Post your jokes here!

I got this in an email.... Hope you like it! :lol:

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I left Montreal heading toward Quebec city, when I decided
to stop at a comfort station. The first stall was occupied,
so I went into the second one. I was no sooner seated than
I heard a voice from the next stall:

"Hi, how are you doing?"

Well, I am not the type to chat with strangers in highway
comfort stations, and I really don't know quite what pos-
sessed me, but anyway, I answered, a little embarrassed:

"Not bad."

And the stranger said: "And, what are you up to?"

Talk about your dumb questions! I was really beginning to
think this was too weird! So I said:

"Well, just like you I'm driving east."

Then, I heard the stranger, all upset, say, "Look, I'll call
you back, there's some idiot in the next stall answering all
the questions I am asking you."

and another one! I´m bored tonight, so I´m going through my emails! sorry!

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THE GEOGRAPHY OF A WOMAN
Between 18 and 20 a woman is like Africa, half discovered, half
wild, naturally beautiful with fertile deltas.

Between 21 and 30 a woman is like America, well developed and
open to trade especially for someone with cash.

Between 31 and 35 she is like India, very hot, relaxed and
convinced of her own beauty.

Between 36 and 40 a woman is like France. Gently aging but still
a warm and desirable place to visit.

Between 41 and 50 she is like Yugoslavia, lost the war - haunted
by past mistakes. Massive reconstruction is now necessary.

Between 51 and 60, she is like Russia, very wide and borders are
unpatrolled. The frigid climate keeps people away.

Between 61 and 70, a woman is like Mongolia, with a glorious and
all conquering past but alas, no future.

After 70, they become Afghanistan. Most everyone knows where it
is, but no one wants to go there.

THE GEOGRAPHY OF A MAN

Between 15 and 70 a man is like Iraq - ruled by a d ick.

LMAO!! I liked the first one the most!!
~ Justin...

....and one more!

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A first grade class had a homework assignment
to find out about something exciting and relate
it to the class the next day. The first little
boy called upon walked up to the front of the
class, and with a piece of chalk, made a small
white dot on the blackboard, then sat back down.
Puzzled, the teacher asked him just what it was.
"It's a period," said the little boy. "Well, I can
see that," she said, "but what is so exciting about
a period?" Damned if I know," said the little boy,
"but this morning my sister was missing one, Dad
had a heart attack, Mom fainted, and the man next
door shot himself."

Those are great Maria!!:lol: I must know 1000 jokes but I can't think of a single one right now! Seems about right, I'm so empty-headed lately.

Keep 'em comin funny woman!:wave:

OMG! Your old avatar is back!!! :sohappy: :lol: :lol: The one that started all this avatar fever! hahaha :lol:

I´m actually waiting for some more jokes! Come on... remember some! :animwink:

#1

Little Johnny walks into a pharmacy and brings a box of tampons to the register.
The cashier looks at the boy and says, "Hi. Are these for your mom?"

Little Johnny thinks for a moment and says, "Umm, no."

The cashier says, "Oh. Then they're for your sister?"

Little Johnny says, "Naw."

The cashier, now a bit curious, says, "Oh. Then they must be for your granny!"

Little Johnny says, "Nope."

The cashier is now really confused. Finally she asks, "Well, what are you going to do with them?"

Little Johnny says, "Well, I'm not sure yet. But on TV, they said if I buy these I can go fishing and swimming and horseback riding!"

#2 Alligator Shoes

A young blonde was on vacation in the depths of Louisiana. She wanted a pair of genuine alligator shoes in the worst way, but was very reluctant to pay the high prices the local vendors were asking.
After becoming very frustrated with the "no haggle" attitude of one of the shopkeepers, the blonde shouted, "Maybe I'll just go out and catch my own alligator so I can get a pair of shoes at a reasonable price!"

The shopkeeper said, "By all means, be my guest. Maybe you'll luck out and catch yourself a big one!"

Determined, the blonde turned and headed for the swamps, set on catching herself an alligator.

Later in the day, the shopkeeper was driving home, when he spotted the young woman standing waist deep in the water, shotgun in hand. Just then, he saw a huge 9-foot alligator swimming quickly toward her. She took aim, killed the creature, and with a great deal of effort hauled it on to the swamp bank.

Lying nearby were several more of the dead creatures. The shopkeeper watched in amazement. Just then the blonde flipped the alligator on its back, and frustrated, shouted out, "Damn it, this one isn't wearing any shoes either!"

#3 50 Things To Do in An Elevator

1. Make race car noises when anyone gets on or off.
2. Blow your nose and offer to show the contents of your tissue to other passengers.
3. Grimace painfully while smacking your forehead and muttering, "Shut up, dammit, all of you just shut UP!"
4. Whistle the first seven notes of 'It's a Small World' incessantly.
5. Sell Girl Scout cookies.
6. On a long ride, crash from side to side as if you're on rough seas.
7. Shave. (Especially if you're a woman.)
8. Crack open your briefcase or purse, and while peering inside, ask: "Got enough air in there?"
9. Offer name tags to everyone getting on the elevator. Wear yours upside-down.
10. Stand silent and motionless in the corner, facing the wall, without getting off.
11. When arriving at your floor, grunt and strain to yank the doors open, then act embarrassed when they open by themselves.
12. Lean over to another passenger and whisper: "Noogie patrol coming!"
13. Greet everyone getting on the elevator with a warm handshake and ask them to call you, "Admiral".
14. One word: Flatulence!
15. On the highest floor, hold the door open and demand that it stay open until you hear the penny you dropped down the shaft go "plink" at the bottom.
16. Do Tai Chi exercises.
17. Stare, grinning, at another passenger for a while, and then announce, "I've got new socks on!"
18. When at least 8 people have boarded, moan from the back, "Oh, not now. Damn motion sickness!"
19. Give religious literature to each passenger.
20. Meow occasionally.
21. Bet the other passengers you can fit a quarter in your nose.
22. Frown and mutter "Gotta go, gotta go," then sigh and say, "oops!"
23. Show other passengers a wound and ask if it looks infected.
24. Sing, "Mary Had a Little Lamb," while continually pushing buttons.
25. Holler, "Chutes away!" whenever the elevator descends.
26. Walk on with a cooler that says "human head" on the side.
27. Stare at another passenger for a while, then announce, "You're one of THEM!" and move to the far corner of the elevator.
28. Burp, and then say "Mmmm...tasty!"
29. Leave a box between the doors.
30. Ask each passenger getting on if you can push the button for them.
31. Wear a puppet on your hand and make it talk to the other passengers.
32. Start a sing-along.
33. When the elevator is silent, look around and ask, "Is that your beeper?"
34. Play the harmonica.
35. Shadow box.
36. Say, "Ding!" at each floor.
37. Lean against the button panel.
38. Say, "I wonder what all these do," and push the red buttons.
39. Listen to the elevator walls with a stethoscope.
40. Draw a little square on the floor with chalk and announce to the other passengers that this is your "personal space".
41. Bring a chair along.
42. Take a bite of a sandwich and ask another passenger: "Wanna see wha in muh mouf?"
43. Blow spit bubbles.
44. Pull your gum out of your mouth in long strings.
45. Announce in a demonic voice: "I must find a more suitable host body."
46. Carry a blanket and clutch it protectively.
47. Make explosion noises when anyone presses a button.
48. Wear "X-Ray Specs" and leer suggestively at other passengers.
49. Stare at your thumb and say, "I think it's getting larger."
50. If anyone brushes against you, recoil and holler, "Bad touch!"

Those are all the ones i know lol.. I like the elevator one the best...

~ Justin... POST MORE PEOPLE!!!!!!!

I could post my 400 Ways to know you've been in band too long, but that would only be funny to me hehehe

Justin- Just to let ya know, me and my friends are gonna do some of those on our trip this week, lol, Thanks! :sohappy:

I have one. Bye the way, before I start, Maria, I never noticed that you winked in your avatar.


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A man walks into a drug store and tells the clerk that he wants some rectum deodorant. The clerk said "We don't sell that here. I don't think we ever sold that." The man says, "Yes you do, I bought it the other day." The clerk than told the man that if he was so sure, he could show the container to him. The man did. The clerk said,"That’s not rectum deodorant"The man then says,"Yes it is. Look, it says push up on bottom."

Just browsing

Ok I have one, but lets see if I remember all of it


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A woman walks into a nice rug store. While she was browsing around, she has the sudden urge to fart. So as she touches a really nice oriental rug, she blows a really loud fart. Two seconds later, a salesman came up to her and said, "Woud you like some help?" She replied, "Yes I would. How much would this Oriental rug be?" So he said, "Lady, you farted just touching it. You would really s*** if you found out the price."

LOL!! :lol: Good ones guys and girl! Please keep them coming! :lol:

One more from my files!

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A preacher was telling his congregation that anything they could
think of, old or new, was discussed somewhere in the Bible and that the entirety of the human experience could be found there.

After the service, he was approached by a woman who said,
"Preacher, I don't believe the Bible mentions PMS."
The preacher replied that he was sure it must be there somewhere and that he would look for it.

The following week after the service, the preacher called the woman aside and showed her a passage which read,...
"...And Mary rode Joseph's all the way to Bethlehem."

:animwink:

This once won a joke contest on the radio
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What did the farmer say when he couldn't find his tractor?
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"Where's my tractor?"
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:lol:

Why did the chicken cross the road?






















































































To get to the other side, of course!! Why did you waste your time scrolling?? :veryconfu :lol:

Originally posted by grizzlyhall
Why did the chicken cross the road?






















































































To get to the other side, of course!! Why did you waste your time scrolling?? :veryconfu :lol:

Click to expand...

No, it was to show the possum it couldn't be done

:lol: :lol: :lol: :lol:

Why did the chicken not cross the road?











































































I don't know. You wasted your time again...