Deep Thoughts

CaptainMichael · May 8, 2006

This is a thread paying tribute to Deep Thoughts originated by comedian/philosopher Jack Handey. Post your favorites, or come up with your own random, thought provoking, laugh inducing thoughts.

"As the light changed from red to green to yellow and back to red again, I sat there thinking about life. Was it nothing more than a bunch of honking and yelling? Sometimes it seemed that way."-Jack Handey

maggiegrace1 · May 8, 2006

If you get invited to your first orgy, don't just show up nude. That's a common mistake. You have to let nudity "happen."
Jack Handey

CaptainMichael · May 8, 2006

"After I die, wherever my spirit goes, I'm going to try to get back and visit my skeleton at least once a year, because, "Hey, old buddy, how's it going?"-Jack Handey

maggiegrace1 · May 8, 2006

"Instead of a trap door, what about a trap window? The guy looks out it, and if he leans too far, he falls out. Wait. I guess that's like a regular window" - Jack Handey

CaptainMichael · May 8, 2006

"A man doesn't automatically get my respect. He has to get down in the dirt and beg for it. "-Jack Handey

maggiegrace1 · May 8, 2006

Broken promises don't upset me. I just think, why did they believe me?" Jack handey

" Better not take a dog on the space shuttle, because if he sticks his head out when you're coming home his face might burn up."Jack Handey

CaptainMichael · May 8, 2006

Should have called this the Michael and Dana Thread....

"Blow ye winds, Like the trumpet blows; But without that noise. "-Jack

maggiegrace1 · May 8, 2006

this could go on forever you know...

"Sometimes when I feel like killing someone, I do a little trick to calm myself down. I'll go over to the person's house and ring the doorbell. When the person comes to the door, I'm gone, but you know what I've left on the porch? A jack-o-lantern with a knife stuck in the side of its head with a note that says "You." After that I usually feel a lot better, and no harm done.' Jack Handey

CaptainMichael · May 8, 2006

"Consider the daffodil. And while you're doing that, I'll be over here, looking through your stuff."-My Home-Dawg Jack F. Handey!

maggiegrace1 · May 8, 2006

"If I ever opened a trampoline store, I don't think I'd call it Trampo-Land, because you might think it was a store for tramps, which is not the inpression we are trying to convey with our store. On the other hand, we would not prohibit tramps from browsing, or testing the trampolines, unless a tramp's gyrations seemed to be getting out of control." Jack
Too Funny

CaptainMichael · May 8, 2006

"Dad always thought laughter was the best medicine, which I guess is why several of us died of tuberculosis."- You Know Who...not Voldemort..*everyone winces*

SirNim · May 8, 2006

And now, a Disney-themed thought:

One thing kids like is to be tricked. For instance, I was going to take my little nephew to Disneyland, but instead I drove him to an old burned out warehouse. "Oh no," I said, "Disneyland burned down." He cried and cried, but I think that deep down he thought it was a pretty good joke. I started to drive over to the real Disneyland, but it was getting pretty late.

maggiegrace1 · May 8, 2006

When you die, if you go somewhere where they ask you a bunch of questions about your life and what you learned and all, I think a good way to get out of it is just to say, "No speaka English." JACK

maggiegrace1 · May 8, 2006

SirNim said:
And now, a Disney-themed thought:

One thing kids like is to be tricked. For instance, I was going to take my little nephew to Disneyland, but instead I drove him to an old burned out warehouse. "Oh no," I said, "Disneyland burned down." He cried and cried, but I think that deep down he thought it was a pretty good joke. I started to drive over to the real Disneyland, but it was getting pretty late.

yea!! That was a good one:sohappy:

CaptainMichael · May 8, 2006

"During the Middle Ages, probably one of the biggest mistakes was not putting on your armor because you were "just going down to the corner."-Jack Handey

maggiegrace1 · May 8, 2006

"To me, it's a good idea to always carry two sacks of something when

you walk around. That way, if anybody says, "Hey, can you give me a

hand?" You can say, "Sorry, got these sacks."My Main Man Jack

CaptainMichael · May 8, 2006

"Even though I was their captive, the Indians allowed me quite a bit of freedom. I could walk freely, make my own meals, and even hurl large rocks at their heads. It was only later that I discovered that they were not Indians at all but only dirty-clothes hampers."-Jack Handey

CaptainMichael · May 8, 2006

maggiegrace1 said:
"To me, it's a good idea to always carry two sacks of something when

you walk around. That way, if anybody says, "Hey, can you give me a

hand?" You can say, "Sorry, got these sacks."My Main Man Jack

That is excellent advice!

maggiegrace1 · May 8, 2006

"Many people think that history is a dull subject. Dull? Is it 'dull' that Jesse James once got bitten on the forehead by an ant, and at first it didn't seem like anything, but then the bite got worse and worse, so he went to a doctor in town, and the secretary told him to wait, so he sat down and waited, and waited, and waited, and waited, and then finally he got to see the doctor, and the doctor put some salve on it? You call that dull?" JAck Handey

maggiegrace1 · May 8, 2006

STR8FAN2005 said:
That is excellent advice!

I KNOW:lol:

Deep Thoughts

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