Cranium Command Script

[WondersOfLife]

General Knowledge: <blustery and LOUD> All right, you pitiful, soft-bellied sad sacks, eyes front and listen up! I'm your commanding officer, General Knowledge. And it's my job to turn you mealy-mouthed meatheads into a crack squadron of Cranium Commandos. Your job - if you can cut it - will be to run the most sophisticated information system ever devised: the human brain. You! There in the back! Suck in that gut and wipe that smile off your face! The brain is serious business. Now, listen up, you miserable toads! This is your brain. <we see an illustration of a brain> You will eat with it, sleep with it, you will never leave it! Without you, the brain is nothing. Without your brain, you are nothing! It took three million years of research and development to make this lean, mean thinkin' machine what it is today. In those years, we had some successes <we see a photo of Albert Einstein> and some failures <we see a photo of Jim Varney as Ernest>, and if you meatballs can't fly right, you'll wind up piloting one of these. <we see a chicken> Do I make myself clear!?
Recruits: Yes sir!
General Knowledge: I can't heeeear you!
Recruits: YES SIR!!
General Knowledge: That's better. A brain is divided into two halves, the right and the left.
Buzzy: <a small, bespectacled recruit, coming in late and trying to find a seat> Excuse me, uh ... heheh ... sorry. Heheheh.
General Knowledge: You!
Buzzy: Me, sir?
General Knowledge: No, your mama! Yes, you! Get up here on the double! Move it, move it, move it! What's your name, recruit?
Buzzy: Buzzy, sir!
General Knowledge: You think you're ready to pilot a brain, Fuzzy?
Buzzy: That's Buzzy, sir. Oh yes! You just let me in the control pa -
General Knowledge: Quiet! Do you know that the brain can process up to three million bytes of information per second?
Buzzy: Uh ... why you, sir -
General Knowledge: I don't think you've got the <garbled> to care. I don't think you understand the amount of concentration and commitment it takes to run this lovely unit. Just look at you! You're a disgrace! Does your mother still dress you, boy?
Buzzy: Well, yes sir.
General Knowledge: Don't talk when I'm shouting!! Drop and give me twenty!
Buzzy: Sir! Yes sir! <does as instructed>
General Knowledge: Where was I? Oh ... yes. Your brain is divided into two halves. The left brain handles the linear thinking: analysis, logic. The right brain is the creative center, home of the emotions and imagination. From the command seat, here in the cortex, you'll run the whole shebang. Any questions? <Every hand in the auditorium goes up.> No? Good! <Warning beepers sound.> All right, you chickens, this is it. Let's scramble. On the double! Move it, move it, move it! <All the recruits step on Buzzy in their haste to follow the General's orders.> What now, Scuzzy? Takin' a nap? Get your in gear and hustle!
Buzzy: Sir! Yes ... sir!
A military-type chant is heard, like something the Marines would sing on a long march.
Chant:
Little women, little men,
Tucked inside your cra-ni-um!
We're the ones that make you go.
Cranium Comma-andos!
We see many different human heads. Each head opens up at the top, and a Cranium Commando will step in to pilot that brain.
Buzzy: <singing> Little women and little men -
General Knowledge: Blinky, you leadfoot, if you moved any slower you'd be going backwards! Putting you in a chicken is cruelty to animals! I'm gonna stick you in a squid, a lumpfish, a talk show host! Now get in line. Move it, move it, move it!
Soldier: Ten-Hut!
General Knowledge: Here's your assignments, so listen up! Sicto!
Sicto: Sir!
General Knowledge: You drew a rocket scientist. Ha! Sicto, if your brains were dynamite, you couldn't blow your nose! Take off!
Sicto: Sir, thank you, sir!
General Knowledge: Trousdale! Can you walk and chew gum at the same time?
Trousdale: Never tried, sir!
General Knowledge: I'd like to know how HQ picked you for this job, Trousdale. With a dart board?! That's your NFL All Pro runnin' back over there! Now get outta my sight!
Trousdale: Sir! Thank you, sir!
Buzzy: Uh, General Knowledge, sir? You didn't give me an assignment yet, sir.
General Knowledge: Oh no! This has gotta be a sick joke! So, goldbrick, you wanna pilot a brain, huh?
Buzzy: Yes sir!
General Knowledge: Well, some gen-i-us at HQ has picked you to pilot the most unstable craft in the fleet!
Buzzy: You - you don't mean -
General Knowledge: You guessed it, Stinky. An adolescent boy. This particular model is twelve years old. Very unpredictable.
Buzzy: Don't worry, sir! I can haaa-aaaa <falls> Don't worry, sir. <chuckles> I can - I can handle it.
General Knowledge: You couldn't find your head with both hands and a flashlight! Sweet blue yonder, where do they get these knuckleheads? And why do they always wind up in my outfit?
Flight Control: Roger, twelve-year-old, all clear for takeoff on delta one niner tango. All clear. Over.
General Knowledge: <to the audience> Hey, you goldbricks, this ain't a spectator sport! Where do you think you are, Disney World??!! Get your strollers in line and hustle! On the double! Move it, move it, move it!
Cast Member: All right, recruits, please look down and watch your step as you enter the theater through the doors to your left. Have a great day. ​

MAIN SHOW​

The main theater has rows of bench seats facing a staging area. Captain Buzzy is an animatronic figure now. He is seated at the command center, inside the brain of Bobby, the twelve-year-old "unstable craft." There are two screens that will serve as Bobby's eyes. We will see what he sees. There are various other screens where members of the body crew will be shown throughout the presentation. ​

 

[WondersOfLife]

General Knowledge: All right recruits, let's pick a row and move all the way to the end. Let's go. Move on! Are you waiting for your mamas to seat you?! Walk swiftly, do not run! Move it! Let's try not to look like a bunch of tourists! Squeeze all the way ... all the way to the end, and I don't want to see any open spaces. This isn't rocket science, people. That's better. Good! Now you've got it. We may make Cranium Commandos outta you yet.
Cast Member: And welcome to the command center. Everybody ready to take a journey today? All right, good deal. In just a few moments, we're going to turn it over to Captain Buzzy, but the General's got a few more instructions. One of the instructions I'm going to give you is that we ask that you remain seated throughout this performance. That's for your safety and the safety of those around you. I'll let the General talk. He likes to talk a lot more than I do, so I don't want to steal his thunder.
Military music plays.
General Knowledge: Now listen up! This training exercise will require your utmost attention and concentration. Therefore, distractions must be kept to a minimum. Understood? There will be no flash photography or videotaping, and no smoking in here. Got it? And absolutely no drinking or eating, either. That is all, recruits. At ease!
Cast Member: I'm going to turn it over now. We're going to go back to reality, and turn it over to Captain Buzzy here, who's going to take you through the day of a twelve-year-old. Are you ready? All right, here we go. Captain Buzzy, take it away.
Buzzy: Gee, it sure is dark in here. There's gotta be a light around here somewhere. Ah! This oughtta do it.
static, then General Knowledge appears on a screen
Buzzy: Whoa!
General Knowledge: All right, pinhead, listen up. Your job is to pilot this craft through a typical day's maneuvers without overstressing it. Remember, use your head, don't lose your head. I got my eye on you, Fuzzy. Screw up this mission and you'll be piloting a chicken 'til your retirement day. Got that?!
static, then General Knowledge disappears
Buzzy: Uh, yes sir. Guess I better get this show on the road. Okay crew, report in. Left Brain, Right Brain! Come in, please.
Hypothalamus: <in a bored, Ben Stein-like monotone> Yes, Captain? Did you call?
Buzzy: Uh, no. I ... guess I just pressed the wrong button.
Hypothalamus: It figures. No one ever wants to talk to me.
Buzzy: Who are you, anyway?
Hypothalamus: I'm only the hypothalamus. I only monitor all the automatic functions of the body. All the things you don't need to worry about. I'm used to being taken for granted. Blink, blink, breathe, breathe, day in, day out. Never a "Thank you," never a "Job well done."
Buzzy: Gee, I'm sorry. I had no idea. Hey, wait a minute. What're all these things?
Hypothalamus: Dreams, sir. You're in the sleep mode. You should've had this in class.
Buzzy: Hmmm. Looks pretty simple ...
The alarm goes off to a radio station set to loud rock music, and Bobby opens his eyes. We can see his room.
Buzzy: Whoa! Whoa! What's going on?! What's happening?! Whoa! Oh, the alarm clock. Eyes, find the clock! Arms, hit it, hit it!
Bobby shuts off the alarm.
Buzzy: <sigh of relief> Ahhh. Well, I guess we're awake now, huh? Good morning, guys.
Left Brain: <always businesslike and efficient> Morning, Captain. Left Brain reporting for duty, sir. Logic circuits working at full capacity. Let's have a safe and sane day, shall we?
Buzzy: Roger, Left Brain.
Right Brain: <a groovy Flower Child> Right brain here, Buzz! Free association and creativity banks fully charged.
Buzzy: Roger, dude.
Left Ventricle: <the body-building Franz from "Saturday Night Live"> Heart reporting, Captain. Left ventricle ...
Right Ventricle: <and his partner Hans> Right Ventricle!
Both Left and Right Ventricles: We are on ... and pumping!
Adrenaline: <perpetually frazzled and hyper> Adrenal Gland reporting, Captain. Ready to freak out at any second!
Buzzy: Not now, please.
Stomach: <imagine Norm from "Cheers" at The Hungry Heifer Restaurant> Stomach reporting, Captain. Runnin' on empty down here. Suppose you could toss down some of those cold pizza crusts from last night? You could just, you know -
Bobby's Mother: Bobby, aren't you up yet? The bus'll be here any second.
Bobby: Okay, Mom, I'm up.
Buzzy: Okay, guys, we're running a little late. Legs, swing over forty-five degrees and extend peds. Head for the door. Walk vector ten.
Left Brain: Going to school stark naked, are we? Puh-lease!
We can see Bobby's reflection in the mirror, from the waist up, and he's not wearing any clothes.
Buzzy: Whoa! Quick! Let's find some clothes. There's gotta be something in here. Ah, good, pants. Uh, shirt's still okay, it's only been worn a couple of days. Shoes. All right, we're outta here.
Left Brain: Aren't we forgetting some ... functions?
Buzzy: Uh ... Elimination, give me a reading!
Elimination: Uh, bladder reading at 9.9, sir.
Buzzy: We can hold it.
Elimination: <Gets a horrified look and mouths "No! No!">
Buzzy: Full speed ahead!
Left Brain: I can see you're going to put us all under a bit of a strain today.
Stomach: Captain, I know we're in a hurry, but this puppy's starting to growl down here, ya know what I mean?
Buzzy: I hear you, Stomach. Looks like we've got breakfast dead ahead. Let's chow down.
Bobby's mother has prepared a huge breakfast for him.
Right Brain: Guys! Let's go for the dessert!
A horn is heard outside.
Bobby's Sister: Hey, Smarty-Pants, the bus is here.
Stomach: Could've sworn I heard something about breakfast.
The bus honks twice more.
Adrenaline: The bus!!
Buzzy: Run for it!
Bobby proceeds to run like crazy toward the bus, dodging traffic.
Man: Whoa! Bobby, would you watch where you're going?
Another Man: Hey kid! Get off my car!
Buzzy: It's getting away! Quick! Take a shortcut.
Left Brain: Planning an alternate route to school, sir. Memory indicates the presence of a small, rabid poodle -
Poodle: Bark! Bark! Bark!
Buzzy: Whoa! Watch out! Back up!
Adrenaline: I see it! Step on it! Step on it!
Buzzy: Quick! Cut through here.
Bobby detours through a neighbor's house, passing a lady in her laundry room.
Right Ventricle: Heart reporting, Captain, we are pumping!
Left Ventricle: Ja, but we're really low on energy.
Right Ventricle: What are you going to do about it?
Buzzy: Stomach, we need fuel! Do you read?
Stomach: No can do, Captain. Remember that breakfast we didn't have?
Hypothalamus: Blood sugar is falling.
Left Brain: You have exactly two seconds to get to class.
Bobby is rushing through the school building.
Buzzy: Cut to the right! Turn! <Bobby enters the Chemistry lab just as the bell rings, and Buzzy breathes a sigh of relief.> There's our desk.
Chemistry Teacher: Okay, my little ... monsters. Let's create.
Annie: Excuse me. Looks like we're gonna be lab partners.
Right Brain: Yes!
Left Ventricle: Heart reporting, Captain. We have just skipped a beat.
Right Ventricle: Ja, what is going on up there?
Buzzy: She's beautiful!
Annie: Um, I'm new here. My name's Annie. What's yours?
Buzzy: Uh ... say something.
Bobby: Uh ... B-b-beautiful. I mean, Bobby.
Sensory Report: Contact. 6.5, Captain.
Annie: Okay, Bobby. I'll measure; you mix. Left Brain: Careful, careful. Some of these compounds are not entirely stable.
Right Brain: I feel like an unstable compound whenever we look at her. This must be chemistry.
Left Brain: Concentrate! This could be dangerous.
Buzzy: Just imagine ...
Song: Hey Venus, oh Venus, make my wish come true ...
Annie: Bobby, watch out!
Buzzy: Whoa! Hands, get outta there! Feet! Stomp it! Stomp it! Put it out!
Left Brain: See? You put us in an explosive situation!
Adrenaline: I've never had to work this hard in my life.
Right Ventricle: Ja, what a loser Captain we have.
Left Ventricle: Yeah, you're a pathetic girly-man.
Right Ventricle: You're a girly-man, loser, and pathetic.
Stomach: Say now, Captain, I'd be willing to call it even if you could just toss a little bit of food into the old dumpster. Whaddya say?
By this time, Bobby has left Chemistry class, and it is now lunchtime.
Buzzy: Okay, guys, this time we'll eat. I promise. <sees Annie in the cafeteria line> Wow, look. There she is.
Annie: Oh, hi.
Two bullies walk up to Annie.
Rico: Hey look, Chad, it's the new girl.
Chad: She needs some company, huh, Rico?
They begin messing up the food on Annie's tray.
Annie: Come on, you guys ...
Buzzy: We've gotta help her!
Right Brain: We'll rescue her! We'll swing in on a vine, and take her to a desert island!
Left Brain: Nonsense. We'll simply explain to these ruffians the lasting negative ramifications of their delinquent behavioral tendencies.
Buzzy: Okay, you take the helm, Left Brain.
Left Brain: All right, Bobby, address them.
Bobby: Ahem! Come now, gentlemen. I'm sure I needn't point out the negative impact in both social and academic dimensions of your Neanderthal tactics.
The bullies turn their attention toward Bobby, grab him, and Adrenaline begins freaking out.
Bobby: I should point out that this will reflect very poorly on your citizenship record, and it'll look bad when you're not studying at the college of your choice!
The bullies throw Bobby into a trash can.
Right Brain: You've got to give me a chance for revenge!
Buzzy: Okay, Right Brain, go!
Bobby grabs something from the trash can and thrusts it into Chad's face. The food fight rapidly escalates.
Right Brain: Ramming speed!
Buzzy: Look out! Yeah, duck! Duck!
Adrenaline: FOOD FIGHT!!
Hypothalamus: I suppose you'll be wanting reflex dodge maneuvers, sensors on hypervigilence, and endorphin pain suppressors on maximum.
Right Brain: Give me some action!
Stomach: Hey Buzz! As long as you're tossing all that food around, why don't you toss some down here, eh?
Buzzy: All right, Stomach, here you go, a burger with everything on it.
Stomach: <screams> Alleluliah! <garbled>
Sensory Report: <garbled>
Buzzy: Watch it! Milk cartons launching, sector 4-D!
Right Brain: That's whole milk, too! These guys are serious!
Stomach: Who took the bite out of it?
Sensory Report: Reload! Reload!
Buzzy: Incoming lasagna at five o'clock. Dive! Dive! <garbled> Going down!
static, and General Knowledge appears onscreen
General Knowledge: What the devil is going on, Drunky? Your job is to protect this body from unnecessary stress, not send it into a coma!
Buzzy: Well, the Left Brain wanted - but then the Adrenal Gland said - and the -
General Knowledge: You can't just listen to every fool thing that comes into your head. That's why there's chaos in this body. Make decisions! Get this crew working together! You're just begging to pilot this chicken, aren't you, boy? <holds up a chicken>
Buzzy: Y-yes, sir. I - I mean no, sir!
General Knowledge: I'm warning you, Skunky!
Chicken: Cluck!
static, and General Knowledge disappears
Buzzy: I've gotta get my act together here. Okay, I'll do better. I'll use my head. He'll be proud of me. All right. Hands, wipe the eyes, please.
Bobby wipes the food off his eyes, and sees a teacher standing in front of him, covered with food.
Teacher: Well, young man, perhaps a trip to the Principal's office will straighten you out.
Buzzy: Lose audio, I get the idea.
Right Brain: We're gonna get the salt mines, I tell ya! The curtain! The big house! Maybe even prison!
Principal's voice: <to the two bullies> Six weeks detention. Out!
Bobby passes the bullies on his way into the Principal's office. They glare at him.
Right Brain: Six weeks?! Oh no. It'll be an eternity.
Stomach: How 'bout a last meal? Uh, it's kinda traditional.
Bobby is now in Principal Hardcase's office.
Principal: Right. And what's your side of this?
Buzzy: Uh, stall for time. Shuffle feet. Uh, wring hands.
Left Brain: We'll probably be put on suspension for this. We can kiss Harvard good-bye. No job. No upwardly mobile lifestyle. I hope you're proud of yourself, young man. You obviously have no need for logic whatsoever. Thank you so much, and good night.
Lungs: Lungs reporting, sir! We're hyperventilating! Batten down the bronchial tubes!
Left Brain: I recommend a brown paper bag.
Hypothalamus: CO2 is dropping fast.
Right Brain: Oh, I'm feelin' really light-headed, man.
Left Ventricle: Listen to us now and believe us later. If we were 30 years older, we'd be attacking you right now.
Right Ventricle: Ja, if we live that long.
Adrenaline: Aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaagh!
Stomach: Sorry, Captain. We can't take much more of this. I'm gonna have to send some back up. <begins to toss food back up>
Buzzy: No, don't! Seal all exits! Seal all exits!
static, and General Knowledge appears onsceen
General Knowledge: What in blazes are you up to now?!
Buzzy: I might as well say good-bye now, sir. They're gonna burn as at the stake and send our ashes to Siberia.
General Knowledge: Nonsense, Pinky. You're just worrying yourself sick. Real stress or imagined stress, it doesn't matter beans to your body crew. They can't tell the difference, only you can. Take charge, lunkhead! Be calm, cool, collected, serene, balanced, centered, and relaxed. Like ME!!
static, and General Knowledge disappears
Buzzy: Now hear this! Quiet!! Look, guys, this isn't the end of the world, okay? Now let's cooperate for once. Left Brain?
Left Brain: Yes sir?
Buzzy: Give me the bottom line.
Left Brain: Run.
Buzzy: Right Brain?
Right Brain: Do what you really feel.
Buzzy: I've got a solution that covers both. We're going to tell the truth.
Bobby: I'm sorry, Mr. Hardcase. When I saw those guys bugging Annie, I - I guess I just lost my head.
Principal: I think we can be a little lenient here. Why don't you just help the janitor clean up the cafeteria after school?
Bobby: Really? Boy, thank you, sir. Thanks a lot.
Principal: Right, right, right. Get outta here. Go on.
Left Brain: Well done, Buzzy: Wonderfully logical.
Right Brain: It felt <garbled>. It was beautiful.
Buzzy: Yeah, we're starting to get the hang of it now. What with a little teamwork, we'll become invincible.
Sensory Report: Warning! Warning! You've been tapped on the shoulder. Warning! Warning!
Adrenaline: It's a ghost!!!!
Buzzy: Adrenaline, would you chill out?! You're getting everybody all worked up. Just keep cool, guys, and stand by for instructions. Come full about.
Bobby turns around and sees Annie.
Annie: Hi Bobby.
Bobby: <sigh of relief>
Annie: Look, um, I just wanted to thank you for helping me out with those guys who were hassling me.
Buzzy: No sweat.
Bobby: No sweat.
Annie: You were like ... pretty neat.
Buzzy: Golly, she likes us.
Right Ventricle: Captain, we are having a sudden burst of energy.
Left Ventricle: Ja, we are feeling young at heart.
Stomach: Hey, who ordered the butterflies?
Right Brain: Ooh man, she's cute. Just look at the way her eyes glisten in that fluorescent tube lighting.
Left Brain: Oh, let's not start daydreaming again. Let's do something constructive.
Buzzy: Tell you what. We'll ask her out.
Left Brain: Bold move, sir.
Bobby: Maybe we could go out sometime after school, like maybe to the mall or something?
Annie: Okay. That'd be great. Thanks again, Bobby. <smiles at Bobby, kisses him, and walks away with glee>
wild applause and cheers from the crew members, and General Knowledge appears onscreen
General Knowledge: Outstanding, recruit! Look after your body crew, and they'll serve you well. Congratulations. You are now a full-fledged member of the Cranium Command! I'm proud of you, boy!
Buzzy: Thanks, General! I never could've done it without everyone's help. This is one first rate crew.
Hypothalamus: No need to thank me, sir. I don't do it for the glory. It's just my function.
General Knowledge: Well, Chicken, what're we gonna do about a pilot for you?
Chicken: Cluck! I don't need one. I'm going into politics.
General Knowledge: Heh. Politics. So long, Buzzy! Keep up the good work!
static, and General Knowledge disappears
Right Brain: Let's hear it for Captain Buzzy!
All: Hip, hip, hooray!
Buzzy: Now remember, gang. If you get stressed out, just call on your general knowledge, balance your body crew, and get your cranium under command. Use your head, don't lose your head. You need it! You'll be flying in no time ... as a member of the Cranium Command! Bye!
Hypothalamus: On behalf of the Cranium Commandos, Metropolitan Life, and the Walt Disney Company, thank you for volunteering for Cranium Command. Please gather your belongings and exit the command center through the doors on your left. ... Madame, you forgot your child. Oh. That's your husband. I'm very sorry. I mean that. ​

Disclaimer: It's General Knowledge that the above attraction is the property of the Walt Disney Company. ​

-WondersOfLife

The last original pavilion :king: