Songbird76
Well-Known Member
I’m sorry that your husband doesn’t do his share. Is it a cultural thing, or is he just not valuing you? Either way, maybe it’s time for a non-confrontational frank conversation.
Mike is pretty good (actually very good!) at just doing things without being prompted. Every once in a while, I do have to ask him to do something. I never tell.
Not that he was ever a slacker, but he really picked his game when I broke my leg, and then had my hip replaced a year later. I was literally laid up on the couch (unable to even get to the bathroom by myself) for months each time. He did everything for me, and then for the household.
We like to joke about who is going to push whom around in a wheelchair when we get really old. At this point, I probably owe him.
I wouldn't call it cultural...more....traditional gender roles, I guess? I think he absolutely does value me and love me. This is just the area where we have our differences that are frustrating, and every couple has those. I don't think he does it intentionally. He's not sitting there thinking I need to do more or that I'm honestly lazy. The comment on mothers day, he made it in a really joking way, like he KNOWS I'm not lazy every day, just he never gave a thought to what I do. Like....have you ever seen the story about the man whose girlfriend moves in with him and he will watch tv and eat snacks and the next day the coffee table is cleaned off, the floor is vacuumed, etc. And after a while, the girlfriend confronts him about leaving stuff out and tells him to throw it away, and he tells her it's ok because it's a magic coffee table and every day it just cleans itself? That's kind of like my husband. If he doesn't SEE me doing it, he doesn't realize it was done. He didn't SEE me take out the trash, but it's empty. He didn't SEE me put clean clothes away, but he always has clean ones to put on in the morning. Intellectually, he knows I've done it, but without seeing me do it, he doesn't know whether I did that last night or while he was working, and he doesn't see how much time it takes. He might think it only takes 5 minutes to shove some clothes in the washer and start it, but not take into account the sorting, the folding, putting away.
Another story: When my daughter was just born, he got 2 weeks off of work to stay home to help me with the baby. When she needed to be fed, I'd get situated with my nursing pillow and everything and he'd bring her to me and then change her diaper afterwards. When he had to go back to work, I had to do everything myself. There was no one to hand the baby off to. So a couple of weeks after he went back to work, he came home and I was just putting E down in the playpen so I could go to the bathroom. He says "Oh....I'll wait then." I asked him for what. "To go to the bathroom....I'll wait until you're back." I said "Why? We have 2 bathrooms....just go upstairs." and he says "No, I don't want to leave E alone." I said "Honey, what do you think I do during the day when you're not here and I have to go? Do you think I hold it all day and wait for you to come home? She's been in the playpen before when I'm not in the room." and his response was "Huh. I guess I never thought about what you do when I'm not here." It never occurred to him that life carried on and I was living while he was at work. He didn't SEE me doing it, so he just never thought about how it got done.
He stands there, frozen, and just stares at me. 
After a while, I got up to leave the room and he always follows me out (like he's security or something).
He finally made it across the tape, and then bolted down the stairs. 
