No tomorrow

[Beholder]

Hello my many Disney friends, both old and new, because regardless if I know you, I'm choosing to except you as friends. This is a simple thing I'm doing, it's therapeutic for me, it's just a coping need I guess. I have no social media presence other than here, so this is where I'll talk. I haven't been here in quite awhile, life has been chaotic this last couple of years.
On the last day of this year, at 2:42am, my 42 year old wife and mother of my daughter passed away. It was sudden and unexpected and the depth of my despair and sorrow for both my daughter, my family and myself is
overwhelming. I'm not looking for sympathy, I'm not looking for pity, I just want to express to each and everyone that reads this (and please pass it on) how important it is that the people you love and care about know exactly how you feel about them. Don't wait until it's convenient, don't wait until it's just part of the routine of your daily life, you reach out and tell them how your truly feel, how much their life has brought you happiness and joy. Our life together, like so many others, had its routines, had reached a point where we take for granted that there will be a tomorrow, that we'll always be around. I have no more tomorrows with my wife. I have no opportunity to tell her how deeply I cared for and loved her. I can't tell her I'm sorry for the insignificant things I argued about, I'll never have another chance to tell her that she made me a better, stronger, and ultimately happier person just because she actually loved me. The mother of my little girl is gone and my daughter is beating herself up with guilt over the typical problems of the complex mother-daughter relationship, she can't tell her she's sorry. I'm not sure how this new reality will work for me, I'm terrified, heartbroken, confused, helpless, angry, and a million other things I can't put into words, but please understand, the absolute worst thing I feel is the regret. There is nothing I can do about anything now, it's simply to late. So please do that thing, reach out, tell those around you what they mean, how much they mean, to you and the love you have for them. I implore you to do this, to do it often, because I have learned, in this case, for me, there is no tomorrow. I miss her so very, very much, and I'd give my life for just one minute to tell her how I truly felt about her. Just one minute.

 

[iHeartDisneylandCats]

.

 

[Nemo14]

I'm so saddened for your loss, and I totally understand what you're saying, but please don't beat yourself up with regrets. It serves no purpose and I'm sure she wouldn't want you or your daughter to feel that way. I know that we're all just basically strangers in cyber space, but we can "listen" and help each other through hard times, so feel free to vent . ((Hug))

 

[MinnieM123]

May I extend my sincerest condolences to your and your family. My heart goes out to you during this most difficult time. And I will honor your suggestion about letting those I love know that they are special to me. I think people often get caught up in the fast pace of life, and sometimes forget that we need to take the time to acknowledge the wonderful people in our lives. Thank you for reminding us just how important this is.

 

[Beholder]

Thank you guys so very much. Hearing words from "strangers" about my loss is so kind, it means so much. We bury her tomorrow and saying goodbye has such a different meaning now. Bless you guy guys, bless your families and keep one another safe.

 

[Disneyhead'71]

Unfortunately, I have no words that can ease your pain.

Just some caring advice. Eat, be sure that you and your daughter are eating. Either of you getting sick right now won't help anyone. And sleep when you can. Right now, "the night" is not your friend and sleep will seem impossible. When you find yourself going down the rabbit hole, get out of bed and distract yourself. Make coffee, read the news, pretty much anything but laying in bed in the dark. Cat naps during the day can really help for awhile.

The hardest part, is that you do have a tomorrow, and your daughter needs you now more than ever.

My sympathy and love to both you and your daughter.

 

[A W Reezy]

I'm so sorry this has happened. I know you said you don't have much of an online presence, but please feel free to PM me, or anyone else if you need to talk. You (and your daughter for that matter), don't need to be alone in this time of despair, and I'll be more than happy to communicate with you, even if it's just a simple "Hey, how are you?". Bless you, my man. And may your suffering ease as time goes on.

 

[epcotisbest]

I am so sorry for your loss and can't even begin to imagine the magnitude of your pain. I delayed replying hoping I could come up with some comforting, meaningful message that might help ease the hurt, but realized there is probably none.
I will tell you I have been through and still struggle with depression and it is a hard battle, but it is a battle you must face for your daughter. When you start thinking there is no tomorrow, remind yourself there is a tomorrow for her and she needs you.
I shared this with my wife and we will both be including you and your family in our prayers. Now mind you, sometimes I get to thinking maybe those prayers don't make it past the ceiling, but deep down I think they do.
I would say try not to lock yourself away in your grief. Get out and about, mingle and stay busy. It is important to not let the lonliness and grief get the best of you. It is easy to just tuck your head under the covers and avoid the world, but that is not a solution and this I can tell you from personal experience only makes the pain worse and I'm guessing right about now it is hard to imagine greater pain.
Peace and comfort to you during this most difficult time.

 

[Beholder]

Thank you all so much. Disney was/is an important part of our lives, knowing that this great outpouring of kindness from this Disney community would mean so, so much to her. And your thoughts, prayers, wishes and words are worth more than you all know. From the absolute bottom of my Heart, my daughter and me thank you. Bless you all.

 

[Nemo14]

Please know that we're here for you if you need us and we'll keep you and your daughter in our prayers.

 

[Beholder]

I am so sorry for your loss and can't even begin to imagine the magnitude of your pain. I delayed replying hoping I could come up with some comforting, meaningful message that might help ease the hurt, but realized there is probably none.
I will tell you I have been through and still struggle with depression and it is a hard battle, but it is a battle you must face for your daughter. When you start thinking there is no tomorrow, remind yourself there is a tomorrow for her and she needs you.
I shared this with my wife and we will both be including you and your family in our prayers. Now mind you, sometimes I get to thinking maybe those prayers don't make it past the ceiling, but deep down I think they do.
I would say try not to lock yourself away in your grief. Get out and about, mingle and stay busy. It is important to not let the lonliness and grief get the best of you. It is easy to just tuck your head under the covers and avoid the world, but that is not a solution and this I can tell you from personal experience only makes the pain worse and I'm guessing right about now it is hard to imagine greater pain.
Peace and comfort to you during this most difficult time.

Thank you, your thoughts about depression hit very close to home. My wife was cursed with a very deep depression, along with a multitude of physical, emotional, and psychological "demons". I don't speak of these things, I don't discuss the intimate details of her suffering, but I completely understand what you're saying, believe me. Her clinical diagnoses was a horrible list of sorrows. Her passsing was or wasn't a result of years of a never ending cycle of sickness, treatments, new medications, new treatments, numerous doctors and clinics, I will probably never know. You are absolutely correct about the insidious nature that makes depression so vile, it tells you nothing is worth doing, you will not enjoy life, living is hardly worth the trouble, and sometimes it convinces you it isn't. People who don't experience this, personally or through the suffering of a loved one, sometimes don't understand that. I'm actually happy that most people don't, that's a horrible condition I would wish on no one. And yes, I believe that I've grown older, understand things a bit differently, I without question believe that prayer gets "past the ceiling". I have a strange and sort of unconventional way of looking at the universe (s?) and creation and without getting religious or spiritual, I'm more certain as time goes by. My daughter is doing very well, our visitation was this evening and she did her parents proud. I've just realized I'm kind of rambling, today, this week is a blur that I can't escape and just putting these words out there helps me. Thank you, your words and prayers are so generous.

 

[Beholder]

Please know that we're here for you if you need us and we'll keep you and your daughter in our prayers.

Thank you so much, it means a great deal, reaching to a total stranger is such a kind thing, thank you.

 

[Beholder]

I am so sorry for your loss. Just reading your post, I could understand the emotions that you were feeling. I'm sure that I speak for everybody else here when I say that we are here for you.

You're kind to say these things, and we appreciate your thoughts. These emotions are so incredibly unreal for me, now I can't believe my heart will ever be whole again. It's a depth of sorrow I didn't think was actually possible. The crying is so unpredictable, I can't stop thinking about her, life without her is unimaginable.

 

[Beholder]

May I extend my sincerest condolences to your and your family. My heart goes out to you during this most difficult time. And I will honor your suggestion about letting those I love know that they are special to me. I think people often get caught up in the fast pace of life, and sometimes forget that we need to take the time to acknowledge the wonderful people in our lives. Thank you for reminding us just how important this is.

Thank you so much, conveying to others what they mean to you is so important. I can't stop thinking of all the things I want to say. I can't stop thinking of the regrets, the missed opportunities, the moments I could've been a little more patient or less hardheaded. I know she loved me, and she knew I loved her with all my being, but when time is gone, you dig up all these things that only serve to hurt. I'm working this out, I'm struggling, I'll get through this, my daughter still needs her father, but God help me, this is so incredibly horrific and the sadness is overwhelming. More than anything, thank you for allowing me to post, to write things I need to express, in a place that's actually quite personal to me. Thank you so much.

 

[Beholder]

I'm so sorry this has happened. I know you said you don't have much of an online presence, but please feel free to PM me, or anyone else if you need to talk. You (and your daughter for that matter), don't need to be alone in this time of despair, and I'll be more than happy to communicate with you, even if it's just a simple "Hey, how are you?". Bless you, my man. And may your suffering ease as time goes on.

Thank you, that's such a kind thing, I appreciate that offer so much, honestly, things like that remind us that even a total stranger has the capacity to help a fellow human being. Thank you

 

[Beholder]

Unfortunately, I have no words that can ease your pain.

Just some caring advice. Eat, be sure that you and your daughter are eating. Either of you getting sick right now won't help anyone. And sleep when you can. Right now, "the night" is not your friend and sleep will seem impossible. When you find yourself going down the rabbit hole, get out of bed and distract yourself. Make coffee, read the news, pretty much anything but laying in bed in the dark. Cat naps during the day can really help for awhile.

The hardest part, is that you do have a tomorrow, and your daughter needs you now more than ever.

My sympathy and love to both you and your daughter.

Thank you, you are speaking nothing but truth about the eating and sleeping. I've often associated food or eating with others as a good thing, something "pleasurable", and I find joy in very little now. I make myself eat, so I don't get sick or collapse, but it's an act of pure necessity now. And sleeping. I'm totally exhausted today, going to a cemetery and deciding where to bury my wife, visitation for three hours of what seemed like and endless line of outpouring of love and sympathy, comforting my daughter, my parents, my wife's family, friends, I should be totally asleep by now, but I can't seem to stop thinking of things I "have" to do. And sleeping will not be the same again. Her little dog, Levi, keeps looking for her, it breaks my heart even more, he sleeps by my side now. I'm trying, I'm hanging in there, so thank you, believe me, this has all helped me. It's all connected, we, life, meaning, love, it's all a strange pattern that I know is there, but I don't see the entirety of what I'm supposed to see. I just it's there. Thank you so much.

 

[Nemo14]

thinking of you today... I know it's going to be a tough one. ((Hug))

 

[epcotisbest]

Be strong. Extra prayers coming your way today.

 

[ajrwdwgirl]

So sorry for your family's loss. Your message is an important one, it is important to share our feelings with our loved ones because we never know. One thing to remember as we think about the things we could've done or could've said is that those people loved us as much as we loved them and that is what matters.

 

[Beholder]

I don't have the words to describe the entirety of yesterday. Her funeral was the hardest thing I've ever been through, at the same time I was relieved this portion of closure is done and I hate myself for it. My wife suffered deeply in her later years, and some of our dear friends from those ealrlier days reminded me of just how "alive" she was, vibrant, fun, daring and my willing partner in mischief. She found joy and fun in everything. For the last decade, especially the last 7-5 years, those things had all but disappeared. Her love of her daughter, myself and family never diminished, but it was difficult for her find joy. Our last trip to the World was over July 4th of 2016. We just did Epcot, Disney Springs and did a little looking around at a few geek shops off property. It was just us three, and it was such a wonderful little trip. I only live 5-6 hours drive away, so it was easier to get away. We wanted the MK but my wife had a difficult time enough with crowds, so the 4th + MK didn't seem like a good idea. We had started planning a return. Though it wasn't quite finished, Disney springs, we thought, was lovely, so for me, it will be perfect. She loved all the little shops and the Disney shops and just exploring them with us, so, in my eyes, DS can't be anything but perfect. The very first visit she ever had to the World was in late 95', and she was pregnant with my daughter, and thank God I have photos of us together while there. It's things like that, that matter so much, being able to remember the ball of energy she was, how much joy she found in things, her willingness to put herself out there and live "in the moment". So much of that had vanished, remembering that she was in fact so very different has helped me so much. I found our wedding book the morning of her funeral. She had wrote down, almost twenty four and a half years ago (yes, we married young) every detail of our wedding, the cakes, flowers, guest, food, length of engagement, and the thing that hit me the hardest was she had written down the details of my proposal to her. Things I had forgotten, that I actually carried her out of my car and sat her on the back. We were young, no money, and I didn't know much, but I knew that beyond reason or anything else, I wanted to spend my days with her, in a box, a tent, in my car, I didn't care, because up until the day she died, she was my home. And that's killing me. Thank you, those of you who choose to read this. It's a personal thing, and it's not very "magical" considering where I'm posting these things, but being able to put these things down and getting these kind words back from you guys has been immeasurable in its value. I love hearing from family and friends, but being able to express my grief and things I'm going through with "strangers" helps me in ways I didn't realize. One of the things I've always believed, but now know more than I ever have, is that family is love. Blood ties us physically, bur we all know that doesn't always mean family. Love, unconditional love, that only true friends and devoted family can give, make up our true family. So, in a strange way, I can't put it into words, I consider this site, and it's many personalities a sort of family, that anonymous Disney group of people who share a love of the World, and my wife shared that love, so in my own way of seeing things, that makes you all another family. Thank you, everyone, from the absolute depths of my broken heart, I love you for being so kind, and allowing me to express my grief.