THE ENCHANTED TIKI ROOM: ALOHA E KOMO MAI, LILO & STITCH!
A fan script by J.E.Smith
**PLEASE KEEP IN MIND THAT THE FOLLOWING WAS WRITTEN BEFORE THE RETURN OF THE ORIGINAL TIKI ROOM SHOW TO WDW.***
AUTHOR'S NOTE: This is a revised version of something that I originally wrote back in 2008 after not being satisfied with the Stitch version of the Enchanted Tiki Room that had opened in Tokyo Disneyland. I thought that the idea of Stitch being in the Tiki Room had some potential, due to the Hawaiian aspects of the Lilo & Stitch series. Plus, had the show ever had come to Walt Disney World, it would have replaced the dreadful Under New Management version (50s doo-wop music and rap in the Tiki Room? No thanks!) and, if done right, would have brought back the Polynesian nature of the show.
However, there were several issues I had with the show, such as the show's original hosts (Jose, Michael, Pierre, and Fritz) being replaced with new ones, the lack of the classic "Tiki, Tiki, Tiki, Room" theme song, the show's short length, and its abrupt ending (The birds letting Stitch be in the show just to shut him up and so he won't interrupt them anymore, and then two seconds later they've switched gears and are like "Oh Stitch, we'd love to be in your ohana!"). So I wrote up a fanfic addressing all of these issues, such as bringing in Lilo and changing the story somewhat.
Enjoy folks!
(Attraction sign: Same as UNM's, but with some changes. The Zazu and Iago figures perched on the sign are replaced with figures of Jose and the new female bird Lani. The "Under New Management" board is replaced with a sign that reads: "Aloha E Komo Mai". In blue paint, someone as added ",Lilo & Stitch!" to the sign. There is a small can of the paint on the right of the sign below Lani. The top part of the sign has a wooden Stitch head peeking from behind.)
(Pre-show. There is a new, wooden gazebo to the far left of the waterfall wall where William and Morris used to reside. There are new TV monitors in the Tiki Room queue that shows animated versions of the Tiki God stories from the Disneyland version's queue for guests to watch as they wait. After the video is finished, the wall behind the waterfall opens, revealing Michael sitting on the Tiki perch)
Michael: Aloha! Good day to you people! My name is Michael, and welcome to the Enchanted Tiki Room! In just a few minutes you’ll be entering a world of joyous songs and island splendor performed by my avian brethren!
Now I bet you’re all wonderin’, why am I out here instead of in there? Well, today we have a guest who just flew in from Hawaii to perform with us; a pink passionate parrot named Lani. She's been aching to sing in the Tiki Room since she was just a wee lass, so I decided to give her my perch for a while so she could join the show, and…
(The bushes to the left of Michael rustle, next to the gazebo)
Michael: Oh, what was that? Sounds like someone's roaming around back there!
(We hear the sound of the person tripping over and a thud is heard inside of the gazebo next to the bushes. A little girl’s voice grunts as she hits the ground.)
Michael: Oh! Whoever's back there, are you okay?
(An AA Lilo is seen rising up into the gazebo. She is dressed in her hula outfit)
Lilo: Oh…uh…uh-oh….
Michael: Oh my, if it isn't a little hula girl! Excuse me little girl, but I believe you're not supposed to be back there!
Lilo: Whoa, you're one of the Tiki Birds aren't you? So you really can talk!
Michael: You'll find that in the Tiki Room anything's possible! Now, how did you get back there?
Lilo: Oh I'm sorry! My dog got lost and I was chasing after him! Guess I took a wrong turn somehow...
Micheal: What's your name?
Lilo: Lilo.
Michael: Well Lilo, you know you're not supposed to have dogs in the park. Unless it's a seein' eye dog to help blind people that is.
Lilo: Oh, well he's my...blind Uncle Jumba's seeing eye dog! Yeah, that's it! He got away from him, and I've searched all over and haven't been able to find him yet. I think there’s a chance he may have gone into the Tiki Room! I need to go in and see if he’s in there!
(Cast Member walks into the preshow area)
Micheal: I’m sorry Lilo, but we haven’t seen any dogs around the Tiki Room today, inside or out! Now, I think that person over there is going to take you to Lost and Found so they can get you back to your family!
(Gong is heard)
Michael: Oh dear, there's the gong! It’s almost show time!
Cast Member: That's right, Michael! Ladies and gentlemen, that gong you just heard means that they are calling you inside! In a moment, the AutoMagic Doors behind me will open, allowing you to enter the Tiki Room! Just remember, once inside please refrain from eating, drinking, smoking, and the use of flash photography and external video camera lighting! And Lilo, I’m sure everyone will keep an eye out for your dog!
(The first Cast Member walks to the far right of the platform and motions to Lilo to come over there)
Michael: I'm afraid you need to go with that person over there now, Lilo. But cheer up, I’m sure someone will come across your dog soon enough!
Lilo: Okay sir.
Micheal: And to the rest of you, I hope you all enjoy yourselves, and be sure to give Jose my regards! So long!
(Waterfall gate closes)
Lilo: (To herself) I know you went in there, Stitch…please don’t do anything that’ll get you in trouble. I’ll have to try running off again and sneak into the Tiki Room myself just to make sure you don't though. Just wait Stitch; I’ll try to be there as soon as I can…
(Lilo “walks” out off of the gazebo and into the bushes to the right and the guests are admitted into the Tiki Room)
(Inside, there are several differences in the Tiki Room; the fountain in the center now has a new, wider ring around it, making it have the appearance of a floral stage. Micheal of course, has been replaced with the new pink female Hawaiian parrot Lani. She pretty much looks like the female bird from Tokyo's Stitch Tiki Room. The positions of the birds have changed; Lani is where Fritz currently is, Pierre is where Micheal was, and Fritz is where Pierre currently is. Only Jose is in his usual spot. The Tiki Drummers on the left and right walls have been replaced by new Uh-oha masks, with their eyes closed.
The show begins as the Cast Member wakes Jose up by tapping his perch or has the audience shout to him. )
Jose:
(Yawns) Muchos gracias! My siestas keep getting shorter and shorter… (To audience) Buenos Dias everybody, and welcome to the Enchanted Tiki Room! Hey Fritz mi amigo, pay attention it’s show time!
Fritz:
Ach du liebe, you’re right! Pierre, my bird bekannte, let’s put on the show!
Pierre:
Mon ami, I am always ready, as you say, to put on ze show! And I hope ze lovely Lani, is as well!
Lani:
Aue, Pierre! You know I’ve been waiting all day for this! Oh dear, would you look at that? The audience is just staring at us! Let's get things rolling, boys!
Pierre:
Mon Cherie, I know how anxious you are seeing that this is your first day, but we mustn’t rush things!
Fritz: Ya Wohl! We must first wake up the Glee Club!
Lani: Oh, right!
(The four birds make a shrill whistle as all the birds in the Tiki Room started chirping wildly)
Jose:
Ole! Ole! It’s show time!
All: In the Tiki, Tiki, Tiki, Tiki, Tiki Room
In the Tiki, Tiki, Tiki, Tiki, Tiki Room
Jose: All the birds sing words
Pierre: And the flowers croon
All: In the Tiki, Tiki, Tiki, Tiki, Tiki Room
Jose: Welcome to our tropical hideaway
You lucky people you
If weren’t in the show starting right away
We’d be in the audience, too
All: All together!
In the Tiki, Tiki, Tiki, Tiki, Tiki Room
In the Tiki, Tiki, Tiki, Tiki, Tiki Room
Jose: All the birds sing words
Pierre: And the flowers croon
All: In the Tiki, Tiki, Tiki, Tiki, Tiki Room
Jose: The bird of paradise is an elegant bird
It likes to be seen and it loves to be heard
Most little birdies will fly away
But the Tiki Room birds are here everyday
All: In the Tiki, Tiki, Tiki, Tiki, Tiki Room
In the Tiki, Tiki, Tiki, Tiki, Tiki Room
Jose: All the birds sing words
Pierre: And the flowers croon
All: In the Tiki, Tiki, Tiki, Tiki, Tiki Room
Pierre: Our show is delightful, we hope you agree
We hope that it fills you with pleasure and glee
Fritz: Because if we don't make you feel like that
We're gonna wind up on a ladies' hat!
Lani (In background): Wait, what?
All: In the Tiki, Tiki, Tiki, Tiki, Tiki Room
In the Tiki, Tiki, Tiki, Tiki, Tiki Room
Jose: All the birds sing words
Lani: And the flowers croon
All: In the Tiki, Tiki, Tiki, Tiki, Tiki Room
Jose: Our magnificent production is yet to come
So strum the guitar and beat the drum
We’ve been a hit and we know you adore us
So come and join us for another chorus!
All: In the Tiki, Tiki, Tiki, Tiki, Tiki, Room
In the Tiki, Tiki, Tiki, Tiki, Tiki, Room
Lani: A little softer…
All: All in the birds sing words
And the flowers croon
In the Tiki, Tiki, Tiki, Tiki, Tiki, Room
Lani: A little louder!
All: In the Tiki, Tiki, Tiki, Tiki, Room
In the Tiki, Tiki, Tiki, Tiki, Room
All the birds sing words and the flowers croon
In the Tiki, Tiki, Tiki, Tiki, Room!
Jose: Ah Ha! Applause! Applause! Si, that was crazy.
(Gentle music starts)
Fritz: Ja, Ja. Ja, Ja.
Pierre: Écoutez! Écoutez! Listen! Listen!
Lani: Nani! Such lovely music!
Fritz: Ja, it is Offenbach!
Pierre: Pardon Monsieur, but you stay offa my back and I'll stay offa your back!
Jose: Mi amigos, stop the cluck-ing. Now, we present to you an opera piece sung in our native tongues! The bird whistling, that is.
(The Offenbach number begins in the middle, where the birds start squawking wildly. During the number, Stitch’s head pops out from the pillar in the ceiling where the disco ball from UNM used to be. The pillar is wider to allow room for the AA's head. The four host birds are facing away from him so they don’t notice him)
Stitch: Ooooh!! Huh?
(Stitch listens to the music for a moment and shakes his head in disapproval)
Stitch: Bleh!
(Stitch goes back up the hole. The birds glance over to where he was to check out the noise, but he is gone. They continue to whistle Offenbach, but suddenly the lights go out and the music abruptly stops. The startled birds squawk in surprise. We hear Stitch faintly laugh in the background)
Pierre: Scare bleu!
Lani: Aue!
Fritz: Ach du liebe! Blackout!
Jose: Calm down everybody, calm down! Hey, somebody get the lights back on!
(As the birds speak, we hear various sounds in the darkness. We hear Stitch chuckle, then the sound of him running around the Tiki Room, then the splattering of paint with Stitch humming to himself then the sounds of him running back up to his hiding place. He gets there right as the lights turn back on and so nobody sees him)
Jose: Ah Gracias! We’re so sorry for that senors and senoritas. It looks like we just blew a fuse!
Fritz: Ach! Look at the windows!
(Each of the Tiki Room's four windows now has writing on them in blue paint. Two of the windows say "NO OPERA!" and the other two say "ALOHA E KOMO MAI!" The writing is rather sloppy.)
Pierre: Mon dieu! Ze Tiki Room! She has been defaced!
Lani: Who would do such a thing?
Fritz: Just look at what it says! No opera…looks like we have a critic down there!
Pierre: Oui! There’s no appreciation for classical music these days!
Lani: Well over here it says "Aloha e komo mai", which is Hawaiian for "Hello, welcome!"
Pierre: “No opera. Hello, welcome?” That doesn’t make any sense!
(The faint rumble of thunder is heard and lightning flashes in the windows)
Fritz: Ach!
Lani: What was that?
Jose: It is the Tiki Gods. They don’t take kindly to people vandalizing the Tiki Room!
Fritz: Ja, they are getting riled up!
Jose: Si, and if they continue to get angry they’ll go completely loco! Burning mad!
Pierre: And if zat happens it’ll be too dangerous for people to come in here!
(Thunder continues to rumble)
Fritz: Ooh, und from the sound of all that thunder it looks that they're already mad enough as it is! I don't think we'll be able to continue the show until we get them calmed down!
Lani: Well, don't ruffle your feathers Fritz. I've got an idea on how to solve this!
Fritz: Und what's that?
Lani: Well, “Aloha E Komo Mai” is also the name of a soothing song about hope and family. If I sing it, maybe it’ll get the Tiki Gods calmed down! But I’m going to need a little help.
Jose: Well, it’s worth a try! Come on down, girls!
(The Birdmobile descends from the ceiling)
Lady Birds: I lai la
Ua i la
No mala hini ohana
Welcome cousins, come on by
Aloha e komo mai
Jose: Take it, Lani!
Lani: Oh when you're down, you're feeling low
Got nobody by your side
It can be lonely and you want to only
Find a place, no need to hide
(With Lady Birds): Just lay back you'll fit right in
You can make it all come true
Lani (Solo): 'Cause there's always hope inside
And hope will see you through
Lady Birds :Aloha...
Lani: You'll find the place that you belong
Lady Birds: Ohana...
A family to call your own
All: Where you feel at home
(The Tiki Drummers play a short solo)
Jose: Everybody!
All: I lai la
Ua i la
No mala hini ohana
Welcome cousins, come on by
Aloha e komo mai
Aloha e komo mai
(The Tiki Gods give an approved sigh and it starts to rain outside the windows and the Birdmobile ascends into the ceiling)
Pierre: Viola! It worked!
Fritz: Ja, ja! That rain is the sign that the Tiki Gods are calming down!
Jose: Gracias, Lani, Gracias!
Lani: He mea iki, Jose.
Pierre: Well, let's continue now without further interruptions…I hope. And now ladies and gentleman, we present direct from the islands, a musical luau!
(The orchid beds descend from the ceiling and the birds of paradise in the corners of the room come to life)
Orchids: Tahuwai la a tahuwai wai la.
(Birds of Paradise join in): Tahuwai la a tahuwai wai la.
Ehu hene la a pili koo lua la.
Pututui lu a ite toe la.
Hanu lipo ita paalai.
Orchids: Au we
(Stitch’s arm pops out of the flower bed between Fritz and Lani, holding a bike horn, which he honks)
Lani: (Groans)
Orchids: Ta huala.
(Stitch’s arm pops out of the flower bed between Lani and Jose, sounding a twisted up old car horn that makes an “oowga!” sound)
Pierre: Mon dieu!
Orchids: Au we
(Stitch’s arm pops out the flower bed between Jose and Pierre, sounding an air horn)
Fritz: Ach du libe!
Jose: Who? What? Where? How? When? (Squawks) Oh carumba!
Lani: Oh!!!
Orchids: Ta huala
(Stitch’s arm pops out of the flower bed between Pierre and Fritz sounding a duck call that’s shaped like Donald’s head. The orchids continue singing in the background during the below dialogue)
Fritz: What's going on here!?
Pierre: It seems we have a saboteur sneaking around!
Lani: Do you think he’s the one who painted the windows?
Jose: Seems likely, mi amigos.
Pierre: Well, we need to put a stop to him! Ze Tiki Gods will get angry again for sure at zis rate!
Fritz: Ja, und we can’t keep stopping the show so the girls can calm them down over and over. I say we surprise the little pest with some noise of our own!
Pierre: Oui! Let’s give that saboteur a taste of his own medicine!
Lani: Here comes the chorus. Get ready!
Orchids: Au we...
(Stitch’s arm pops out of the flowerbed behind Fritz)
Fritz: Stop!
Orchids: Ta huala...
(Stitch’s arm pops of the flowerbed behind Pierre)
Pierre: Alt!
(Stitch’s arm pops of the flowerbed behind Jose)
Orchids: Au we...
Jose: (Wally Boag squawk)
Orchids: Ta huala….
(The flowerbeds ascend back into the ceiling)
Pierre: Ha, ha, now *that* should have scared that little pest away!
(Off-stage, Stitch sounds a loud foghorn that blares through the entire Tiki Room. The birds squawk in a big commotion.)
Jose: Or perhaps not…
Pierre: Sapristi! My feathers almost fell off!
Lani: You okay, Fritz?
Fritz: Nein! I thought I was gonna lay an egg back there!
(Sound of thunder rolling outside)
Lani: Aue! The Tiki Gods are getting angry again!
Jose: (Sigh) We’re so sorry senors and senoritas, but it looks like we have no choice but to stop and calm them down again…
Fritz: Ach! Jose! The Tiki Gods are going to perform next!
Jose: Ay carumba, you’re right! Lani quick, you better start singing before…
(The Tiki Drummers begin playing a short solo)
Jose: Oh no! We’re too late!
Lani: What’s the problem?
Pierre: Once the Tiki Gods start playing, we cannot interrupt! They can't stand it if they are disrupted while they perform their chant!
Lani: So if our little friend decides to cut in…
Pierre: We are gone gooses.
Lani: Why do I have a bad feeling about this?
Tiki Gods: Tahuwai la a tahuwai wai la
Ehu hene la a pili koo lua la
Pututui lu a ite toe la
Hanu lipo ita paalai
Oh ah hahey ah ah
(Without warning, Stitch's butt pops out from the hole where Iago comes from in UNM. It has a Tiki God face painted on it, and Stitch shakes it in time with the music)
(With Stitch):Oh ha hahey ah hah
Jose: Wha…!?
Pierre: Behind you, Jose!
Tiki Gods: Oh ah hahey ah hah
(With Stitch): Oh ah hahey ah hah
(Stitch goes back up the hole before Jose can swing around to see him. Thunder is heard and lightning flashes from the windows)
Lani: (Gasps)
Pierre: It’s ze saboteur!
Jose: That does it! Next time he pops out I'm gonna give him a good pecking!
Pierre: Get him, Jose!
(All four birds turn to face the hole)
Tiki Gods: Oh ah hahey ah hah
(Stitch's butt pops out of the hole where Zazu is stored in, behind the birds)
(With Stitch): Oh ah hahey ah hah
(Stitch quickly goes up back up out of sight just as the birds swing around in his direction. A very loud boom of thunder is heard and lightning flashes from the windows. The Tiki Room goes into the Hot Hot Hot lighting from UNE)
Jose, Pierre, and Fritz: OH, NO!
Lani: Why is it getting hot all of a sudden?
Fritz: Our stranger's rumpus shaking was the last straw for the Tiki Gods!
Jose: Si! They’ve gone burning loco!
Pierre: Oui! Oui! We are doomed!
(Singing): Doom is in the air
Fritz: It’s goodbye, my friend Pierre
All: It’s so hot, hot, hot
Pierre: Adieu mon ami, for the end is plain to see!
All: 'Cause it's hot hot hot!
(Thunder rolls and the Tiki Room goes dark save for dim lighting on the host birds. The Tiki Gods begin to chant as Stitch rises up out of the fountain in the center of the room. He is wearing a Hawaiian shirt and playing a ukulele. He is obscured by the dim lighting.)
Tiki Gods: Hele mai Maika`i`ole Ahi!
Hele mai Maika`i`ole Ahi!
Hele mai Maika`i`ole Ahi!
Hele mai Maika`i`ole Ahi!
Lani: Aue! Aue! They’re chanting “Come, bad fire!” Jose, we need to tell the audience to get out of here, now!
Stitch )in a deep booming voice): NOBODY GOING ANYWHERE!!!!! NO FIRE!!!!
(The Tiki Gods stop their chant.)
Fritz: Look! In the center of the room!
(Thunder rolls as Stitch begins to play)
Stitch (Deep voice): AUDIENCE
STAY IN CHAIR!
TIKI BIRDS
DON'T GO NO WHERE!
‘CAUSE NOW IT’S TIME
THAT I SING TOO!
YOU’LL ALL ENJOY
TIKI-TIKI-DOO!
‘CAUSE I THE TIKI GOD
THE BIG KAHUNA!
Jose, Pierre, Fritz and Lani: The Big Kahuna?
Lani: That’s not a true Tiki God! You’re an imposter!
Pierre: You’re the saboteur aren’t you? Reveal yourself!
Stitch: SINCE YOU ASKED…
(The lights return to normal and Stitch drops the deep voice)
Stitch: I really Stitch!
Jose, Pierre, Fritz, and Lani: Stitch!?
Jose: Who are you, and why did you do all of this?
Stitch: Stitch from Hawaii, here on vacation! Heard about singing Hawaiian birds in Tiki Room, wanted to hear them sing about ohana! But when show started Stitch didn’t want to hear boring opera, so I painted message to get birds to sing about ohana right away, and…
(A flash of lightning comes from the windows)
Stitch: Eh?
Tiki Gods: Uh-oha! Uh-oha! Uh-oha oha oha!
Jose: Oh no! Not this again!
Tiki Gods: Uh-oha! Uh-oha! Uh-oha oha oha! Uh-oha!
(The two Uh-oha masks on the left and right walls open their eyes and come to life. They stare down at Stitch)
Lani: (Gasps) Who is...?
Jose, Pierre, and Fritz: UH-OHA, THE TIKI GODDESS OF DISASTER!
Uh-oha: So, you are the one responsible for violating its walls and mocking the Tiki Gods! I will not allow such acts!
Stitch: Wait! Stitch not mean to cause harm. Stitch *like* Tiki Birds, just wanted to play with them and be part of Tiki Room! Didn’t know that actual Tiki Gods would get mad!
Uh-oha: Well my little blue friend, perhaps you need to learn not to tamper with things you know nothing about! When you mess with Polynesia, the Tiki Gods will squeeze ya!
Stitch: Stitch don't think so! Outta here!
(Lights flash around Stitch and he gets frozen in place)
Stitch: Wha? Can’t move!
Uh-oha: You can’t run away now, you’re stuck. I’ve cursed you for pushing your luck! So blue boy, you said you wanted to be a part of the Tiki Room? The punishment should fit the crime. So I’m going to turn you into a wooden Tiki statue. Then you’ll literally be a part of the Tiki Room…for the next hundred years! (Laughs)
( Suddenly a commotion is heard from underneath the Tiki Room)
Cast Member (o.s.): Hey little girl! You’re not supposed to be down here! Come back here! Hey!
Lilo (o.s.): Sorry, but my friend’s in trouble! I need to help him! (Sounds of Lilo knocking over things and her panting are heard. She then appears in the outer ring of the floral stage, next to Stitch )
Lilo: (Pant, pant) Hold on! Stop!
Stitch: Lilo? How’d you get here?
Lilo: (Panting) I followed your footprints…you do not know how hard it was to sneak backstage to find you!
Uh-oha: What is the meaning of this?
Lilo: I came here because I knew Stitch might get into trouble, and he'd need my help! I know what he did was wrong, but just because he crashed the show doesn’t mean you can turn him into a statue! Please, don’t do it!
Uh-oha: No! I cannot ignore his misdeeds! But perhaps I’ll lower his sentence. Fifty years then!
Lilo: No! I don’t want to be separated from Stitch for any amount of time! If you’re going to curse him, then you’ll just have to curse me too!
Stitch: Lilo…no!
Uh-oha: You would allow yourself to be punished? You care for this blue creature that much?
Lilo: Yeah, ‘cause Stitch is part of my ohana!
Uh-oha: This thing…is in your ohana?
Fritz: What’s this ohana stuff mean anyway?
Lani: It means family.
Lilo: That’s right, and family means nobody gets left behind, or forgotten! So I’d never leave Stitch behind, even it means being turned into a statue for fifty years!
Uh-oha: Hmm…give me a moment to think about this!
(The Uh-oha masks close their eyes)
Stitch: Lilo...no! Leave now!
Lilo: Not without you. Don't worry Stitch, we'll get out of this. You'll see...
Lani (whispering): Guys, that little girl seems to really care for Stitch! We gotta do something about this!
Pierre (whispering): Oui, oui. This Stitch may have turned our show upside down, but we can’t just let that girl sacrifice herself because of it!
Lani (whispering): Uh-oha’s probably so angry she doesn’t realize how harsh she’s being. We need to calm her down with my song!
Fritz (whispering): Ja, but how do we stop her long enough to sing it?
Jose (whispering): Well, that's very simple mi amigos! All we need to do is...
(There is hushed muttering among the four host birds for a brief moment, then the Uh-oha masks open their eyes)
Uh-oha: I have made my decision! You shall join your friend as a Tiki statue!
