At what age can a child decide not to see parents?

[captainkidd]

So, here's a brief synopsis:

My step-son just turned 12 years old. I've lived with him since he was 3. He spends every other weekend with his father and step-mother. He's complained for years that he doesn't like his step-mother and does not like going over there. However, it's part of the court agreement. The big issue is, his father picks him up every other Friday, works all day Saturday, leaving him at the house with the step-mother, then brings him home Sunday. My SS sent his father an email saying he didn't want to spend weekends over there any more. He wanted to still see his father during the week, but that was all. He called him last night, and he told him again how he felt. His father told him flat out "Until you're 18, you have to do what I tell you."

Bottom line is, my SS is now incredibly upset that he still has to go. My wife's in a tough spot. She didn't want to get involved at first, but we don't want her son to be unhappy.

Is he stuck for another 6 years, or should we consult with an attorney and try to get things changed?

 

[Master Yoda]

It will vary by state and the court order, but for the most part his father is right. He is stuck going there until he turns 18 or the court order is revised.

 

[captainkidd]

I can't imagine any kid being stuck having to stick with that arrangement until they are 18. What about jobs, school sports, dating, hanging out with friends? My dad never forced me to go to his house once I reached about 16. If I didn't have plans that weekend, I'd go see him. But he would never have forced me to go if I didn't want to.

 

[Master Yoda]

I can't imagine any kid being stuck having to stick with that arrangement until they are 18. What about jobs, school sports, dating, hanging out with friends? My dad never forced me to go to his house once I reached about 16. If I didn't have plans that weekend, I'd go see him. But he would never have forced me to go if I didn't want to.

Like I said, it depends on how the court order is worded and what exceptions exist in it, but for the most part 18 is the rule.

You are trying to apply logic to what is quite frequently a very un-logical situation. The easiest thing to do is for your wife and her ex to come to an agreement. If that is not possible then your only real choice is to hire an attorney and head back to court, although it is not all that likely that a judge will change the order unless you can show some kind of significant detriment to the child. Violating the court order by withholding visitation can result in your wife getting arrested.

 

[sweetpee_1993]

Definitely depends on the state. I know at some age it's not so much that there's an age where the kid doesn't have to be forced in one direction or the other, it's more that there's an age where a kid can speak on their own behalf with a judge and their input is considered when custody changes have been brought back to the courts for revision. (ie. When I was 14 I was well aware that if I truly didn't want to live with my mother & her then-husband I could press my dad to take the custody agreement back to court and I had a good chance of having the arrangements changed. That's one reason why at that age my mother didn't try to stop me from living with my dad.)

I wouldn't necessarily say he's "stuck" until he's 18. Again, varies by state. In Louisiana a 17 year old can walk out of their parent's house and do as they please without parental consent yet the parents are still financially liable for that child until they are 18 years of age. Doesn't make a whole lot of sense, really.

I'd do a little research online to see what you can find. Maybe speak with an attorney if that's what needs to be done to find out what options there are.

 

[ScoutN]

SweetPea hit is close on the head. Once he gets high school age it can go to court. If his grades and mental state are deemed adequate by the courts then THEY CAN eliminate the visits with the father and step son. My cousin has done this with her boys as well as a couple neighbors. Consult a lawyer.

 

[captainkidd]

The thing is, we have no interest in stopping my SS from spending time with his father. His father is pretty selfish when it comes to their relationship, but that doesn't mean they shouldn't have a relationship. We don't want to step in and go the lawyer route unless it's absolutely necessary. And my SS just not having fun while at his father's seems like a pretty weak excuse.

 

[captainkidd]

This whole thing is messed up. I just picked my SS up at school. I can't believe what he was telling me. There's the typical "My SM yells at me for no reason" stuff, but that's just the tip of the iceberg. My SS is on a lot of medication for acid reflux, asthma, and some other stomach issues. Even after the insurance pays what they pay, it's still very expensive every month. Court order says Dad has to pay 1/2 the cost. Every month he complains about it. My SS told me that they're telling him this medicine could kill him and we're over medicating him. He says he can't stand being there because they're always trash talking his mother, me and his brothers. We can't let this continue. We asked the father to come over so we could all talk, and he refuses to do so. But if we don't let him take him this weekend, he could file a court order against my wife. Only thing I can think of doing is hiring this attorney we spoke to, and file an emergency order to have visitation stopped until a professional can speak to my SS.

 

[Master Yoda]

This whole thing is messed up. I just picked my SS up at school. I can't believe what he was telling me. There's the typical "My SM yells at me for no reason" stuff, but that's just the tip of the iceberg. My SS is on a lot of medication for acid reflux, asthma, and some other stomach issues. Even after the insurance pays what they pay, it's still very expensive every month. Court order says Dad has to pay 1/2 the cost. Every month he complains about it. My SS told me that they're telling him this medicine could kill him and we're over medicating him. He says he can't stand being there because they're always trash talking his mother, me and his brothers. We can't let this continue. We asked the father to come over so we could all talk, and he refuses to do so. But if we don't let him take him this weekend, he could file a court order against my wife. Only thing I can think of doing is hiring this attorney we spoke to, and file an emergency order to have visitation stopped until a professional can speak to my SS.

That is pretty much what you have to do. Your attorney will know best, but the medical angle might be the best avenue to pursue especially if they are denying him his medication while he is there.

 

[ScoutN]

That is pretty much what you have to do. Your attorney will know best, but the medical angle might be the best avenue to pursue especially if they are denying him his medication while he is there.

My cousin (now 13) had an issue very similar to this with the bad mouthing nonstop. He ended up turning his phone to video mode and recorded a very long portion of the scenario. They took that to the lawyer and were able to get it worked around. That is scary about the medicinal angle. I am guessing that the father nor SM goes to ANY of the doctor appointments to comprehend the issues?

 

[captainkidd]

My cousin (now 13) had an issue very similar to this with the bad mouthing nonstop. He ended up turning his phone to video mode and recorded a very long portion of the scenario. They took that to the lawyer and were able to get it worked around. That is scary about the medicinal angle. I am guessing that the father nor SM goes to ANY of the doctor appointments to comprehend the issues?

No, they don't. The father has all the doctors phone numbers and has called them and they all have verified the meds are necessary. He simply doesn't want to pay for them.

One thing I've never wanted to do is have my SS not have a relationship with his father. My parents were divorced and I always had a good relationship with my Dad. My stepmom treated me like crap. Eventually, my Dad divorced her and met someone much nicer. However, if his father is going to let his wife treat my SS like crap, and worse yet, put bad thoughts into his son's head about his mother and brothers (me, I don't care much about), then that's a problem for me.

Funny you bring up the phone. My wife bought him his first cell phone last year, however his father does not let him take it with him.

 

[sweetpee_1993]

Rest assured, if your SS is hearing a bunch of bashing of his mom & other sibs from his step-mom and/or dad the ONLY people they are detracting from is themselves. I can say that honestly. My folks divorced when I was 3. I know I remember hearing my mom speak unkindly about my dad and my step-dad definitely did regularly. I don't remember my dad ever saying anything even mildly negative about my mom or my step-family. I was blessed with a fantastic loving step-mom for many years before she and Dad split. ((My parents remarried when I was 26.)) It wasn't until almost the very end before Dad split from the step-mom that I ever heard her say anything negative about my mother. I remember that day clearly. I was 18. We were arguing. She let a bunch of hateful stuff spew about my mom that I realize were mostly true but its the hate in she put into what she said that really damaged the relationship I had with her. I lost a lot of respect for her that day. Kidd, y'all maintain the level of integrity you live by and don't fall to the level of smack-talkin' the other parent. Your step-son will know the difference in the end. Positive energy, hopefully, will be where he finds his comfort. Even if he doesn't understand the depth of if all now, he will in time. Good luck with it all. I hate hearing about kids going thru this type stuff with divorced parents. I know how hard it is.

 

[Monty]

It depends on the jurisdiction you're living in, but ask a lawyer about juvenile emancipation regulations/laws. A youth who can demonstrate that they are mature enough to decide for themselves can petition for emancipation, thereby removing themselves from an otherwise untenable situation. It might be an option...