (and it has doubled in vaule too!)

Tell your mom to enjoy her money herself now, you can wait! If she wants to spend it on you, maybe you too can take a nice vacation together some time!

One thing if she helps you out you might be able to aford a bigger house that you can stay in and not have to move out of the starter house. That can be great since the values of houses are going up all the time.

 

[Wilt Dasney]

Don't forget that buying a house involves making a pretty solid commitment to that piece of dirt. In other words, unless you're sure that your hometown is where you want to stay, an apartment would probably be a better option.

 

[Computer Magic]

John and I are one of the few couples I know that went straight from living with mom & dad to owning a home

You can add my wife and I as moving straight from parents house right into owning a home. It is a lot of work, but well worth it.

A townhome or duplex might be the answer as some things might be included. As the upkeep is less expensive.

As for mom helping out, there is nothing wrong with allowing her to assist (as long as you know she can afford it and doesn't use it as leverage over you). As you stated, it will be yours someday. Why not let her see you happy now. You can allows pay her back or help her later when she needs you.

 

[AliciaLuvzDizne]

even buying a condo... you get the value of owning without all of the responsibility... its probably a good first step for you.

I would agree to let her put the down payment up but another suggestion would be to just let you do this all on your own...as a growing expierence. And have an agreement with her that if you get into a little trouble, or bite off a bit more than you can chew, she'll be there for you to help you through the rough patch?

 

[Computer Magic]

even buying a condo... you get the value of owning without all of the responsibility... its probably a good first step for you.

Condo, another good option. Something that will give you a return on investment. When you ready to leave you get money back to put towards something else.

Sorry, that's just my business background talking.

 

[shuflemstr]

It sounds as if she might be a tad controlling (even if subconciously) and she might use her buying you a house as leverage.

She is very controlling. Sometimes I think she is controlling and sometimes I think she is just being very overprotective because I am an only child. Is there a difference in being controlling and being overprotective?

Thanks everyone for all of your advice.

 

[Computer Magic]

She is very controlling. Sometimes I think she is controlling and sometimes I think she is just being very overprotective because I am an only child. Is there a difference in being controlling and being overprotective?

Thanks everyone for all of your advice.

I would say overprotective. I'm also an only child. Been there done that. That is why, if you accept the "gift", ground rules need to be set.

She should not use this as leverage. You need to stand on your own, but allow her to help you leave the nest. But after the initial startup, stand on your own. You need to scrape your knees in order to become tougher. She can't always be there to keep you from falling.

 

[Wckd Queen]

I'm older than you and I still live at home :lol: In my case, however, it's really a matter of finances. There is just no way I could afford rent or a mortgage where I live while maintaining the standard of living that I want to. I am not willing to relocate or have a half dozen roomies either :lol: It's not so bad though. I have the whole upstairs of the house and I just kinda walk away when the 'rents start bugging me :lol:

If you do decide to go the route of buying a house or a condo, and your mom is going to lend you the down payment, check with the lenders. Back when I was underwriting mortgages, many moons ago, if you got money from a relative, that had to be accompanied by an acceptable "gift letter" stating this was a gift and not a loan. I don't recall if there was a cap on the amount the gift could be or how much of a down payment could be gifted, but there were some paramaters that it needed to fall within. Lenders also require a certain number of months "reserves" in the bank (ie: enough cash on hand for two months of mortgage, front & back end debt payments) So, check with FannieMae or your local bank to see what the requirements are. You may want to work with your mom to get your finances squared a little bit before you start the application process with your lender. Good luck to you!

 

[MsSnuzi]

I'm looking at this from the other perspective - I am the mother of an only child. I agree that 28 is time if you are in a situation that warrents it. Are you working and can you support yourself - that's where you need to start. If you feel you can "survive" financially, then you need to take the first step. Just show your mom that it won't change your relationship or the way you feel about her. That's probably her biggest fear of letting you go. Where you live isn't the biggest issue - how you live is. Accepting help from your parents is something we all do through our lives - make sure the help you get is in line with the way you want to live your life.

 

[tigsmom]

I'm looking at this from the other perspective - I am the mother of an only child. I agree that 28 is time if you are in a situation that warrents it. Are you working and can you support yourself - that's where you need to start. If you feel you can "survive" financially, then you need to take the first step. Just show your mom that it won't change your relationship or the way you feel about her. That's probably her biggest fear of letting you go. Where you live isn't the biggest issue - how you live is. Accepting help from your parents is something we all do through our lives - make sure the help you get is in line with the way you want to live your life.

I have to agree with what you say. My kids aren't ready to leave yet, but I know I'll want to help out when I can. I've been married almost 23 years & up until the day my father passed one of the last things he always said to me was.."do you need anything, do you have enough money?" When we needed help (there are 4 siblings) he was always there with money, time or a place to stay.

My inlaws are moving thousands of miles away at the end of this month & we'll miss them; they too are always ready to lend a hand (again 4 siblings) whenever we need it. Seems everytime we go over there we come home with a bag of "goodies" that we call "shopping at grandma's". :lol:

I think if you work with your mom & set up some guidelines about the help she'll give you will both feel better. Assure her you are moving out of her house, but not her life. Good luck.

 

[Yellow Shoes]

No one has mentioned your mother's desire to move into a patio home.

I am guessing it would be to have a smaller space with less maintenance (especially outdoor upkeep). As she gets older, a house with no stairs will have increasing appeal.

Would it be possible for her to move and you to stay in your childhood home?

There are lots of reasons she wouldn't want you to move out. You didn't mention your father--I assume that he isn't in the picture. She will be lonely without you. She will also lose her handyman, and possibly have to deal with paying a lawn service, etc when you move out.

CAN you afford to move out? Have you priced alternative living arrangements? I suspect that right now your only major debt is a car payment. How much will your lifestyle change with a mortgage payment of 30% of your take-home pay? Really, you should figure that your discretionary income will fall by 50%--there are a million hidden costs of owning a house.

I would be very careful about taking money from her. First off, there will be the strings that everyone has mentioned. And you will be guilted into doing what she asks because you are indebted to her. But most importantly, you need to do this YOURSELF. This is a big step, and you will feel much better doing it alone.